health – Penfluky

Closure In Life: A Self Guided Way To Move On.

In our day to day life, we might come across from many difficult situations. Some situations might be very tough to move on and find closure. Not only daily incidents, but even past trauma also affects us in finding closure.

By this, we will have a lot of physical and mental health issues. On the other hand, if we are not able to find closure, the trauma always haunts us, and that is never a good sign to find peace.

In this article, I will share a way to find closure and move on. Before we begin, I want to say this is my method which I’m following this method for the past two weeks and it helped a lot,

I designed this method in a few steps which are easy to follow. You can follow them and divert yourself slowly away from trauma. If you have any method, let us know by emailing us messaging us on social media.

1.Finding An Acoustic Spot: First of all, find a space where you can sit and be yourself. It can be in your house, in your room, your chair or anything. It can be any location where you can sit comfortably.

2.Collecting Moments: Once you are in your spot, start collecting moments. Write down the incidents that made you smile for the day. I suggest you do that at the end of the day so that you can write more things.

You need not literally write, you can type them on your computer, laptop, or you can install a notepad app and type them on your phone. Make sure to not forget even of the tiny things that made you smile.

3.Donot Maintain Duality: When you are in your zone, don’t maintain duality. Never think about the things that made you sad when you are in your spot and writing the things that made you smile. Just concentrate on collecting smiles.

4.Read It The Next Day: Once you have made the list of smiles read it when you are starting your next day. By this, you will start the day by smiling, which gives an excellent start to the day ahead.

Not only this, by smiling you release dopamine, endorphins and serotonin are all released into your bloodstream. By doing this, your body relaxes, and it also works to lower your heart rate and blood pressure. That is a perfect start!

4.Challenge Yourself: You can challenge yourself if you remember trauma or sad. For example, if you are at work and remember anything challenge yourself at doing work by keeping timers. By this, you will deviate from thinking about your sadness.

For example, if you generally prepare a ppt in 30 minutes, keep a timer and try designing it in 20 minutes. By this, even if you don’t meet the timer, you won’t lose anything, if you do, that’s good progress.

5.Solve Your Issues With People: If you are having any petty issues with people who are affecting your closure, solve them. Just apologise or accept the apology and accept them into your life. Talk to them and feel better.

It is one life we are going to live. What will you do with all the hate and guilt? How many days will you suffer or makes others suffer for some petty issues or misunderstandings? Clear them and keep moving.

6. Find More Time For Yourself: You can try new hobbies that you are interested to try for a long time. You can get a pet, watch a good movie you want to watch, cook food that you like most etc.,

By doing the above steps, you will find a natural deviation from the things you are feeling sad. If you fixate on finding deviation from anything, you will keep thinking about it always so try deviating as naturally as possible.

You will also realise that you found closure within you and don’t need that particular person or feeling to find it for you. You are perfect and happy the way you are. Now that is called finding closure my friends.

That asshole activist!

The world goes on, the world moves as it is. If there is a change that happens that destroys the order in the world, the world destroys it. If it survives, adapts and changes, the world changes, and the order changes. It recurs and some activists fight for the unfair things in the world and the world again fights the activist to remain as it is.

It is the activist that is bothered with the unfair things in the world. And this unfair thing begins personally, it is unfair to the activist first and then they begin to realise there are other people like them who find these things unfair too. It is only then it becomes an activity. The activist carries the guilt of the world, but the world doesn’t carry their guilt. For the world they are just another speck of dust making unnecessary sounds and destroying the order for some logic that has never occurred to anybody.

The origin

Veeru, like all these activists, decided to fight for something he found unfair. It all started with a glass of milk. He was 17 then and he woke up to the cold chills of winter. Hyderabad is funny, the temperature during nights and early mornings are single digits but the afternoons burn your skin.

He woke up feeling a chill in his bones, he wanted to drink something warm. He checked his fridge and found a packet of milk. And he poured it into a vessel and started heating it. As he poured the hot milk into his cup, a thought occurred to his brain. “What is this liquid?” he thought. This liquid which I drink, which I crave to make some chai tea. Without it the tea tastes bad.

He instantly remembers a chapter in his school. “Cow gives us milk” and he told himself that milk is necessary. An essential need of humans. But again “What does this milk give me?”, “Oh! It gives me calcium. So, humans need milk for a lifetime” he sat on his couch sipped some hot milk. He recalled his brother drinking milk from his mother. “Kids need milk” he thought. “Kids need mother’s milk” he corrected himself. He switched his TV on and put National geographic.

