diary – Penfluky

A Bittersweet Heart

Alarm rang at 12:00 AM I woke up and saw myself in the mirror curiously. For my disappointment, I don’t see any difference at all. I look the same as ever. Why does everyone make a big deal when they turn 18 then? I don’t get the hype. Tears started flowing like there was some leakage in my eyes. I cursed myself and tried to stop them but only vain.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun right? Then why do I feel terrible? I don’t know what it is…. but I do know something sucks! I took out my diary and started writing with a heavy heart. And I have to let this unknown misery off my chest. As I started to remember my shitty life, the letters in my diary felt as if I was giving my nightmares shape and I went on and on…..

To my past self,

It’s your 18th birthday today. Because of you, I feel like everything sucks so I want to confront you now.

What sucks is to be not aware of your own trauma. When you come to realize what is actually happening to you it becomes too late whether it’s you being a kid and wondering “idk why I cry when that uncle comes near me” or your 15 year old wondering “maybe I am just in a sad phase it will go away.”

What sucks is trying to see the bright side in every situation whether it is “I don’t have lunch to eat but at least I get to drink cold water in school” or “what if I don’t have normal life like my age people, at least I can watch whatever movie or read whatever book I want and think myself as the protagonist and can live different cool lives.”

What sucks is being in denial whether it’s “I don’t think I am angry at anyone. I think I am hurt. I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby” or “I don’t think I am depressed I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby”

What sucks is being too self-aware. What sucks is taking yourself for granted, what sucks is putting others first in the fear of loneliness while still being lonely.

And what also sucks is in all of this different shit is the common outcome; your suffering.

You thought you are mature, kind and good but you are an immature monster who wasn’t kind to yourself, you didn’t stand up for yourself whenever you needed.

You couldn’t understand the difference between:

Kindness and coward-ness

Denial and positive attitude

Bearing and ignorance

You failed to see the thin line between them.

What sucks is you blaming shit on life and beautifully lying “life sucks” in the desperate need of self-pity and covering the truth in fact you, who suck at life. What sucks is you for being physically and mentally abusive to yourself.

When did you genuinely have yourself a kind smile? When did you tell yourself after sucking at something so many times “it’s OK there is always next time” when you needed to hear it so bad? And when didn’t you hit yourself or scar yourself every time you got anxious to make it stop in fact low-key you knew all you needed is one hug and a bit of kindness? How could you hate yourself this much?

Now look at you, at your breaking point. Weak af physically, mentally, emotionally.

No clue what to do with this body. self-punish every day and night with all kinds of health issues. Well deserved.

But I can’t deny the fact that you are me. So as a birthday gift, I am forgiving myself. I will try to be kind to myself, I will try to learn saying no, I will try to stand up for myself, I will try not to hesitate asking for help, I will try not to push people away, I will try to go easy on myself, I will smile at myself, I will try to adore myself, I won’t be abusive to myself and most importantly from this moment I will try to be proud of myself whenever I take a baby step.

With love and smile~ your 18 years old self.

With that I made peace and closed my diary. Now I looked at myself in the mirror again. Fuck I still look as shitty as ever but I don’t feel shitty anymore. Guess that’s the difference I was looking for. I better dress up tomorrow and treat myself to a meal. It’s my 18th birthday after all. With a light heart and stupid smile I fell asleep.

Existential Dread, Annihilation Of The Self.

“Existential dread is a state in which in individual questions existence, meaning, purpose and almost everything about life in a cynical way.” This is a random post I read scrolling through Facebook.

I was confused on why would this happen. Why would people get crisis on existing? Soon the confusion turned into curiosity and I want to know about this. I googled it but the results are a bit confusing.

So I messaged my friend, of course, you guessed it, John. So here is how the conversation goes.

Me: Hey John! My man! How are you?

John: Hey, I’m good, how about you?

Me: I’m good, so I saw this term called “existential dread”. What does it mean?

If you remember, John has a habit of texting back late when asked something important. After a couple of hours, I got a text back from him.

John: Why do you want to know that?

Me: I just read it on Facebook and want to know more about the same.

John: Okay, before we dig deep, you need to know a term called “existentialism” and “existential crisis.”

Existentialism:

In simple words, it is is a philosophy that stresses the importance of human experience, and says that everyone is responsible for the results of their actions.

Existential Crisis:

In simple words, an existential crisis leads to a time of deep questioning within oneself. This normally associates with how someone sees themselves and their meaning within the world.

John: Existential dread and existential crises are technically the same. If we push, we can say that the dread is the next stage of the crisis.

Me: I get that, but why does anyone question their existence and feel bad about it?

John: If we talk scientifically, it may trigger when there is a trauma, death of loved ones, major loss, substance abuse etc., But on a philosophical level it is on a different note.

Me: Okay, can you elaborate on that?

John: Sure, from the philosophical standpoint, the burden of existence is the cause of the crisis.

Me: What? It doesn’t make sense. I mean how is existence a burden? We all exist and that is a fact. I don’t get it.

John: It is very simple, the existence of an individual is not a choice. All life and existence are random. So you really don’t have a choice of existing.

Me: I get that, but life is what it is. Adding to what you said, you cannot really choose to exist or not. So why feel sad about it?

John: That is exactly the issue. Life is what it is which is an unavoidable thing.,. Some people choose not to exist yet they do. As there is a famous saying “Life is not a bed of roses.”

Me: Okay, I get the premise of the existential dread. How bad can it be? You might feel bad for some time and move on right?

John: It is one of the worst things to hit you. It is almost a mental suicide. If a person is hit by it, they lose interest in almost anything and just become a deactivated robot.

Me: I don’t believe it. How extreme will it be?

John: Any individual suffering from the dread will be in a very bizarre position. As I said, they have zero interest in doing almost everything, the consequences are overthinking, less expressive, not able to focus etc.,

According to some studies, these can lead to some mental illnesses like depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety etc., It not only affects you mentally but also physically as you are not able to focus.

