Tag: cry

Outburst Of Emotions and Uncontrollable Tears.

I would always hear people saying phrases like “outburst of emotions”, “unable to control emotions” so on and so forth. I thought this is silly and boy was I wrong!

It is the spring season in 1996, I was born to a couple in a small town. Both of my parents suffered from substance abuse. They would do anything to get drugs in their hand.

They sold almost everything in the house to get that high. We didn’t even have food to eat once a day. I used to lick the plates, my competitors would usually be roaches.

I got habituated to such life. My parents forced me to beg for food. I used to wander the streets begging for food. The food I got by begging is usually stolen by my parents.

Even then I had no outburst of emotions. It might be the environment I grew up in, but I didn’t feel something was wrong. I have always had this passion to study in life.

Years passed and I’m now 6 years old. My parents sold the house as they had many debts around the town. They cleared the debts and we moved to a rented home.

I thought they will finally give up on drugs and we would have a happy life. How stupid of me to think like that? Few days passed and my parents started taking drugs again.

After few days, we are out of money completely and my begging is not enough to support them. My parents did what any abuser would do. They sold me in human trafficking.

They told me that I need not beg, I can play with other kids and have a good time and I was glad to hear that. Some guys came and took me away from my parents.

I felt a bit bad no outburst of emotions, I knew I was gonna miss my parents. After ten to fifteen minutes, I stopped feeling sad. They took me to a huge house.

I entered the house and saw many of the people there around my age. There are girls, boys everyone just walking around the house. One individual came down the stairs and saw me.

This individual looked me in the eyes and sighed to take me in. They took me into a room and said this is where I will stay. They have also asked me not to lock the door from inside.

An hour passed by, and some guy came into the room. He is not walking in a straight line and is smelling very bad. He saw me, gave an evil smile and started walking towards me.

I was scared and starting walking back. This guy came rushing and caught me and thrown me into the bed. He fell on me and started tearing my clothes.

I started screaming and it looks like no ears can hear my cry. He has torn all my clothes and he started removing his clothes. I tried to run away, but he slapped me.

The slap was so hard that I fell on the ground unconscious. I woke up after some time and I see that the guy who did this to me is sleeping right next to me.

I have no clothes on my body and I’m bleeding below my waist. The pain is unbearable and I’m not feeling my legs. I’m trying very hard to move away from this monster.

At this point, I still don’t have an outburst of emotions, but tears were rolling out. At the age where a child cant even identify an emotion, I experienced the most realistic sadness.

This happened to me for the next 12 years. All of us in this building are raped or abused at least twice a day. After 12 years of abuse, we finally managed to escape that hell.

Government of the state ordered to search the house for any illegal activity. They searched and found this and arrested all of them. We are released and asked to live a good life.

In these twelve years, I have got some contacts. A man promised to give me a job if I managed to escape this hell. I went to meet him and he fulfilled his promise.

He gave me a job and I need to find a location to stay. I found a local listing that said roommate needed and I called the number and they have asked to come and visit the house.

I went to visit the house and the location is delightful and I knocked on the door and an individual opened the door. They greeted me very warmly and showed me the house.

I liked the house and decided to take it. I decided to move on the next Sunday and I informed the same. They agreed and took my details. The rent is also very affordable.

I moved into the house, the individual prepared lunch for me. I moved my items into the room and sat down for lunch. We had a conversation and here is how it went.

Me: Thanks for lunch, may I know your name?

Them: No problem at all, of course, you can, it is Alex.

Me: Nice name and the food is delicious.

Alex: Thank you! I even have cheesecake as a dessert, let me get it.

This feels different as I never experienced this kind of care from anyone and had different feelings running in my mind, not an outburst of emotions but it feels good to see this change in me.

I unboxed everything and organised my room. We had a lovely dinner at night and went to bed. Everything that happened with me just played in front of my eyes.