There is some documentary about cubs of different cats. “Cats need milk, beings need milk” eh thought as he saw kittens sucking milk from their mother. He clicked next and there’s some another channel of leopards mating. “I have never seen an adult cat drinking milk” he thought. This thought remained and disturbed him for some time. All this time of thinking, he never sipped the milk. “It is a cow tit enzyme” he though. And he couldn’t sip the milk another time. In fact, he felt nauseous and almost puked the milk he drank. “It is weird” he stood up poured the milk back into the vessel.

The Problem

He went out for a walk to divert himself from this disturbing thought of himself sucking milk from a cow. “The grass the cow eats that allows the cow to produce the milk that it produces for its calf. Why am I even drinking it?” he thought. He turned around as a bus honked and his eyes went upon a big billboard. That board has a big poster of a cow smiling while holding a packet milk. “My fresh milk, just for you” the board read. It made him nauseous again.

“If a human ever said that sentence, it would look like a weird fetish” he thought. He could smell cow dung. He looked around and he saw a shelter where there are buffaloes tied up. It was 5 in the morning and a man came holding a tin from the shelter. He sat down and started milking the cow. Veeru looked around and saw a calf looking at all the milk being poured into a tin. “It surely is hungry” he thought. After the man collected enough milk, he let the calf suck remaining milk.

Veeru couldn’t control his urge and went up to the milk man. “The calf looks male” Veeru shouts to the milk man. “Yeah it is” milk man replied while pouring the milk into small tins. “Well, what do you do with it? I mean, it doesn’t give milk” Veeru asks. Milk man smiled and said “We sell it to the dealers, they either sell it to farmers or sell it to the beef factories” he said. Veeru looks at the calf drinking milk from its mother that’s tied to a pole.

The unfair

“It’s unfair” Veeru whispers. “What?” the milk man asked and Veeru turned around and started walking towards his home. “Do we even need milk? Or is it because of these farming industries promoting us to drink milk? No animal drinks milk after growing up. We are animals, right? We are drinking milk for its taste! Not for the need. It is not essential. It is a corporate propaganda for all these people to live by selling milk. But if we understood that we don’t need milk, will we buy milk? It is everyone that is brainwashed and addicted to milk. They told us that it is essential! And now we buy it from them. It is their livelihood”

Veeru stares blankly at the stairs without getting up to his home. “It is us who are paying these people to tie cows, buffaloes, and steal its baby’s food because of the common delusion that we all need milk”. Veeru felt like he found out something big. He was happy that he understood something out of the world; found something unfair to him. He understood that it is unfair anywhere in the world. He set foot on the stairs going above to his floor. And while climbing up these stairs, Veeru knew that he is going to fight for it; that he is going to gather more activists.

Hence the activist!

He decided to take all the guilt of human race to fight against this common unfairness; wanted to save humanity from the burden of mistreating and stealing the calf’s food. He decided to be an activist. And he wanted to find more people who consider themselves an activist, and just go for it! But the world is already in a structural format of drinking milk. It is an order of the world now. Will the world adapt to Veeru? Will the world take up on his guilt the way he took everyone’s? Or will Veeru remain the speck of dust while we sip milk and kill cows?

7 steps to improve your immune system

Why is taking care of your immune system important?

It’s simple. The immune system is the defence mechanism of our body, and it is our responsibility to keep it safe. But isn’t it another way round? You may ask. But the body is like tree guys! The proper you water it, give it nutrition, the more you bear the fruits. The better you provide nourishment to your body, the more it will keep you safe. That is why taking care of your immune system necessary. So, how do we take care of it? Here is a simple plan to follow, to keep your immune system strong and healthy.

Step-1-

Mindful eating-

Some of you might have stopped there itself when I said mindful eating but don’t worry. Mindful doesn’t have to be tasteless. You don’t have to punish yourself. Mindful eating includes following proper nutrition. Make sure you eat the right amount of carbohydrates, healthy fats, protein, fibre, vitamins and all the essential nutrients in your food. Apart from nutrients, see that your food includes good enough medicinal properties.

Spices like clove, thyme, cinnamon, oregano, and cumin are rich in antiviral and antimicrobial properties. Vitamin C is rich in fruits such as citrus fruits, kiwis, and several cruciferous vegetables. Protein is also essential for immune health. Include more plants and plant-based foods. Add fruits and veggies like Carrots, broccoli, apricots, citrus fruits and strawberries, spinach, red bell peppers, which are good sources of vitamins A and C. At the same time, seeds and nuts will provide you protein, vitamin E, and zinc. Additional sources of protein and zinc can be seafood, lean meat, and poultry.

Step-2-

Stress reduction-

Do you know that long-term stress might lead to chronically elevated levels of cortisol? When there is stress in your body, your body relies on cortisol. But when you continuously stress yourself, the cortisol levels keep going up discouraging the immune system to work well.