Me: Oh man! That is very bad than it sounds. What would a day look like for the person who is hit by existential dread?

John: I can talk from a personal point of view. For instance, If I have a knife in my hand, I want to just want to cut my hand and see how the blood would ooze out. Even by thinking about this, I wouldn’t flinch.

If I’m on the roof of a building, I would imagine if I would jump, how would my head burst when it’s hit the ground, how would the blood splatter all over and things like this.

These are not suicidal tendencies but complications of overthinking on the burden of existence. I would just sit in a dark room staring and thinking or would be in the shower for hours doing nothing.

It is like a man who is emotionally dead, with an expressionless face just walking around. Everything around me eventually stops making sense doesn’t make any sense no matter what. It feels very weird.

Me: Man this sound awful! Is there no other way to divert from this existential dread?

John: There is one amazing quote I read somewhere it says “The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn’t a search for meaning. It’s to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead.”

If we just keep ourselves busy with any unimportant shit, we can eventually come out or avoid the existential dread.

Honest Love Recital Of My Heart!

In a world full of fake people using others, I prefer people who are truthful and show honest love. It was a tiresome Friday and I finished my work.

The weekend is kicking in, not that I have some excitement, but I need not work these two days. You guessed it exactly right! I have very few people that I talk to.

Every day I work, it feels like Sisyphus rolling the stone to the top of the mountain. It just feels like I’m turning into a programmable robot without me liking it.

As Albert Camus in his book “The Myth of Sisyphus” said, “One must imagine Sisphus happy”. I stopped even imagining to imagine to be happy. It may sound weird but It is what it is.

If you feel like you are in a room, where walls are slowly closing in to crush you, you don’t have a lot of choices, do you? I’m glad that I don’t have any work to do for the next two days.

I sat on my couch and started browsing through my phone. and opened a dating app and started swiping and messaging people. I know my efficacy that none will reply.

But it is just an arrow in the darkroom. I got no replies for an hour and I got bored and was about to quit it, then something unique happened. Someone messaged me!

I couldn’t believe that someone replied to me and took my time and opened the message with utmost curiosity. The name is “Sruthi” and the message was a reply to my earlier text.

So the conversation goes like this.

Me: Hie!

Sruthi: Hi

Me: How is your life and how is everything?

Sruthi: Like everybody else’s. Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death.

That is the most honest answer I have ever heard! I got very intrigued and continued the conversation. We talked our hearts out and is one of the awesome talks I’ve ever had.

It felt very special like I was dreaming in heaven. Since childhood, I had a fantasy of finding honest love. Liking a person by their personality without any other factors.

I thought this might be a step towards that and went to sleep with a smile on this grumpy face. and was searching for honest love pretty much in all my relations. I got very few in life and I’m excited for this one.

The next day I woke up and the first thing I did is text her. I wanted to talk to her and I’m very excited. We talked for an hour and that is one of the best mornings I ever had.

The weekend came to an end and we talked about a lot of stuff. It is one of the best weekends I ever had. We decided to talk next week as we need to do slavery to capitalism for the next 5 days.

I’m back to the fake reality and boy this sucks. I went to the office the next day. I’m told that there is a debate in the office. We have debates in the office as a fun activity.

It is one of the activity and I like and I decided to join. We started it and was going very good. There is a girl making points in the debate. She is on fire and is eviscerating the opponents.

I liked it and it was a good hour in the office. I’ve finished my day’s work and headed home. As each minute approaches the weekend, I’m getting a tingly feeling throughout the body.

Maybe this is called “excitement” a feeling I never had for a long time. Finally, the weekend has arrived and inner is me is dancing with excitement.

I messaged her and started chatting. Back to the best times again, and I’m feeling relieved each and every moment I chat with her. I don’t know much about her, but I adore her personality.

She gave me her other Instagram handle and we started chatting on that. We decided to play truth or dare for some time and here is how it went after some questions.

Me: What if someone proposes to you now?

Sruthi: I don’t know, right now I’m numb and I honestly couldn’t tell anything.

Me: You know why I’m asking this?

Sruthi: I’m getting the hints, but not sure. Do you like me?

Me: Of course I like you, everyone likes you.

Sruthi: Haha, that is good.

****** After sometime ******

Me: Okay, I don’t want to beat around the bush. I wanted to express the feeling of my honest love to you. Now I know what you feel. I might feel sad, but I will definitely move on.

Sruthi: Okay, I get it. Thanks for being honest.

That is the best reply anyone can give honestly. Now I think about it, it is a good response. Honestly, I don’t even know how to react if some random person would propose to me online.

A couple of months passed by and we are chatting regularly. The more I know about her the more awesome is the personality she had. The best part about her is the honesty.

On a Friday morning, I went to the office and it is the debate day again. Last time one girl was spitting fire and was making awesome points. I’m looking forward to this one.

The debate started and the girl nailed it again. The way she made her points is impeccable. She encountered all the points and presented them very well.

After the debate, I went to her and talked to her. Here is how the conversation went.

Me: Hey, you nailed that debate. The points you made were awesome!

She: Thanks man, I liked your points too.

Me: Thanks, what is your name by the way?

She: My name is Rashmika, what is yours?

Me: My name is Munna.

Rashmika: Nice to meet you Munna. I will see you later.

Me: Ya sure bye! Have a good one.

I rushed home after the office as it’s the weekend. I went home freshened up and messaged her. An hour passed and I didn’t get a reply. She might be busy.

After an hour, there is a chime on my phone. It is her message, I’m excited and opened the message. It went like.

Sruthi: Hi!

Me: Hey WhatsUp!

Sruthi: Nothing much, hey I got a question to ask.

Me: Shoot it!

