I belong to Mary garden,
The garden of beautiful roses,
Many are red, while one is white,
The red roses thought the white is special,
The white thought she didn't have the colour,
Every time we all grow a flower,
The gardener comes to take us all over,
He took many red, but didn't chose me much,
I thought I was not just upto the mark,
I grew flowers and then they die and fall,
No use of me like all the red flowers,
But fortunately, I was always treated equal,
Gardener loved me, he always kept me special,
I wanted all that red roses had,
Put in the normal ground with all the crowd,
Little did the gardener knew I was lonely,
He always thought I was charmingly lovely,
Neither he allowed anyone to touch me,
Nor he gave me that regular treatment,
For all I knew, I was just getting loner,
A few red roses loved me for my charm,
Then there were many that totally hated me,
I started growing weak with all that in me,
Mentally and physically, I was falling apart,
The gardener tried saving me,
But the poor didn't knew it all,
I am just a plant and I will die like all,
I tried to make flowers but I failed always,
Growing innocent that I will grow one day,
My little red friends also believed in me,
Always pushed me to get that extra mile,
I didn't want to disappoint anyone,
Pushed it harder to every ounce in me,
Unluckily for me, I didn't knew my power,
Either it was a boon or just a ban,
I realised I shouldn't have tried to know it,
When I didn't knew, I was "The White Rose,"
After I know it's all just a prose,
I died in the process just trying to bloom,
Now that I am dead, I can see it clear,
Dumb that I thought, I was the only white,
For now I know we are all coloured different,
Different and Beautiful, all over mesmerizing,
We all be born and die some day,
We all are treated equal and special,
You just need to see world from a different view,
Then you can fly and be out of the blue,
Wait the story isn't over! I did that too,
But how did I die, wasn't I supposed to live,
The red roses as I call them are all alive,
They all saw themselves normal and didn't reinvent,
or I was just a fool to think I could be any different
Bottom Line Is I Prefer Not To Exist.
In the imaginary race with time, I barely think about what is happening to me. If I stress I even don’t know what I’m feeling. But there some sort of disturbance or sadness that is always pumping from the bottom of my heart.
I work at a graveyard shift for a private company. My job is to take client tickets and resolve them. There will be calls of clients as well, I need to greet them with a smile and assist them accordingly. Yeah, it sucks to the bottom, but what sucks more is the way I get treated.
The clients don’t have respect for us as humans what so ever. We get to hear all kinds of cusses. I got to know them in different languages too. It is like I got used to them, I don’t like it, but that is what it is.
If the work is like this, one would expect the management would be supportive. That ship sank to the bottom way back and its the worst. The stuff they do to keep us “Productive” is bizarre.
They do a video call in the middle of the shift just to check if we are smiling while talking to clients. They are planning to plant mirrors so that we can set our looks and smile while talking.
I don’t know how to express this. They are trying to cut our genuine emotions and programming us to smile. They are trying to make us into robots from top to bottom. It feels very difficult even to breathe and survive.
It feels like a bottomless pit and I keep on falling. Personal life is no paradise either. It feels like “so-called” family members treat me like some random object that we ignore. No one asks If I smiled or had a good day or anything.
But if I talk about passion or something, they pile on me and bring me down to the ground. I also want to talk to my mother in a normal way. I also want to share information with my father like a normal child. But they seem like far fetched dreams.
Few of my friends stopped talking to me because of my bottom states. I get emotional when a huge pile of problems fall on me. Let’s face it, no one likes a whiny person right? I’m shocked and privileged I still have few people and friends that listen to me.
My phone goes empty all day. I sit alone in my room working or doing something. Some of my friends used to call me regularly the day would be way better. Now no one talks and suddenly I need to take these calls and it feels all fuzzy and weird. It’s fine everyone has their own lives and priorities.
Every time I hear that ring on the call, my heart skips a bit. Some unknown fear and pain run to the bottom of my spine and in my heart. what cusses would I need to hear today? Who will yell at me? How much I’m I going to feel sad today?
I get panicked and get very scared. It feels like someone is groping me and I sit there and allow it to happen. It hurts a lot inside and I don’t know how to express it. I’m lost for words and in a lot of pain that I cannot handle.
Why I’m I saying all this? So-called people and society say we need to work hard and we will be good. If people call this good, then I never want to be good in life. This sucks to the core, it is a huge pile of shit, where I survive daily on my tears.
You kill all of our curiosity we have as a child and try to rub your hypothetical success goals on us. Why should someone do a job and laugh and be fake and do a naked dance in this bottomless hole?Why cannot a person be the way he wants to live?
If we question all this we are being rude and don’t know anything in life. If doing what we love is rude and smiling is ignorance about life, then fine I’m happy to be ignorantly rude. But we can’t right, all kinds of crap come up if we open and talk.