There are many effective stress-reducing techniques. Meditation, journaling, or any activity that you enjoy cannn help you reduce stress. Try and do at least one stress-reducing activity every day.

Step-3-

Quality Sleep-

We all have a myth that one needs to sleep only six hours or less. But, no. Everybody is different and requires an additional amount of sleep. Take enough time to sleep if you want your body and mind to work correctly. The body heals and regenerates while you sleep. Your immune system will go critically down if you do not give your body enough time to heal. Take 7-8 hours on an average to keep yourself healthy.

Step-4-

Exercise Regularly-

Apart from a good body, the reason why one should excercise is that when you are active, you are automatically decreasing the chance of chronic diseases like obesity and heart disease. When your body is active, it will relieve you from sluggish thyroid, allowing your body to function correctly. Women mostly face problems like PCOD/PCOS/irregular periods when they focus less on their body activity. A 30-minute morning walk will help you improve Vitamin-D and keeps you highly active. Exercise improves endorphin levels in the body which creates a sense of pleasure in you.

Step-5-

Decrease alcohol intake-

High amounts of alcohol are associated with negative health effects like low immune function. If you drink high amounts of alcohol, your body is busy trying to detoxify your system.

High alcohol consumption can weaken your body’s ability to fight infection and slow down your recovery time. That is why people who drink high amounts of alcohol face a greater likelihood of diseases like pneumonia, acute respiratory distress syndrome, alcoholic liver disease, and certain cancers.

Step-6-

Don’t Smoke!

Cigarette smoking will also affect immune health. The chemicals released by cigarette smoke like carbon monoxide, nicotine, nitrogen oxides, and cadmium decline the growth and function of immune cells, like cytokines, T cells, and B cells. Smoking will also worsen viral and bacterial infections, post-surgical infections, and rheumatoid arthritis.

Step-7-

Chronic conditions check-

Chronic conditions like asthma, diabetes, and heart disease affect the immune system and increase the risk of infections.

If people with type 2 diabetes won’t manage their blood sugar properly, it might lead to a chronic, low-grade inflammatory response that might weaken the body’s defence system.

If you can manage your chronic conditions better, you’ll free help your body fight off infection better. So, make sure you take proper medications, doctor visits, or healthy habits that keep your symptoms low.

Treat your body like a temple. Nourish it, respect it, care it and you will surely cherish the results.

Understanding A life past trauma and depression.

The year 2020 hit us all by surprise for all the wrong reasons. There is a lot of awareness that is spreading in the world, especially on mental health. This is a very good move considering most of us are staying home and socially not active. It is important that we spread this awareness and help each other out.

There are few norms that generally say it is a bit tough to identify a person suffering from initial stages of depression or trauma, which is right to some extent. The people suffering from depression, anxiety, trauma or any mental health issue communicate very less compared to others and it is tough to understand what is going on with them. So how can we identify these people and try helping them? Let us find out.

To be very honest with you all, I’m not a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist, but I have seen a person very closely suffering from this. As a student of science, I have researched a lot, read a lot of books to help that person. Now I’m sharing the same with you so that you can help anyone in need and try bringing them out of the darkness and show the colors of life.

Before that, I’ll narrate the person’s story to you so that we can debunk it and understand the same. They are a friend of mine and here is the story. To make it easy let us name them John. John is a very active kid and is always fond of paintings. They used to use all types of colours and paint very unique portraits. In 5th grade, they also won a prize for painting.

John is also fond of science. In 7th grade, John did a project on Earth’s ozone layer and won the third price in school. John mind is very active and is always searching for something. Little did john knew that he is about to get trauma in his life. John didn’t write science notes for 2 months in his 6th grade. His teacher made all the class of the boys hit John on the cheeks. Trust me guys this is a real story.

More than the physical pain it was hit on Johns mental health, it first led to embarrassment and then shame. After this, no one in class really talked to John, he was alone and didn’t express much. In 8th grade, a new student in the middle of the year joined John’s class. Let us name them Robert. Robert is a very fat kid and everyone used to bully him. People used to bully John as well so both Robert and John became friends.

You might think wow finally they got each others company now everything must be good, but life is a bitch isn’t it? Robert and John used to hang out all the time and became good buddies. John is always fond of LED lights. He said the same to Robert. Robert one day invited John saying he glued batteries to an old unused glue bottle and connected them to LED’s and made a small light.

John has no idea what is happening with him, he is moving his legs and trying to escape but as Robert is very huge, John is unable to move past him. Robert sat on John and started slapping him. Robert tore down the pants of John and tried inserting his private part in John’s mouth. As it was not successful, Robert slapped him, bet him to pulp and tried raping him.