Sruthi: What if I delete this account and never reveal myself?

Me: I will definitely feel sad. But I will appeal to you, not to delete it.

Sruthi: Hmm, okay can I call you?

Me: Sure, now?

Sruthi: If you are busy I will call later.

Me: No, no. call me. I’m free.

***** Instagram call rings *****

Sruthi: Hi!

Me: Hey!

Sruthi: So, I need to tell you something. We are chatting for a couple of months. But I kinda know you.

Me: I didn’t get you, can you elaborate?

Sruthi: Umm yeah, I’m actually Rashmika from the office.

I was first surprised a bit, but I liked it to be accurate.

Me: Rashmika? The debate girl?

Sruthi: Yes! I’m sorry if you felt bad.

Me: No no, it is fine. I think it is brilliant and loved it.

Then I had the best phone conversation of my life. We talked about a lot of things and I felt absolutely delighted. This is the best way to know someone’s real character.

I may be acting like I’m a nice guy looking, saying honest love and all that. But without talking to me and knowing my actual character, how can she trust me?

She may or may not accept my honest love motion, but I can say with absolute certainty that I got an awesome friend for this lifetime. It is wonderful!

The secret thought of my heart!

Should I kiss you back or should I not,

Guess this is just a curse, just a wrath;

Should I tell you this or just hold the thought,

Because you and I are made to be apart;

Is this what we call misery, or our fates throwing us dart,

Well, it might be just us again crossing the paths;

Should I wet my lips with you or leave them to rot,

Don’t worry my dear, that’s not your fault;

Wish you could ask me one more time to touch or not,

And I could tell that I miss you and you are too hot;

I laugh at myself about that because I thought I forgot,

For my mind keeps telling me, you are carrying a lot;

Whenever we meet, I can see through your heart,

Is it just me with you or is that my art;

May be I should seal my feelings like a clot,

Darling, you and I are made to be apart!

Read more such stories and poetry on https://penfluky.home.blog/category/stories/

Story Not For The Light-Hearted, The Reality.

” I did it! I finally did it! Everyone thought this is some fairy tale story! But I did it! I cannot believe I did this!

I’m going to call my friend and tell him this. He might not believe me, but this is crazy! I just can’t believe it!

Hey Harris! Mark here, I finally did it! I’m successful in creating the machine! My dream has come true! I’m very excited about this!”

“Congratulations Mark! Your struggle has finally paid off! I’m very happy for you! What are the next steps that you have to do to move forward?”

“Testing man, getting more people to volunteer for this. Conducting trials and collecting the data and if everything checks out, expecting a nobel lol.”

“That is awesome my man! I cannot say how happy I’m for you! World betterment is the next stop! I’m here for you if you need anything.”

“I know Harris! I know it! Thanks for always being there bud! I will meet and talk to you soon. Take care my man.”

“Yo Mark, I will see you soon. Let’s drink a beer together next time we meet! Once again congrats and all the best, talk later bud!”

Call ends

“It is always awesome to talk to my brother man! I think even I don’t believe in me that much than him. Should find volunteers and get going.

“I will give an advertisement tomorrow in media for volunteers and hope I get a few people or at least one. Should give an attractive advertisement.

“Here is the advertisement: Wanna know if people really trust you? And everything you say? If you are curious get in touch with me!

“Looks nice! I’m gonna post it and see what happens. Well its been a long day, I will sleep for some time and hope to see everything works.

Next Day

“That was a good sleep! Let’s see if I got any volunteers. I hope at least I got one. Let us see………… here we goo…..

“Well, this sucks! I got zero replies from the people. People rush you all the useless and imaginary things but for science and development.

“What can I do other than wait. I will continue with the day and hope someone replies to me. Man understanding people is tough!

In the evening

“Let’s see if I got any replies about the advertisement. I hope there is someone out there who trusts in science. Here we go……

“Wow! I got a reply! Yes to the sciences. Let’s see who is this wonderful human being. Ah! looks like a man, anyone’s fine. Let us see what he says.

“What the…..! His message says wanna invest in bitcoin and want to turn $500 investment into $5000? Message to find out more.

“These scammers! I wonder how many people fall into this. I sometimes feel bad for people who fall into these scams. Well, I will check tomorrow.

Next Day

“Let’s see….. yay I got a genuine reply! This guys name is Morris. He wants to participate in this and he is from this city, Niicee…

“I will message him and get in touch with him and I hope I don’t blow this up and I really hope he accepts to volunteer for my study.

” I just sent him a message and I hope he accepts and meets me. Everything starts with a single step and I hope this step is a success.

“Wow, he accepted my request for the study and gave me his contact number. This is an awesome start for this wonderful story so far.

“Hey, Morris! This is Mark, the one who asked you about the study. Thanks for accepting. Are you free tomorrow to meet?”

“Hey, Mark! No problem, I’m always in to promote science. Yes, I’m free tomorrow to meet you. Shall we meet for lunch?

“Sure Morris, I will text you the location to meet. We shall meet for lunch and I will explain the procedure. See you soon. Take care!

Call ends

“Well, the story just got very interesting. I’m beyond pumped! I can’t wait to meet this gentleman and start my experiment.

Next Day

“Hey Morris, thanks for meeting with me. So will keep it simple. I suppose you have read the description of the advertisement right?”

“Hi Mark, Yes I have read it. It is very interesting. I just want to see science has come to a stage to see if people believed what I say.”

“I’m beyond happy that a young man like you is interested in science and I’m pretty sure if I tell you the procedure you will more thrilled.”

“I’m excited and all ears Mark! Hit me with it.

“At first I have two pills. Both with different functionalities. One of the pills is I need you to take before telling the news to the person.

“This enables you to tell the truth. I want the news you tell to be honest and not to fake or play with peoples feelings.

