A Bittersweet Heart

Alarm rang at 12:00 AM I woke up and saw myself in the mirror curiously. For my disappointment, I don’t see any difference at all. I look the same as ever. Why does everyone make a big deal when they turn 18 then? I don’t get the hype. Tears started flowing like there was some leakage in my eyes. I cursed myself and tried to stop them but only vain.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun right? Then why do I feel terrible? I don’t know what it is…. but I do know something sucks! I took out my diary and started writing with a heavy heart. And I have to let this unknown misery off my chest. As I started to remember my shitty life, the letters in my diary felt as if I was giving my nightmares shape and I went on and on…..

To my past self,

It’s your 18th birthday today. Because of you, I feel like everything sucks so I want to confront you now.

What sucks is to be not aware of your own trauma. When you come to realize what is actually happening to you it becomes too late whether it’s you being a kid and wondering “idk why I cry when that uncle comes near me” or your 15 year old wondering “maybe I am just in a sad phase it will go away.”

What sucks is trying to see the bright side in every situation whether it is “I don’t have lunch to eat but at least I get to drink cold water in school” or “what if I don’t have normal life like my age people, at least I can watch whatever movie or read whatever book I want and think myself as the protagonist and can live different cool lives.”

What sucks is being in denial whether it’s “I don’t think I am angry at anyone. I think I am hurt. I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby” or “I don’t think I am depressed I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby”

What sucks is being too self-aware. What sucks is taking yourself for granted, what sucks is putting others first in the fear of loneliness while still being lonely.

And what also sucks is in all of this different shit is the common outcome; your suffering.

You thought you are mature, kind and good but you are an immature monster who wasn’t kind to yourself, you didn’t stand up for yourself whenever you needed.

You couldn’t understand the difference between:

Kindness and coward-ness

Denial and positive attitude

Bearing and ignorance

You failed to see the thin line between them.

What sucks is you blaming shit on life and beautifully lying “life sucks” in the desperate need of self-pity and covering the truth in fact you, who suck at life. What sucks is you for being physically and mentally abusive to yourself.

When did you genuinely have yourself a kind smile? When did you tell yourself after sucking at something so many times “it’s OK there is always next time” when you needed to hear it so bad? And when didn’t you hit yourself or scar yourself every time you got anxious to make it stop in fact low-key you knew all you needed is one hug and a bit of kindness? How could you hate yourself this much?

Now look at you, at your breaking point. Weak af physically, mentally, emotionally.

No clue what to do with this body. self-punish every day and night with all kinds of health issues. Well deserved.

But I can’t deny the fact that you are me. So as a birthday gift, I am forgiving myself. I will try to be kind to myself, I will try to learn saying no, I will try to stand up for myself, I will try not to hesitate asking for help, I will try not to push people away, I will try to go easy on myself, I will smile at myself, I will try to adore myself, I won’t be abusive to myself and most importantly from this moment I will try to be proud of myself whenever I take a baby step.

   With love and smile~ your 18 years old self.

With that I made peace and closed my diary. Now I looked at myself in the mirror again. Fuck I still look as shitty as ever but I don’t feel shitty anymore. Guess that’s the difference I was looking for. I better dress up tomorrow and treat myself to a meal. It’s my 18th birthday after all. With a light heart and stupid smile I fell asleep.

That asshole activist!

The world goes on, the world moves as it is. If there is a change that happens that destroys the order in the world, the world destroys it. If it survives, adapts and changes, the world changes, and the order changes. It recurs and some activists fight for the unfair things in the world and the world again fights the activist to remain as it is.

It is the activist that is bothered with the unfair things in the world. And this unfair thing begins personally, it is unfair to the activist first and then they begin to realise there are other people like them who find these things unfair too. It is only then it becomes an activity. The activist carries the guilt of the world, but the world doesn’t carry their guilt. For the world they are just another speck of dust making unnecessary sounds and destroying the order for some logic that has never occurred to anybody.