John somehow tried kicking Robert but was unsuccessful, he somehow managed to punch Robert on the face, kicked him and got out of there. He went home and cried for 3 hours. Then the after-effects of that trauma are what changed his life forever. After this John barely talked to anyone. He developed fears, nightmares, sleeplessness, weight loss, depression and many other things. His social life became a null set.

John now avoids people, communicating with strangers, social gatherings, apologises very frequently, sleeplessness, has very less social connections, don’t want to lose people, has very low self-esteem, he always turns back to check if anyone is attacking him, always checks his watch for the time, cries for every two nights, always fails to express his thoughts and many more psychological implications.

There are other implications such as feeling very emotional for a sad event or news, mood swings, sitting idle for hours, overthinking of scenarios that don’t happen and few others. According to science, this condition is PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder). General symptoms include intrusion, avoidance, alterations in cognition and mood, alterations in arousal and reactivity.

People who suffer from PTSD get misunderstood as they don’t express themselves properly, they are mocked, bashed and even ignored when they are stating an opinion. So what can be done to help people like john if they are around you? To help people like John, we must know how to find people like John.

If your loved one suffering from the above symptoms for a longer duration of time, there is a high chance that the person is suffering from depression or trauma. Mind you sadness is different from depression, sadness will last for few days and the person will rebound to his normal day to day activities a person in depression will suffer for long periods of time and shows above symptoms.

Studies show that depression or trauma spotted early can be cured very efficiently. So if you see anyone around you sad or isolating themselves for a long time, talk to them and seek medical care if needed. In the times like this where people are claustrophobic, let us keep an eye on our loved ones and keep a virtual connection, by a message or a call. By this, we can try spotting them at the early stages, and we can keep them safe and secure.

Links For Reference:
Common reactions to sexual assault: https://www.loyola.edu/department/counseling-center/services/students/concerns/sexual-assault/reactions

PTSD: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd

Congratulations! It’s a bartender!

Being born in India is like being born with a head tag that reads out one’s career. Right when the baby drops out or sometimes even before the sperm has hit the egg, they are destined to become something. “Hey, I want to have kids” both the parents talk. But it’s a bit different here, it’s like “Shit my favourite uncle died of cancer! Let’s have sex and give birth to doctor?”

The kid learns unscrewing a bolt, and the parents are already proud. They are pleased because they want to make the kid a mechanical engineer, and this unscrewing somehow makes them feel like it’s progress. Doesn’t make sense? Shouldn’t either! “I always wanted to make you a doctor, son” Come, one dad, I always wanted to be born in a mansion with 24 servants. I couldn’t choose my parents, neither can you determine what happens to me.

When I was a kid, I always dreamed of holding guns and standing at the border, chanting slogans of my country. If the tables had turned and my country was to be vanished and occupied, I would still be holding a gun, but I would be called a militant. Career is a joke! Professions are just labels we created to make things easy; they are only labels.

I felt relieved when my schooling was finished. Didn’t even know what those subjects had to do with my life, but I was promised that they would somehow help me. I happened to visit an uncle who lectured me for an hour. He said I should take engineering as my bachelor’s degree and also study my masters in some foreign university. I never knew why people would do those things. Like studying in international institutions, as they cost a lot! I thought they were going for the quality of education. But it was only later that I realised they needed quality of certification and not professional training.

An MA History from Danayya Institute from Dilshuknagar looks blech. But the same certificate with beautiful words and designs looks attractive. Who doesn’t “Woah” at a guy who had done ‘Masters in Liberal Arts’ at Stanford University? Did they feed him with diamonds? I don’t think so. But you can definitely buy diamonds with the expense of studying outside.

Many people talk only about what they studied in the US or the UK. They won’t tell you how they paid their tuition fee. “What are you doing in the UK, Kaushik?” “Ah! MS! The US not the UK!” they say. They won’t tell you how many drinks they served to the customer as a bartender. They won’t tell you how many windshields they have wiped to be able to buy the flight ticket home. Their struggle is real, and their pain is genuine. Just because a parent’s uncle died of cancer, they decided to donate their kid to health services. They had the kid brainwashed from school and pushed towards medicine.

While you sit here watching TV and telling your neighbours and relatives that your son is studying ‘Doctor’ in the US, he is cleaning pukes out of bar tables! Congratulations, It’s a bartender! The destined doctor you gave birth to had to see a hard life in a place that is not home because of your little fantasy. You could have instead donated your sperm if you wanted to help people medically! Maybe give something once in a while to hospitals? No! You had to have a kid that does what you can not!