“The second pill is for them. After they take the pill it takes 24 hours to activate. After that, you can tell them the news and it captures actual reaction.

“So you need to take the pill after the next day after they take it and just before you tell the news. I hope you are following my story.”

“Yes, Mark I followed that train of thought and I completely get it. Just one question, where are the results captured for this?”

” I have a Virtual Reality kind of headset that gives the data right to you so that there will be privacy. I just formulate it and give the details.”

“Interesting Mark very interesting. I’m in on this. I will give the pills today and call them by taking my pill right in front of you tomorrow. “

“Wonderful! Here are three pills to give to others and I have your pill. I can give you your pill when we meet tomorrow at my office. Take care man!”

Next Day

“Hey Morris, so you are here. Did you give your friends that pill? And most importantly did it pass 24 hours after they have taken it?”

“Hey Mark, Yes I did and yes it is past 24 hours. I have one question though. If they already knew about pill how would we get genuine reaction?”

“To answer this simple for you, it is science, Morris. Their lips might be lying, but with their moments and inner body functions we can be accurate up to 90%”

“Cool! One more question too, why this 24-hour clock though? Can’t we take the pill at the same time and get honest reactions?”

“Very good question Morris, the pill you give them captures the data on how they speak the truth and lies in these 24 hours. After that their reaction to your problem will be honest”

“Interesting! I can’t tell you how excited I’m Mark! I’m ready, lets do this!”

“You bet! Let us unfold the other part of the Story! Take the pill and call one of the people you gave the pill.”

“Sure, Hey Claire, so I had a very bad incident Yesterday. As you know I took the pill just now and I will only be speaking the truth. Yesterday there was a big fight with my parents and I’m feeling very bad.

“I have these fights regularly but this is kind of a big one and I’m feeling very bad about it. Just wanted to share with you.”

“Aww! I’m sorry to hear that Morris. I wish I was there to help you with this. Just don’t take too much in and keep focusing on things that matter. You will surely have very good days ahead.”

“Thanks for listening Claire! You are the best as always. Talk to you soon!”

“Any time Mark! Have a good day and remember to not to take too much in.”

“So Morris, she seems like a very good friend. I’m sending the results to your VR. Take a look and testify for yourself.”

“She is very awesome Mark. I’ve known her for a very short period, but she like one of my best friends. A mentor and a mountain like support.”

“Glad to hear that! Shall we call the second one Morris?”

“Sure Mark, here we go! Hey Tommy, what’s up my man! So listen I had this big fight with my parents regarding job and stuff and its very bad man!”

“Hey, Morris, my man! Bro, I have told you many times, quit those bloodsuckers and do something you love. I’m sure even your parents will appreciate this,

“Sure at first they might taunt you and stuff, but you willsuffer for the rest of your life if you don’t. Do you want me to talk to your parents on this?”

“No Tommy, it’s fine! If things go out of my hand I will surely ask you to talk to them. Thanks for listening bud! Hope to see you soon!”

“Even he seems like a good guy Morris!”

“Yes Mark, I know him for 10 years, We have been friends since my school. He is one of my best friends.”

“Good to hear that! I have sent the results of these as well.” Ready for the third?”

“Absolutely Mark! Here we go Hey Roger! What’s up brother? So listen I had this big fight with my parents and it was very bad brother!”

“Hey, Morris, I’m sorry to hear that brother. I just can’t imagine myself in your situation. You have a lot on your plate, I’m surprised to see that you are managing them without losing mental balance.

“These are testings times my man! Just stay strong and I’m pretty sure you will overcome these too.”

“Thanks for listening bud! Talk to you soon!”

“Morris looks like you got some awesome friends. I have sent the data of the third too.”

“Honestly Mark, I just came to see how science works on this. I need not see the results. I’m pretty sure they trust me and I trust them too. Thanks for the expereince.”

“You are welcome Morris, but I suggest you look at the data. So the experiment can be marked as successful and complete.”

“Sure Mark, I will definitely look. Here we go. Mark I think there is a mistake. It shows Roger didn’t believe it. I don’t believe this.”

“Calm down Morris, I have been formulating this for the past 7 years. I’m pretty sure it’s good.”

“I’m calling Roger Mark. I can’t stand this anymore. Hey Roger, be honest with me the result shows you didn’t trust me. The system might be broken, but the scientist here says it is efficient. Please be honest.”

“Uhmm well, I honestly think you want sympathy or some kind of attention. So I think you might have lied about things and your story.

It doesn’t make sense that a person can have all these sufferings. Now you be honest and tell the truth. Do you want sympathy?”

“What the fuck are you talking about bud? Why would I want sympathy?
Are you listening to yourself? What happened to you?”

“Stop lying and wasting my time man! I have other works to do. Leave me alone!”

Call ends

“Mark! What the hell is this? I know Roger since 6 years, this cannot be true, I mean I could have proved my story. This is not fair!”

“Okay Morris, I will tell you something very important. you gotta listen very carefully. You said you would prove your story. How many times will you do that?

“If you prove that you are emotional to someone to get their trust, you are becoming an emotional slave to yourself.

“How many times will you prove your story and the situation? What is more bizarre than proving to someone that you are crying?

“One of the famous Philosophers Albert Camus once said Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is, you are said in this situation and that is a fact.

“If someone doesn’t believe that, that doesn’t mean that you are not sad. That means they are not trusting you.

“How would someone believing or not believing you change your emotional state, Morris? It is not reality or logical right?”

“On the other hand, you have told your part of the emotion and the story. You are relieved that a person is listening to you. The other person believing or not believing is not your business, right?”

“You are absolutely right Mark! Thanks for listening, I will take leave and once again thanks for the experiment.”

End of story

In conclusion, I just want to say Human emotions are not concrete and we cannot express a single emotion at the same time.

It is always a combination of emotions. That is how our limbic system of the brain is built.