The origin

Veeru, like all these activists, decided to fight for something he found unfair. It all started with a glass of milk. He was 17 then and he woke up to the cold chills of winter. Hyderabad is funny, the temperature during nights and early mornings are single digits but the afternoons burn your skin. 

He woke up feeling a chill in his bones, he wanted to drink something warm. He checked his fridge and found a packet of milk. And he poured it into a vessel and started heating it. As he poured the hot milk into his cup, a thought occurred to his brain. “What is this liquid?” he thought. This liquid which I drink, which I crave to make some chai tea. Without it the tea tastes bad.

He instantly remembers a chapter in his school. “Cow gives us milk” and he told himself that milk is necessary. An essential need of humans. But again “What does this milk give me?”, “Oh! It gives me calcium. So, humans need milk for a lifetime” he sat on his couch sipped some hot milk. He recalled his brother drinking milk from his mother. “Kids need milk” he thought. “Kids need mother’s milk” he corrected himself. He switched his TV on and put National geographic.

There is some documentary about cubs of different cats. “Cats need milk, beings need milk” eh thought as he saw kittens sucking milk from their mother. He clicked next and there’s some another channel of leopards mating. “I have never seen an adult cat drinking milk” he thought. This thought remained and disturbed him for some time. All this time of thinking, he never sipped the milk. “It is a cow tit enzyme” he though. And he couldn’t sip the milk another time. In fact, he felt nauseous and almost puked the milk he drank. “It is weird” he stood up poured the milk back into the vessel.

The Problem

He went out for a walk to divert himself from this disturbing thought of himself sucking milk from a cow. “The grass the cow eats that allows the cow to produce the milk that it produces for its calf. Why am I even drinking it?” he thought. He turned around as a bus honked and his eyes went upon a big billboard. That board has a big poster of a cow smiling while holding a packet milk. “My fresh milk, just for you” the board read. It made him nauseous again.

“If a human ever said that sentence, it would look like a weird fetish” he thought. He could smell cow dung. He looked around and he saw a shelter where there are buffaloes tied up. It was 5 in the morning and a man came holding a tin from the shelter. He sat down and started milking the cow. Veeru looked around and saw a calf looking at all the milk being poured into a tin. “It surely is hungry” he thought. After the man collected enough milk, he let the calf suck remaining milk.

Veeru couldn’t control his urge and went up to the milk man. “The calf looks male” Veeru shouts to the milk man. “Yeah it is” milk man replied while pouring the milk into small tins. “Well, what do you do with it? I mean, it doesn’t give milk” Veeru asks. Milk man smiled and said “We sell it to the dealers, they either sell it to farmers or sell it to the beef factories” he said. Veeru looks at the calf drinking milk from its mother that’s tied to a pole.

The unfair

“It’s unfair” Veeru whispers. “What?” the milk man asked and Veeru turned around and started walking towards his home. “Do we even need milk? Or is it because of these farming industries promoting us to drink milk? No animal drinks milk after growing up. We are animals, right? We are drinking milk for its taste! Not for the need. It is not essential. It is a corporate propaganda for all these people to live by selling milk. But if we understood that we don’t need milk, will we buy milk? It is everyone that is brainwashed and addicted to milk. They told us that it is essential! And now we buy it from them. It is their livelihood”

Veeru stares blankly at the stairs without getting up to his home. “It is us who are paying these people to tie cows, buffaloes, and steal its baby’s food because of the common delusion that we all need milk”. Veeru felt like he found out something big. He was happy that he understood something out of the world; found something unfair to him. He understood that it is unfair anywhere in the world. He set foot on the stairs going above to his floor. And while climbing up these stairs, Veeru knew that he is going to fight for it; that he is going to gather more activists.

Hence the activist!

 He decided to take all the guilt of human race to fight against this common unfairness; wanted to save humanity from the burden of mistreating and stealing the calf’s food. He decided to be an activist. And he wanted to find more people who consider themselves an activist, and just go for it! But the world is already in a structural format of drinking milk. It is an order of the world now. Will the world adapt to Veeru? Will the world take up on his guilt the way he took everyone’s? Or will Veeru remain the speck of dust while we sip milk and kill cows?