Somewhere after realising that he actually wants to become a dancer, your son has already spent half of his life satisfying your doctor-doctor fantasy. You dream of your son becoming a top surgeon, buying you a car and a luxury villa. It is not wrong to imagine such things. But why doesn’t it strike to you that your kid has the mind to have some dreams too? What if he/she is dreaming of singing on a stage? What if she wants to be a stripper? That surely is a possibility!

Have a kid, if you want a kid, or your condom broke! Your dead uncle is dead. People who want to become an engineer will become an engineer. People who want to treat your madness will become a therapist. Just because you can’t fix your flat tyre, don’t have kids and make them a mechanic.

The Difference Of Living And Leading

The Human mind is very mysterious,

With loads of emotions and thoughts;

It is always curious to learn things.

It helps to think and get elegant solutions,

But we always overthink and create complex problems.

The definition of life is a reality to be experienced,

One of the most vital things required to live is emotions;

Without emotions, life cannot be balanced.

Two of the most important emotions are happiness and sadness.

Instead of expressing sadness as an emotion, we get addicted,

When emotion becomes an addiction, it is madness.

Sadness is nothing but a situation, which didn’t go as planned,

When we feel sad, we share it with our loved ones;

Some times they get bored, that doesn’t make them bad,

You want them to listen to your tears, without expecting solutions;

But if we don’t accept the moment, none can change our mood.

In the end,

We may feel dwelling with thoughts in the calmness of night may give a sense of peace and understanding to life. The only difference between living a life and leading a life is accepting the moment. The squeaky cry of the heart may be unheard at night, but the musical sound of birds chirping in the morning will always give the energy to start everything fresh.

Annoyance of submission, halting the progression!

What are we? What is our purpose? We don’t have answers for that! But what we are trying to do is to progress in life. And what is progression if you don’t move forward? Is time linear or circle? We don’t know for sure. But what is circular is your thought of mind. What you face, you return to that, and you become that again. Your sadness, it makes you come back to it, rot in it. Because I guess that is what it is! You get victimised, and you become the perpetrator either for someone else or for yourself. First, there is a catalyst, someone or something saddens you, making you rot in your dark hole. But for the next time, when you think that you are out. You somehow will start finding your way back to that stink, by hurting yourself for finding ways to get hurt once again. I want to call it emotional masochism, and you can consider the following article as my case study, maybe.

Foreword: Sometimes, I can’t help myself becoming too objective by treating everyone around me as subjects for my little experimentations and observations. Wish, I could stop that, but that helps me be objective when I’m faced with unexpected twists of life. So you can see that I’m using the word “I” a lot, to make it personal. Because this write-up is ‘me’ and telling ‘you’ directly about the things I’ve observed.

Case of Stockholm Syndrome:

We see ourselves submitting to a lot of things; cigarettes, coffee, tea, pleasure, control and sadness. Those last two might look odd one out, but no! Looking at multiple cases and subjects, I have come to the conclusion that there are people who submit themselves and love to be in someone else’s control. They can’t be judged for not sounding logical, because they have grown fond of that oppression; they need that. They need a dictator to control, abuse and treat them as property.

I have seen many women get attracted to the ‘macho’, oppressive guys. Is it dad complex? Are they looking for someone to replace their overprotective dads? It sure is a probability! But regardless of what complex it is, few really return back to the very person who has hit them pretty bad. They also seem to get defensive when anyone tries to protect the girl from beatings. It’s almost like they are craving for that abuse. Is it not masochism? I never really thought we had so many masochists around us, but here we go, almost every 3 out of 5 women I have run into since my observation had begun were such masochists who crave to be submissive.

I was judgemental, and those words they speak always shock me. It’s not like they tell me directly, but their behaviour, it can be deduced to masochism. It is nothing but Stockholm syndrome because they seem to get a liking towards the abuser, and sometimes surprisingly miss the chokehold on their neck and spanking on the butt.

Of course, the majority of the subjects whom I have seen suffering from this syndrome, are women, there are men too. Some men want to be controlled by very leading and manipulative women. They get attracted to the woman who validates their every move. These men cannot and will never dare to do anything without their pseudo-MAMA’s approval. No matter if you try to help them drag out, they find their way back to the claws of such dictators.

Case of emotional masochism:

Now, this is a peculiar case, and I’m one of the subjects too. I can say the number of emotional masochists is a lot higher, and every 2 out of 5 humans are such. They don’t have anything, they are suffering from ‘normal-life’ syndrome. I was affected too, it is boring, and the boredom kills. We, the subjects, search for the meaning of life in different places, we find nothing, as there is nothing. But, we crave for depth, a character arc in our stories. We want our lives to not be flat and something that has a meaning, we are almost obsessed with this search. So much that we find the most comfortable way out.