But some of us might be getting sucked into a single emotion at times. This can be due to the environment we live in, a situation we might not be able to handle etc.,

If we take this deeply in psychological terms, it is not a single expression it is a sadness that moves to grief, pain and disturbs the capabilities to think.

Why would someone wants sympathy when they are sad? If you don’t want to help or listen, no problem say that straight.

But if you are claiming that a person is sad always just because to get sympathy, that is the most disgusting thing ever and its inhumane.

According to many research articles, this is one of the leading causes of high-level depression. Not listening to one’s story and blaming them for being sad is bizarre.

My Home Sweet Home, this is where I belong

Walk to my home

We travel a lot of places, we do a lot of things, but at the end of the day, our body demands to go back home. Now what home is may vary with people. A home is not literally a shelter, but a place or a person you feel that you belong to; that is your home sweet home!

Reading those lines, I kept walking forward. “How can I belong to something? Isn’t it Psychological?” I laughed and threw the piece of paper away. It came to me in a cookie. “Humans are sentimental fools” I laughed. It occurred to me that I always assume that I’m not human.

I don’t know how it happens, but most of the time I feel like an observer of this world and not really one of them. And I think everyone feels that way, but I don’t know. I get too carried away sometimes, and I just feel like I’m observing, writing notes and learning what a human is.

When it comes to me; when I suddenly look into the reflections of mine, I remember that I’m one of those idiots I laugh at. There might be some idiot who is laughing at me right now. And for that dimwit, I’m an idiot. Are humans innately narcissistic? Or is it just me reflecting myself upon the world?

My home sweet home?

I reached my building and I opened the gate. I could see the baker’s family packing their bags, all tired and fed-up. “Need help?” I yelled. I don’t know why I did, it was spontaneous but I did however. “Nah, it is almost done” Premji answered. He is a funny little guy. I have different names for people in my mind, and I name them with a physical attribute they got.

I can never say that out loud, because it might appear to be an insult. Maybe I will be looked upon as an objectifying shit. But, physical attributes, as it is, without any adjectives are not insults according to me. “A fat man” is not an insult for me. “An ugly fat man” is definitely an insult. I’m a logical person.

“Don’t you feel sad?” A voice called me from the lost world of thoughts. I realised that I have been staring into Premji’s wife’s face all the time while thinking about names and fat men. “Because you are leaving?” I asked. That was dumb, but that was I thought, so it’s ok.

“No, because you are selling your house” she said in a painful tone. “I haven’t quite thought of it. I guess I am not sad. I’m neutral” I said. But I didn’t mean what I said. In fact, I have never really thought about it that way. My house? Does it belong to me? I am its owner. It’s my home sweet home!

I continued to walk smiling and while climbing the stairs there was a scent that felt new. Well, I understood that I have been sniffing this scent all the time but it was this time that I realised that it was different from the outside. I walked to my room upstairs, on the first floor. I unlocked and got in. The smell grew dense and it filled my nostrils.

The smell of my home

This is the smell of my house! This is its scent. Maybe it’s the naphthalene balls, I thought and went back to bed. I just bumped on the bed, like gravity pulled me down. Back to names, I went. I would recognize Mr. Premji as Mr. Five By Five. He is five feet tall and seemingly wide. He reminds me of the song, Mr. Five by Five.

And this urge came to me to listen to that song. But I was too lazy to reach my phone that I left on the table in the living room. My drive to listen to the song wasn’t strong enough to motivate me from getting up. I kept lying there, looking at the edge of the pillow.

An Ecosystem?

I noticed a small spider walking around the edge of the pillow. It is inches away from the tip of my nose and I guess it noticed this giant creature and is trying to run away. I blew air, like a sadist and saw the spider fall far away on the floor. And it struck me that my home is actually an ecosystem.

The baker, me, five other humans who live above, not only them, there are lizards, rats, roaches and spiders that live with me. I have inherited not just a building but an entire ecosystem, I thought. And I couldn’t shake this thought away. I don’t know why, but there was an urge to shout “ecosystem”. And like every other human, I am in control of my emotions too.

I shouted “ecosystem”, and I laughed. Then I took a deep breath. I noticed the scent again. This is my ecosystem too. This smell, the old radio, loose-hinged bed, half-rusty windows, paint flaky ceiling, and every corner about this house, they belong to me. NO, I belong to them.

My belonging is to every corner of this house, and couldn’t shake this feeling and to away with it I got up. I should have a coffee, I thought and rushed to the kitchen; my senses are all awake now. I saw myself and my memories everywhere around this place. It is indeed my home sweet home.

Memories in my home

I heated and poured some coffee and instinctively sat on the kitchen counter. I imagined my mother preparing food while I chatted to her while drinking coffee. And I imagine my sister yelling my name in an annoyed tone from the living room and my father entering the house after his work.

My senses. Smell, touch, objects that I see, sounds, and the taste of this coffee, they took me back in time. And after almost two decades, I realised this was my home; my ecosystem. That I belong here and it owns me. I understood why I never thought I belonged in the city. Because my ass always belongs here.

Now it might be dumb, it might just be a psychological construct, but I realised like any other human, even I was a mere human and I am already trapped in the sentiment of belonging. I don’t know how it happened, but there was an urge. And I realised that they are going to demolish the house in a week. Practically, I wouldn’t be able to capture the entire house in my memories.

Memories aren’t reliable and I want to capture every corner and every inch of this house. The drive was strong. So strong that I couldn’t resist. I rushed outside with my phone, I began clicking pictures. But it was not enough. Photos were not reliable too. I began recording the video of my entire house like an idiot.

I didn’t want to leave any corner un-recorded. The edge where I hit my head as a kid, the corner where I hid while playing hide and seek, I was not leaving anything go un-captured. I don’t know how it happened, but in the process of recording this ecosystem of mine, tears rolled down my eyes.