I couldn’t control my tears and wept very badly. After some time, I went to sleep. I woke up the next day, made some coffee, got ready and started to the office.

I came home for lunch and Alex has already made lunch. We sat down for lunch and started talking.

Alex: So how was your day?

Me:  It is good, I like my new job.

Alex: Glad to hear that! Hey, can I ask you something?

Me: Sure, what’s up?

Alex: Did you cry last night?

I was in shock, on how could Alex know. I set my tone and in a low voice, I said.

Me: N….no.

Alex: But the sheets are wet and wet sheets don’t lie.

They came near me, took my hand and said.

Alex: Just tell me what happened, I’m here to listen.

I couldn’t control my tears or outburst of emotions. I hugged Alex and told them everything. That felt very good. If this is how an outburst of emotions feels, I would have done this long ago.

Bottom Line Is I Prefer Not To Exist.

In the imaginary race with time, I barely think about what is happening to me. If I stress I even don’t know what I’m feeling. But there some sort of disturbance or sadness that is always pumping from the bottom of my heart.

I work at a graveyard shift for a private company. My job is to take client tickets and resolve them. There will be calls of clients as well, I need to greet them with a smile and assist them accordingly. Yeah, it sucks to the bottom, but what sucks more is the way I get treated.

The clients don’t have respect for us as humans what so ever. We get to hear all kinds of cusses. I got to know them in different languages too. It is like I got used to them, I don’t like it, but that is what it is.

If the work is like this, one would expect the management would be supportive. That ship sank to the bottom way back and its the worst. The stuff they do to keep us “Productive” is bizarre.

They do a video call in the middle of the shift just to check if we are smiling while talking to clients. They are planning to plant mirrors so that we can set our looks and smile while talking.

I don’t know how to express this. They are trying to cut our genuine emotions and programming us to smile. They are trying to make us into robots from top to bottom. It feels very difficult even to breathe and survive.

It feels like a bottomless pit and I keep on falling. Personal life is no paradise either. It feels like “so-called” family members treat me like some random object that we ignore. No one asks If I smiled or had a good day or anything.

But if I talk about passion or something, they pile on me and bring me down to the ground. I also want to talk to my mother in a normal way. I also want to share information with my father like a normal child. But they seem like far fetched dreams.

Few of my friends stopped talking to me because of my bottom states. I get emotional when a huge pile of problems fall on me. Let’s face it, no one likes a whiny person right? I’m shocked and privileged I still have few people and friends that listen to me.

My phone goes empty all day. I sit alone in my room working or doing something. Some of my friends used to call me regularly the day would be way better. Now no one talks and suddenly I need to take these calls and it feels all fuzzy and weird. It’s fine everyone has their own lives and priorities.

Every time I hear that ring on the call, my heart skips a bit. Some unknown fear and pain run to the bottom of my spine and in my heart. what cusses would I need to hear today? Who will yell at me? How much I’m I going to feel sad today?

I get panicked and get very scared. It feels like someone is groping me and I sit there and allow it to happen. It hurts a lot inside and I don’t know how to express it. I’m lost for words and in a lot of pain that I cannot handle.

Why I’m I saying all this? So-called people and society say we need to work hard and we will be good. If people call this good, then I never want to be good in life. This sucks to the core, it is a huge pile of shit, where I survive daily on my tears.

You kill all of our curiosity we have as a child and try to rub your hypothetical success goals on us. Why should someone do a job and laugh and be fake and do a naked dance in this bottomless hole?Why cannot a person be the way he wants to live?

If we question all this we are being rude and don’t know anything in life. If doing what we love is rude and smiling is ignorance about life, then fine I’m happy to be ignorantly rude. But we can’t right, all kinds of crap come up if we open and talk.

The bottom line is I prefer if I don’t exist. I’m running an imaginary race that I never signed up for. I don’t know for how long but the longer I keep running to the bottom I keep sinking.

Note: This is from our beloved friends John’s diary.