The bottom line is I prefer if I don’t exist. I’m running an imaginary race that I never signed up for. I don’t know for how long but the longer I keep running to the bottom I keep sinking.
Note: This is from our beloved friends John’s diary.
Night Life, Expression Of Countless Tears.
When the time passes towards the night,
It is time to set everything straight.
It is time to log in and work,
Time to put on a fake smirk.
I have to speak to clients on the phone.
Treating their problems as my own.
It feels like the night is pulling me to oblivion,
Sometimes it all feels like an illusion.
I feel like a night owl that doesn’t know other sounds,
It feels like I’m lost in a gigantic abyss.
I can’t even cry about it as I need to speak,
My heart inside me always has that sad squeak.
I cannot keep these emotions no matter how much I try,
Sometimes in the night, I want to hug someone and cry.
Every night I work it makes me more depressed,
I have lost interest in things that make me excited.
Mentally, I’m dead and physically tired,
Trying to keep it together, emotionally I’m drained.
Efficacy In Existence, A True Endeavour.
On a Saturday evening, I completed my work and scrolling through my social media. Liking memes and just passing the time. A rare moment where the efficacy of my sadness it not taking over. After some time, there was a chime on the phone.
It is my friend Charvi. She is one of the good buddies I have, and we talk regularly and a lot of stuff. If I feel low or want to share something, I’m pretty sure that her inbox is always open. The text says she has something important to talk and come to Instagram. I opened it, and here is how the conversation goes.
Charvi: Hey. Hi, listen, I have something important to say.
Me: Yes, madame, at your service!
Charvi: Hahaha, okay this is important, listen carefully.
Me: You robbed a bank, and now the police are chasing you?
Charvi: Yeah, I even got a cure for stupidity, but sadly its efficacy is only on humans. Sorry, can’t fix you. Now shut up and listen.
Me: Lol, okay, go ahead.
Charvi: Okay, so my parents are findings options for me to marry. I don’t know that guy. I’m a bit nervous, and I don’t want to marry now. I want to stand up for myself, fulfil my dreams and then think of marriage. What to do?
Me: Okay, I understand what position you are in right now. Marriage is must be mutual between two people. If you are not comfortable, tell them that you are not. If you have dreams, you must chase them.
Charvi: Yeah, I wish it is that easy. Me going to my parents and saying I want to chase dreams and don’t want to marry. Would they listen to me?
Me: It is better to sit and talk before taking an important decision in your life. If you decide to marry, the person coming to your life will be with you for at least the next 40 years. So, think and talk in all the ways possible.
Charvi: Yeah, I will gather up the courage to talk to them. Gosh! I wish this were easy. Why don’t we have ideal efficacy everywhere in life? If I don’t marry, I will make my parents unhappy. Why should it be like this?
Me: Well, to be honest, we humans created these boundaries. We feel to care for loved ones’ decision because we give value to them in our life. It varies from person to person. I’m sure you will come up with a way to convince your parents and follow your dreams.
Charvi: Easy for you to say! You always have people who care for you. You always tell stories about your friends and how they care for you. I feel jealous sometimes on you and want to be in your shoes.
Me: Lol, to be very honest, those days were gone. The error is on both sides. I stopped sharing the incidents that are happening, and ears who used to listen have stopped hearing. Now those eyes hate me and that ears don’t search for my voice.
Charvi: Oh, shut up! You make this shit up in your brain. Your friends love you, and I have seen Instagram stories and stuff. Stop creating scenarios for yourself and be what you are. People who care for you love you.
Me: Well, to be brutally honest “no”. People who used to care for me don’t do that anymore. I cared for them even if they got a papercut. I used to ask how they were and used to talk. Recently I literally posted a suicide note article on my social media. No one gave a “fuck.”
Not only that I posted a lot of sad stuff, and I even posted that I was depressed. No one batted an eye, and I even went through some tests medically. They knew this and didn’t bother to ask what happened. These are the same people who said, “We are there” “we will talk to you no matter what.”
Charvi: Oh my god! What happened? Are you okay?
Me: There is nothing new, the usual family issues. Adding to that, even my organisation hated me, to which, I was most loyal started hating me. I made a few mistakes, told apologies in all the ways possible. It hurts when you feel like you annoy the person who you respect you the most.
Charvi: Oh, gosh! You must be devastated! I’m so sorry. How are you now? I’m sure you hate those people now.
Me: I’m okay, I guess, and I don’t hate them to be very honest. If I know they are having problems; I will message the same way and find out if everything is okay. It is not that I’m good or bad; it is just the way I’m.
I respect those people without any tags and will continue to do so no matter what. The feelings I have for those people are not under business terms. It is under care, trust and love. That is the real efficacy of a relation.