Reliving, capturing the last moments

I rushed downstairs, I wanted to capture the garden and the backyard. And I kept on recording and the tears rolled down, I kept wiping them. I’m selling the house, with it, I can’t survive, I can’t maintain it. Without it, I guess I’m homeless. Maybe I will be somewhere, plant my ass on a bed in some corner. But I won’t belong there.

Not as much as I belong here. This is my home sweet home, this is where I belong. I couldn’t control my tears anymore, I burst out falling on my knees in the garden. I don’t know what stuck me. But this smell, this sight, this touch of the mud, the taste of the coffee at the end of my tongue, I can not have these at one time again.

My home, sweet home

There would be a new smell, a new sight and a new ecosystem which won’t be mine till I finally delude myself and divert in the uncontrolled chaos of my life. But as a matter of fact; as a logical and quite evident observation, I can say with authority that this is my home!

A person’s sound of walking made me come back to this world again and I turned towards it. It was Mrs.Premji looking at me with sympathy in her eyes. “I understand, Krishna. It’s your home after all” she spoke softly. I nodded at her while I now finally understand what I’m doing, that I’m selling the place where I always belonged to. And I’m indeed sad or not happy at least.

Love Is In The Air, But I don’t want To Feel It.

It is the early 1900’s in Paris, the city of love. It was the spring season when the city of love has a natural romantic ambience. I was painting a beautiful canvas behind a lovely water fountain.

Every time the breeze flows by the water and touches my face, I feel alive. That day the breeze not only had the freshness but an awesome scent.

The scent that comes when all the angels beat their wings. That scent has love written all over it. I followed that scent to see what jewel is now added to the crown of the city.

I walk for some distance and there it is! And saw the most beautiful thing in the world! That was the day I saw the queen of angels walking in the city of love.

It was like the sunlight falling on a dew-kissed flower. That innocent smile, that curious eyes, with the walk of a swan in the river. The artist in me has become a poet of solace.

I have a habit of writing to express when I’m feeling low, this angel changed it for me. She got down the horse cart and the city of love was jealous of the celestial beauty of her.

The curious eyes of her were looking to find something. I couldn’t watch her stressing her eyes, I couldn’t take it. I gathered enough courage and started walking towards her.

Every step of mine towards her made my heart pound harder. That is the longest 20 steps I ever took. Finally, I got the courage to go near her, so that I can talk to her.

I went to her and she saw me and that’s it! Before I could speak, my eyes have already spoken a thousand words. I didn’t know I had a world-famous poet in me until I saw her.

I looked into her eyes and spoke my first words with her “Bonjour Madame! You don’t like you are from the neighbourhood. Where are you from?”

She turned towards me to answer. That turn is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! The way her hair waved in the air and the way she looked at me, wow! It looked like her hair is feeding love into the air of Paris!

She looked at me and started speaking, “Bonjour Monsieur! I’m new here. I’m renting a house in this neighbourhood. Are you from this area? How are the people around here?”

I cannot believe that an angel is talking to me! Her voice is the most soothing thing I have ever heard! It is like a beautiful singer singing and everlasting melody! I startled for a bit, came back to reality and started speaking.

“Yes, madame! I’m from here. This is the heart of love Paris! The people are lovely here. Right around that corner is where I live. May I help you with your belongings? They seem a bit heavy.”

She looks at me and smiles! Oh boy! It was a ray of beautiful sunshine on my face! She nods in agreement and I pick up the things and help her take them into the house.

After a few hours, all the things were moved to the house and she sighed me to sit on a chair. She went in and got some tea and gave it to me. I kept my sketching kit aside and started sipping it.

She saw the kit and asked, “What is that?” “This is my sketching kit madame, I draw potraits right around the water fountain.” “We have a water fountain nearby?!” She asked with joy.

That childlike innocence and those curious eyes that screamed joy! Man, she is the perfect women I have ever met. To continue the conversation I asked, ” Madame, if you don’t mind may I know your name?”

She smiled and said, “My name is Charlotte Monsieur, what is your name?” I smiled, that was the most genuine smile I had after a long time and said ” My name is Marlon Madame.”

I thanked her for the tea and left to home. That was the most beautiful day of my life. I couldn’t sleep the whole night thinking about the most exciting thing that happened to me.

The next day, I rushed to the fountain waiting for the angel to flap the wings on the fountain. After a few hours, my aha! moment came. The angel herself saw me and started walking towards me with a smile.

She came to me and asked “Salut Marlon, do you do your sketching here?” “Salut Charlotte, yes this is my place of sketching, do you want to see some samples of my work?” I asked.

“Of course, I would love to see them,” she said with innocent and excited eyes. I have shown her some samples and I enjoyed showing them more than her seeing them. It was remarkable.

She looked at me and took something from the pocket. She places it in front of me and says “Marlon, can you draw this?” It was a wooden cuckoo bird. I said “Yes” and start drawing it.

After an hour I show it to her, and the moment she saw it and said “Beaaaautiful!” That is the best compliment I have ever got! The way she said felt like the best thing that has ever happened to me.

She looked at my bag and there are a book and a pen, she took the book and asked me “Marlon, do you write as well?” I stumbled a bit and said ” Ye.. Yes, I write when I’m depressed or not feeling good Charlotte.”

She read a page, looked at me and left, I felt a bit broken and went home with sadness. It felt very bad seeing her leave. I thought I might not see her ever again and it was the worst!

The next morning I was at the fountain sketching and suddenly I see Charlotte coming towards me. It is an extraordinary feeling seeing her come towards me.

She came to me and gave me another object to draw and I did the same. She took the sketch gave me a look with a smile and left. This went on for a week and she took sketches daily.

One day she bought a wooden box to sketch, while I was drawing she started speaking to me ” So Marlon, you said when you are sad you write, I’m I right?”