Depression! No, we don’t have clinical depression, not at the beginning of course. But that is the climax of the path we head to. Somewhere in our life, we, the subjects understood that sadness can be easily achieved. In fact, it is the sadness that made us awake and coming out of it, we began this hunt for meaning. We had a purpose, some definition for ourselves when we were sad and loathing. We had reasons for being like this. We had everything to blame, and when we are not worried, there is nothing but ourselves to blame for things we do.

A friend of mine hinted to me about this ‘addiction to get depressed’. I instantly got connected to it, I know that I’m heading that way. I already had clues about myself liking the sadness. When I’m sad, I feel I had some depth. It was when I’m messy and scratching the un-groomed beard that I felt like an enlightened being. It made me feel superior to others; like no one knows what I’m going through. It was false, everyone is going through their own shit and feels the same way. I only knew that I liked to get sad until I came out of the thought.

When I was sunk in it deeply, I had the tendency to surround myself with all the tragic news, sad memories, betrayals and overthinking. It took me months to recover from this sort of emotional masochism that I had become. I still find the remnant residual waste of sad-craving ideas in my mind. It cries “the moment is here for you to get sad, go cry” once in a while. I just try to divert myself or make jokes about it because it will run away. You can be a self-loathing sadness craving person almost at every corner, few have periods of such phases once in a while, and few are always craving for sadness.

I cannot be a judge and say that this is ‘wrong’. If it gives them a purpose to live, maybe we should just let them be. But it is really annoying to be a consoling person for the guy who is emotionally masochistic. And also the guy who always tries to save people from abusive relationships. I have been both, and some people were annoyed consoling me when I was an emotional-masochist. You don’t need to stress yourself, give thoughts about them. Neither should you empathise and try to change them because they won’t. You can hunt them, but it is up to them to change. I changed because I want some other things in life. If you are one of those masochists and you feel like doing some other stuff, do change for the sake of yourselves.

The minds of those have been burdened and tired, those who have tried to protect these masochists. They must have spent sleepless nights thinking they have to save these people. This is yet another problem, the saviour complex. This is not masochism but an equally irritating super-hero syndrome. But at least, these super-saviours don’t halt progression, they boost it but at the cost of their peace of minds. One thing I want to say to both saviours and masochists is that the progress of life is what we want. Being sad, being in an abusive relationship it makes you stay in the same place for too long. Too long that you almost waste your entire life before you even realise that you can do a lot more things with your life than getting choked or walking in a dark abyss. It takes you nowhere, that path is circular, a void where the end and the beginning are just a hole. All you need to know is that there is a hole, and you can just jump back to the world. Do not take the easy way out, you can do a lot of things with your life.

Let’s talk about more submissive ideologies and phases in our next article. If you are familiar with more such humiliation-craving masochistic ideas to live, you can comment or mail us at penfluky@gmail.com.

One Last Puff

Just this one time, one more puff before I come clean;
Now, I have been saying this to myself from ages and years.
Soon the days became years and the years became aeons,
But the never-ending desire to want more remained.
The wanting of one last puff! The haunting of one more puff!

The night has come, and the people have gone to the slumber.
Lost in thoughts and utterly alone, my mind went numb.
Remembering the sad events, remembering the days I cried;
I can’t remember a shoulder I leant, except for the blurry smoke.
For it was there when I cried, it was there when I laughed.

Little did I know that it’s a venom that I ingested.
Making my emotions linked and chained to it;
I have made it my master and had become its slave.
I thought I had control and believed to be its owner.
Before I knew that the tables have turned,
I had already lost all my control! Submitted to the demon!

I have sold my soul to the smoky devil;
The devil of delusions; imagery of happiness.
I thought I’m done with it, the moment I realised.
But it still deceived me in every moment ever.
Knowing that it controls me, I had done many rebellions.
But all came to the same end by submitting to it again.

I told my friends and caretakers that I’m done with this poison.
My assurance had turned to lies, and so did gone their trust.
Hard for me to trust myself, for it is me that was deceived.
Every night I say to myself, I’m relieved of the possession;
Every day I wake up to the thoughts, one last time and again never.

From the first ‘last puff’ to the last ‘last puff’, been thousands of it;
Seen me shamelessly, deceiving myself once again, forever.
For every first puff, I hate myself, for every last puff, I crave more.
Will this loathing ever end? Will there be one true last puff?
Cannot say. Because I don’t know. Lost trust in myself forever.

I hope the last puff will remain the last one.
But I wish that someone put a chained restrain,
For I fear that I will want yet another last puff.
The smoky demon is in the air, and my brain calls it,
I wonder when comes the day when I will truly slay.
I wanna come outside and breathe fresh air,
with no thoughts of, that one last puff!