Charvi: I wish I were not busy these days! I wish I would have talked to you. It’s okay; it is not too late. I’m here for you.
Me: Thanks for that, I know you are always there. Everyone says people should be self-sufficient, self-dependent and stuff. But I tell people should have to be able to self-hold themselves. When there is no one to hold your hand, you must be able to hold yourself and move ahead.
On the other hand, when I expressed these th0ughts through my writings they called me I was craving attention. I’m being a drama queen on this. I didn’t know this attracted attention until I read from their shoes. I was just expressing my emotions.
Yes it hurts, and it’s depressing but, if no one is ready to be with you or left you for any reason, you must be able to love and live with you. Even if you remove all the people and relations in your life, you exist, and that is a fact. This is what I believe the real efficacy of life.
Friends Who Made Best Memories Became A Memory.
From childhood, I have a dream of having best friends,
A relationship very awesome, and that never ends.
we would meet and have much fun together,
We would always watch out for each other.
Finally, One day I got excellent friends,
That is the end of my sorrows.
We used to always talk something,
We had no secret and shared everything.
I was happy and having the best time,
It was like watching the beautiful sunshine.
We used to have different conversations,
We are getting to know each other spaces.
One day, my friends left me because of a misunderstanding,
By that sight, I see my worlds inside my disbanding.
I couldn’t take what was happening,
The world to me is shattering.
I tried all the ways of apologising,
The pain in me started agonising.
Worst part of losing best friends is that you can’t tell them about it,
The pain in my heart is unbearable and has a different kind of hit.
I tried to message my friends on social media,
I went to type a message, but I had no idea.
Days passed by, and they started to forget me,
Without me, they are delighted clearly.
We are now not friends, nor enemies,
Just strangers with some memories.
Some tears are silent because we are too scared to cry out loud,
I have shared everything with them; all I got is a sadness cloud.
To my best friend, I love you no matter what happens,
If you could understand and forgive me, that is my happiness.
You were with me; I used to love me more,
Now you are not there; I don’t think I will like me anymore.
If you are happy without me, I’m ready to suffer,
I will bear the sadness, no matter how tougher.
Lone Wolf Philosophy: True Tenacity To The Pack
In the world of philosophy, there are concepts for each and everything. It is not silly; philosophy covers every small thing and helps us to think on a broader scale. You might have heard several times about the term “Lone Wolf.” There is a profound philosophy behind this.
Lone Wolf philosophy comes from the wolves which are away from the pack. They generally spend time alone instead of the group. A human lone wolf is a person who acts freely and likes to do everything on their own, favours solitude, expresses introversion, or works alone.
Lone Wolf theory asks for direct knowledge of the world. A predator charges in and destroys a community. Then a Lone Wolf takes control, drains the swamp, and returns things to a previous point of balance. You can compare this to the feelings rush in mind. After the rush, you sit alone and sort everything and go back to normality.
This is the trait of Lone Wolf personality. If we give a deep thought, we all have this personality. When everything goes out of the way, we prefer to sit down, be alone, sort the things and move on. Even after sorting things, we like to be alone or few people to find peace and eventually meet others.
Some exhibit this personality on a larger scale in their daily activities. They even embed this into their character and always tend to be alone. It can happen due to various reasons. They may have trust issues, family issues, some trauma, or it may be anything related to their personal life.
If we study the personality in deep, the Lone Wolves are very hard working. As they prefer to work alone, they work for longer times to complete the tasks. They also make mistakes and will be very quick to correct as they do not like to depend on others.
The research skills are excellent as the dependency is very minimal. Lone Wolves thrive on data and extract information very well. Countering to that, as the dependence on others is very minimal, the work might be slow. But the information will be elaborate and covers all the angles.
Lone Wolves are also excellent friends and listeners. They will only have a handful of people to whom they talk to, but they genuinely love and respect them. This is because they see people as people and not use them for needs. No matter what happens, they respect them and treat them with love.
Lone Wolves are also excellent team members. As their dedication is sublime, they tend to learn everything and be on top. Not because they want to, but because to avoid interactions. On the counter, as they are not expressive, they may not give correct opinions on ideas that are put forward.
There are not only positives but also negatives. They significantly overthink any situation. Due to this, they imagine scenarios that don’t happen and go the extremity of it. As they don’t talk much, they lack expression and couldn’t speak out on their perceptions or opinions.
As they remain isolated or prefers being alone, they are more susceptible to depression. They are also sensitive towards various health conditions like trauma, insomnia, bipolar disorder and even worse schizophrenia. Mental health conditions mainly affect them due to lack of expression.
This is the basic understanding of the Lone Wolf philosophy and how humans express it by their personality.