“Ye..Yes, that is what I said Charlotte” I mumbled. She smiled and said, “well you are sketching for 7 days, have you ever felt sad within this period?” I was blown away by the way she thought for me.

“No I was just curious and a bit said that you were not talking,” I said. She smiled and said “That is what I wanted you to do, not to feel sad but be curious and forget being sad. I don’t like when you are sad.”

These were the best words I had ever heard! This continued for three months and she bought numerous amounts of objects to sketch. I asked many times that I want to sketch her, but she always said it was for a special moment.

After three months, she came to me and said “Marlon, today is a special day. Why don’t you come to my house in the evening and I will share the special moment with you?”

I felt like a kid who got the sweetest candy! I was waiting for the evening very badly. As the time drew itself to the evening, the excitement in a way broke the last boundaries and just went ga-ga!.

Finally, the time has come and I rushed to Charlotte’s house. I knocked on the door and she invited me in. The house was lit with all the beautiful candles and the ambience was fantastic.

She sighed me to sit down and she went in. From her kitchen, she said, “Marlon, close your eyes, I have a big surprise for you!” I closed my eyes and my excitement was like a kid waiting for his Christmas present.

After some time, she said, “Now open them!” I did and oh boy was I surprised! Some other man was sitting beside her on the couch opposite. I was rather puzzled thinking who is this.

She said, “Marlon, I would like you to meet Achille, who is my fiancee now.” I felt like my heart left my body when I heard the word fiancee. I mean what can I say.

She continued, “Marlon, I have another surprise as well. Remember I took your books to read? Achille is a publisher and I was able to print one of your books!

I didn’t have any life left after the fiancee word. After some time, I tried to gather myself and had a fake smile. I just looked around so that I don’t see into the eyes of Charlotte.

I was afraid my eyes could speak and give out feelings in the form of tears. When I looked around I saw a paper and the sketching kit. Charlotte looked at me and smiled.

She said, “Well this is a special moment, do you want to sketch us?” I held myself and after some time I said, ” sure, why not.” I set up the paper and started sketching them.

A teardrop fell from my cheek onto the paper. Only paper, pencil and my heart know that mark. I sketched it, put it in her hand and looked at her and said, “Thank you.”

I was about to leave, Charlotte caught my hand and stopped me and I was shocked to see what was happening. She looked straight into my eyes and said.

“Marlon, I have a piece of bad news to tell as well. I’m leaving the city for Rome. As you know, I’m an author, I keep travelling country to country. I’m so sorry, but I’m leaving.”

I was horrified to hear that. Not only she doesn’t love me back, but she is also leaving my sight forever. I gathered myself up and said, “Whee. when are you leaving?”

“In three days Marlon, but I must say I will miss you so much. I will make sure to write a postcard regularly. Please write back to me too. And if everything goes well, we will surely meet one day.”

That is the end of my happiness. The streets of Paris are not lovable anymore. It all feels gloomy and unorganised. Nothing makes sense anymore and I feel like I’m in oblivion.

As my book is published, I got more deals and kept writing. The more I write the more depressed I’m. I earned a lot of money. I became a very successful writer.

The more depressed I become the more I wrote. Now, who will get me objects to sketch? Who will divert me from my mood? Who will talk to me and care for me?

The love may be in the air of Paris, but I don’t want to feel it.

Bottom Line Is I Prefer Not To Exist.

In the imaginary race with time, I barely think about what is happening to me. If I stress I even don’t know what I’m feeling. But there some sort of disturbance or sadness that is always pumping from the bottom of my heart.

I work at a graveyard shift for a private company. My job is to take client tickets and resolve them. There will be calls of clients as well, I need to greet them with a smile and assist them accordingly. Yeah, it sucks to the bottom, but what sucks more is the way I get treated.

The clients don’t have respect for us as humans what so ever. We get to hear all kinds of cusses. I got to know them in different languages too. It is like I got used to them, I don’t like it, but that is what it is.

If the work is like this, one would expect the management would be supportive. That ship sank to the bottom way back and its the worst. The stuff they do to keep us “Productive” is bizarre.

They do a video call in the middle of the shift just to check if we are smiling while talking to clients. They are planning to plant mirrors so that we can set our looks and smile while talking.

I don’t know how to express this. They are trying to cut our genuine emotions and programming us to smile. They are trying to make us into robots from top to bottom. It feels very difficult even to breathe and survive.

It feels like a bottomless pit and I keep on falling. Personal life is no paradise either. It feels like “so-called” family members treat me like some random object that we ignore. No one asks If I smiled or had a good day or anything.

But if I talk about passion or something, they pile on me and bring me down to the ground. I also want to talk to my mother in a normal way. I also want to share information with my father like a normal child. But they seem like far fetched dreams.

Few of my friends stopped talking to me because of my bottom states. I get emotional when a huge pile of problems fall on me. Let’s face it, no one likes a whiny person right? I’m shocked and privileged I still have few people and friends that listen to me.

My phone goes empty all day. I sit alone in my room working or doing something. Some of my friends used to call me regularly the day would be way better. Now no one talks and suddenly I need to take these calls and it feels all fuzzy and weird. It’s fine everyone has their own lives and priorities.

Every time I hear that ring on the call, my heart skips a bit. Some unknown fear and pain run to the bottom of my spine and in my heart. what cusses would I need to hear today? Who will yell at me? How much I’m I going to feel sad today?

I get panicked and get very scared. It feels like someone is groping me and I sit there and allow it to happen. It hurts a lot inside and I don’t know how to express it. I’m lost for words and in a lot of pain that I cannot handle.

Why I’m I saying all this? So-called people and society say we need to work hard and we will be good. If people call this good, then I never want to be good in life. This sucks to the core, it is a huge pile of shit, where I survive daily on my tears.