Paranoia Unlock!

It has been four months since I have seen the daylight. My skin has gone pale, and my eyes have gotten used to less light. The pandemic has taken a significant toll on me. I kept myself locked inside my bunker of a house. The doors only open when my groceries are delivered. My living room has turned into a sanitation station. I have arranged germ sprays which I used to clean the grocery bags and myself for touching them. Then I go inside, and I take a bath with some Dettol in the water. I also made my balcony a washing station, equipped with germ sprays and sanitisers too. I have my windows shut, and the sun burns me. I live on artificial D vitamin supplements and the oxygen released by my indoor plants.

I have already stopped contacting more people since Chicken Pox attacked me. The worst thing a human can do to the other is not a backstab, it is being reckless and passing on germs. What mistake did I commit? It was supposed to be a birthday party, and the guy who thought he had a fever felt that he was doing us a favour. He thought it would be cool to appear to party even being sick. He did not even consider carrying a handkerchief. He also shared cigarettes with me, who did not know his sickness until he told me at the end. What a douche! He did not just pass me an expensive cigarette it was also a rare virus that I had no immunity for. All the others already had the disease when they were young, and I never got exposed to it; hence, no antibodies.

The germs remained with me. They got on to the cigarette, I have ingested them directly into my body by puffing them in. There was a battle going inside my body, and the temperature was high in less than a week. There were blisters almost everywhere on my body; my beautiful face, my tender pecs, biceps, thighs and even on my feet. My back that recovered from my teenage acne got attacked with something bigger now. It has been two years now, and the scars remain. I’m now embarrassed to wear sleeveless tops, show off my lats and go topless. What was supposed to be a hot thing only to be soon followed by sympathising looks and cheering-ups that I don’t need. My face somehow recovered, and so did my front side of the body. But my back is still a horror show of spots that won’t fade away. The thing I’m about to say has nothing to do with all this. But this is the consequence of being reckless about a fever. The heroic act of a douche traumatised me that ended up killing my esteem. I feel like Deadpool, I guess I look like an avocado without my shirt.

So, no humans! No kisses too, I can pleasure myself; I’m self-sufficient. I have been going out but to enjoy minimal pleasures like eating outside, carnivals and festivals. But no social contacts that’s a ban from 2 years. You can video call me if you miss me a lot, that’s what I said to everyone. But these four months is a big thing. I’m a lot of road person for someone who does not prefer to meet people. I have been among these closed walls and dark rooms for so long, I became obsessive. I have compulsions about germs getting to me. My body suffering from more than just blisters is my worst nightmare. But today! What a day! What a shitty day! I’m hungry, my internet doesn’t work. I am unable to order anything. The groceries won’t come till the next day, and I ate off all the supplies. I kept drinking water, but it has been 13 hours. It feels like something is eating my insides. I have to go out—just this one time. But I’m trembling, and I don’t want contamination.

The government had removed the curfew, and I see people jumping on roads like apes as if the vaccine is here. They think their cloth masks are hazmat suits and they scratch their nose through their masks. No one is even wearing gloves. It is a garbage bin outside the door of my house. I can starve, I guess. Thinking of going out is making me anxious. It’s better to die starving than getting contaminated, I believe. But this one time, I can go out. I will be okay; I have the sanitising station. Okay!

I wore my facemask, gloves and a face shield. I set foot, and a current passed all my body. The sun was piercing through my clothes. I see people with no masks. It’s crazy, it feels like everything is filthy and germs are all around me. I should throw these clothes off, the face shield too. Damn! It is like a circus out here. People in queues, no masks, spitting on roads and I can see this dude pissing on a wall few yards far from me. My heart started pounding, and my breath grew intense. My breathing was harsh that it began to form vapour on my shield. The sound!

Oh god, horns from everywhere, people talking jumping, bouncing and scratching like apes. I turned around and round and round; it felt like nausea. I feel discomfort in my stomach. I rushed towards a place that sells breakfast. It was crowdy and scared me. The cook was sweaty, and his mask looked old and worn off. I think I’m having a panic attack! My anxiety is kicking in, and soon everything became silent. I heard no sounds and the roads were empty, and cars were too—no people around me, and It felt peaceful for a moment, but the disturbance started again. The sounds resumed but were different. I hear monkeys screeching around me. Different kinds of apes surrounded me—apes walking on roads, driving in cars, honking at each other and yelling at each other. It was apes that sold breakfast and apes that bought them too.

