Well, I always have this tendency to slip on some of my personal experiences into my stories, poems and every article I write. But today, we have all decided to write a direct self-portrait. So, not only will I be writing my personal things and I would also be accepting that it is indeed personal! Well, I’m cool with the former, but the latter is what makes this topic interesting! I would talk about how I told too many lies and how I am quite opposite of that now: honest!
I will begin with sharing how I feel about my lies and manipulation. Being a liar and manipulator was not a big deal for me. Since I started remembering things, I have always been a fiction writer. I grew up reading stories, watching movies and something made me write stories and imagine fiction through real life. And I pretty much used this skill vocally to manipulate people and get what I want.
Well, I know that it sounds creepy, but I never did harm with my pathological lying. There were times when I lied everything about me to strangers and I would find it amusing the way I construct these lies with partial truths. I love telling lies, I think it is an art that only few can truly master. I have reached a level that I could almost lie anything to get what I want. And that’s when I realised that it will continue to be toxic!
I was too quick on my senses and put a barricade to my habit of manipulating people into things for myself. Not because of some care towards the society or something like that, but because I just lost the kick in it. It made my life easier, like using cheat codes. It also did complicate my life a bit, because I had told different lies to different people and I frequently forgot which part I lied. At one point, when I saw the void. I realised that nothing is of any value. And I just preferred crude honesty.
I didn’t see the point in lying anymore. Because honesty is a virtue that only few possess. It is not like everybody is a lying piece of shit, but the euphemisms and diplomacy kill most of the truth in a sentence. I found a kick in the ability of being pathologically honest. I found it interesting when people get surprised just for being open about everything.
By 16, I have turned into this thing who is honest to a level that I sometimes freaked and grossed out people. But I kept loving it. Sometimes my inner demon still asks me to lie, but I choose not to, because there is no fun in it. I know the consequences of lying and manipulating, they alienate yourself from you. One fine day there will be no true self in you and you will face the void like I did. And trust me, the feeling of ‘having nothing of my own’ troubles one to an extent that they would find no kick in living.
If I lose, I lose. If I win, I win, and If I am a cunt, cunt I am! Nothing’s gonna change what I am, regardless of me hiding it and lying about it. So, there is nothing that can stop one from being themselves. It is the proudest and most fundamental thing a conscious being can have- the feeling of being oneself! So, years since I have left lying for no reason. And to be honest, I just love doing things that make me feel the ‘hit’, the kick! I have been telling this frequently, so I would end this note by stating one of my favorite slogans. “Find yourselves, respect yourselves and find your own kick!” Because no-one else will do anything for you, it is your mistake to expect someone to.
Penfluky 