You kill all of our curiosity we have as a child and try to rub your hypothetical success goals on us. Why should someone do a job and laugh and be fake and do a naked dance in this bottomless hole?Why cannot a person be the way he wants to live?

If we question all this we are being rude and don’t know anything in life. If doing what we love is rude and smiling is ignorance about life, then fine I’m happy to be ignorantly rude. But we can’t right, all kinds of crap come up if we open and talk.

The bottom line is I prefer if I don’t exist. I’m running an imaginary race that I never signed up for. I don’t know for how long but the longer I keep running to the bottom I keep sinking.

Note: This is from our beloved friends John’s diary.

Night Life, Expression Of Countless Tears.

When the time passes towards the night,
It is time to set everything straight.
It is time to log in and work,
Time to put on a fake smirk.

I have to speak to clients on the phone.
Treating their problems as my own.
It feels like the night is pulling me to oblivion,
Sometimes it all feels like an illusion.

I feel like a night owl that doesn’t know other sounds,
It feels like I’m lost in a gigantic abyss.
I can’t even cry about it as I need to speak,
My heart inside me always has that sad squeak.

I cannot keep these emotions no matter how much I try,
Sometimes in the night, I want to hug someone and cry.
Every night I work it makes me more depressed,
I have lost interest in things that make me excited.

Mentally, I’m dead and physically tired,
Trying to keep it together, emotionally I’m drained.

Efficacy In Existence, A True Endeavour.

On a Saturday evening, I completed my work and scrolling through my social media. Liking memes and just passing the time. A rare moment where the efficacy of my sadness it not taking over. After some time, there was a chime on the phone.

It is my friend Charvi. She is one of the good buddies I have, and we talk regularly and a lot of stuff. If I feel low or want to share something, I’m pretty sure that her inbox is always open. The text says she has something important to talk and come to Instagram. I opened it, and here is how the conversation goes.

Charvi: Hey. Hi, listen, I have something important to say.

Me: Yes, madame, at your service!

Charvi: Hahaha, okay this is important, listen carefully.

Me: You robbed a bank, and now the police are chasing you?

Charvi: Yeah, I even got a cure for stupidity, but sadly its efficacy is only on humans. Sorry, can’t fix you. Now shut up and listen.

Me: Lol, okay, go ahead.

Charvi: Okay, so my parents are findings options for me to marry. I don’t know that guy. I’m a bit nervous, and I don’t want to marry now. I want to stand up for myself, fulfil my dreams and then think of marriage. What to do?

Me: Okay, I understand what position you are in right now. Marriage is must be mutual between two people. If you are not comfortable, tell them that you are not. If you have dreams, you must chase them.

Charvi: Yeah, I wish it is that easy. Me going to my parents and saying I want to chase dreams and don’t want to marry. Would they listen to me?

Me: It is better to sit and talk before taking an important decision in your life. If you decide to marry, the person coming to your life will be with you for at least the next 40 years. So, think and talk in all the ways possible.

Charvi: Yeah, I will gather up the courage to talk to them. Gosh! I wish this were easy. Why don’t we have ideal efficacy everywhere in life? If I don’t marry, I will make my parents unhappy. Why should it be like this?

Me: Well, to be honest, we humans created these boundaries. We feel to care for loved ones’ decision because we give value to them in our life. It varies from person to person. I’m sure you will come up with a way to convince your parents and follow your dreams.

Charvi: Easy for you to say! You always have people who care for you. You always tell stories about your friends and how they care for you. I feel jealous sometimes on you and want to be in your shoes.

Me: Lol, to be very honest, those days were gone. The error is on both sides. I stopped sharing the incidents that are happening, and ears who used to listen have stopped hearing. Now those eyes hate me and that ears don’t search for my voice.

Charvi: Oh, shut up! You make this shit up in your brain. Your friends love you, and I have seen Instagram stories and stuff. Stop creating scenarios for yourself and be what you are. People who care for you love you.

Me: Well, to be brutally honest “no”. People who used to care for me don’t do that anymore. I cared for them even if they got a papercut. I used to ask how they were and used to talk. Recently I literally posted a suicide note article on my social media. No one gave a “fuck.”

Not only that I posted a lot of sad stuff, and I even posted that I was depressed. No one batted an eye, and I even went through some tests medically. They knew this and didn’t bother to ask what happened. These are the same people who said, “We are there” “we will talk to you no matter what.”

Charvi: Oh my god! What happened? Are you okay?

Me: There is nothing new, the usual family issues. Adding to that, even my organisation hated me, to which, I was most loyal started hating me. I made a few mistakes, told apologies in all the ways possible. It hurts when you feel like you annoy the person who you respect you the most.

Charvi: Oh, gosh! You must be devastated! I’m so sorry. How are you now? I’m sure you hate those people now.

Me: I’m okay, I guess, and I don’t hate them to be very honest. If I know they are having problems; I will message the same way and find out if everything is okay. It is not that I’m good or bad; it is just the way I’m.

I respect those people without any tags and will continue to do so no matter what. The feelings I have for those people are not under business terms. It is under care, trust and love. That is the real efficacy of a relation.

Charvi: I wish I were not busy these days! I wish I would have talked to you. It’s okay; it is not too late. I’m here for you.

Me: Thanks for that, I know you are always there. Everyone says people should be self-sufficient, self-dependent and stuff. But I tell people should have to be able to self-hold themselves. When there is no one to hold your hand, you must be able to hold yourself and move ahead.

On the other hand, when I expressed these th0ughts through my writings they called me I was craving attention. I’m being a drama queen on this. I didn’t know this attracted attention until I read from their shoes. I was just expressing my emotions.

Yes it hurts, and it’s depressing but, if no one is ready to be with you or left you for any reason, you must be able to love and live with you. Even if you remove all the people and relations in your life, you exist, and that is a fact. This is what I believe the real efficacy of life.