The boards of shops were changed. “Fresh and warm COVID-19 at 35 Rupees only” the board of breakfast read. I could not understand what was going on. I turned around to see a fast-food centre. It’s menu board read COVID-19 80 Rs, Typhoid 60 Rs, Dengue 60 Rs and so on with many diseases that are still running their course in India. One hairy ape with glasses on went to the fast-food dealing ape and asked “What is the cheap one you got?” the dealer ape said “Diarrhoea is cheapest just at 20 Rs, but only effects for three days. You can try Common flu for 25 Rs; it makes you feel like shit for a week” the ape with glasses smiled and ordered one common flu. I don’t have an option; I have to choose among one. Would I select flu? no, it weakens my immunity. “Brother pack me some Diarrhoea” I yelled. The ape packed some Poori – Korma and gave it to me. I held the packet and started moving back to home.

I had to stop because a prison bus was going and the road had jammed. I can recognise the prison bus by its colour, but there was something else written on it. As the bus neared me, it became more apparent. “Hepatitis, AIDS and Syphilis center for criminals” it read. Nothing made sense anymore. I walked back into my apartment. Something inside me couldn’t take the Diarrhoea packet inside. I just threw it in the bin. Luckily for me, I found my mobile connected to the neighbour’s WiFi. Why didn’t I think of this? I ordered some vegetables to cook myself a good meal. I entered, removed my clothes shield, mask and gloves. Threw them in the bin that was inside my apartment. I sprayed the chemicals all over my body. I tied a towel around my waist, and tied the cover of trash inside the bin, threw it out. I went in and had a good bath.

The vegetables are here, and it is time for me to cook now. I arranged everything I need to prepare, I took the veggies out and put them on the chopping pad. I jumped, looking at the worms crawling on the cabbage. I just stood there, my eyes wide shut!

The Adverse Effects Of Flamboyance.

We as humans have differentiated ourselves on countless things. There are two things that humans have which unite all of us is hope and confidence. If we are hopeful, we might not push everything on confidence, if we have confidence, we don’t need hope as we believe in ourselves. Hope is a funny thing, and it makes us think that we can do the things that we never dreamt. Humans hope that they get some attention, due to this, they try to be flamboyant (tending to attract attention because of their exuberance, confidence, and stylishness.). We make ourselves look good, show confidence, so on and so forth. But few people go to extremes, and as we know, anything extreme is never good; they suffer “Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD).” In which people seek the utmost attention, which leads to inappropriate seduction and an excessive need for approval. It is a widespread problem in the world, and informal therapy sessions show much improvement in this.

But today our topic is not about HPD. What happens when a human doesn’t get enough attention? They try to create moments to get attention which they call “attitude” without knowing the meaning of it. If you go to google.com/images and search for “attitude.” You will surely find lots of images with a girl or a guy holding a cigarette and some cliche lines. You guessed it right, today our topic is about “drug abuse”. Drug use (Which include alcohol, Cannabis, cigarettes and other illicit drugs) is, directly and indirectly, responsible for 11.8 million deaths each year. According to many studies conducted, the socio-economic class, which has the best standard of living have the highest cases of drug addicts. The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) estimates that almost half of people who are diagnosed with HPD are also diagnosed with a substance misuse disorder.

By the statistics, it is evident that those who cannot seek attention in a usual way tends to go out of the box to such an extreme level that he is ready to abuse his body physically and mentally hoping to get attention. But what is the use of such kind of attention when we are making ourselves and our loved ones depressed? If you go to a bar and ask a guy why is he drunk so much, he says I’m depressed today. People are not ready to agree that they are having mental problems before a doctor as it is shameful, but are prepared to get over-drunk in a bar and get addicted to it. Impressive, isn’t it? People are ready to forget the world by smoking Cannabis or snorting cocaine and inject Ecstasy but are not prepared to correct the problems that they should eventually live. Ironical, isn’t it?

Why do people need attention? When there is a need for approval from anyone. Why do people need approval? When they lack confidence. As I said at the start, hope is a funny thing. It makes us does things to such extreme levels that we can’t even imagine. You may say Canada has legalised Cannabis what is wrong if we smoke it in the rest of the world? When it is controlled by government people, get the pure stuff, and there will be no issues, but if you get it illegally from a local dealer, it is very dangerous. Most of them use shoe polish to make Cannabis to dry it locally. It causes systematic complications such as increased heart rate, impaired motor skills, hallucinations, paranoia, memory loss, H2S (Hydrogen Sulphide) poisoning and lung damage.

In the end, people who want to be with you will be with you no matter what. If you do things out of the box to grab attention, you may get attention. But you will end up hurting you and the people who truly love you forever.

Links for Reference:

Our World in Data on drugs: https://ourworldindata.org/drug-use

American Abused Centres on HPD on substance abuse: https://americanaddictioncenters.org/personality-disorders/histrionic