#depression – Penfluky

Bottom Line Is I Prefer Not To Exist.

In the imaginary race with time, I barely think about what is happening to me. If I stress I even don’t know what I’m feeling. But there some sort of disturbance or sadness that is always pumping from the bottom of my heart.

I work at a graveyard shift for a private company. My job is to take client tickets and resolve them. There will be calls of clients as well, I need to greet them with a smile and assist them accordingly. Yeah, it sucks to the bottom, but what sucks more is the way I get treated.

The clients don’t have respect for us as humans what so ever. We get to hear all kinds of cusses. I got to know them in different languages too. It is like I got used to them, I don’t like it, but that is what it is.

If the work is like this, one would expect the management would be supportive. That ship sank to the bottom way back and its the worst. The stuff they do to keep us “Productive” is bizarre.

They do a video call in the middle of the shift just to check if we are smiling while talking to clients. They are planning to plant mirrors so that we can set our looks and smile while talking.

I don’t know how to express this. They are trying to cut our genuine emotions and programming us to smile. They are trying to make us into robots from top to bottom. It feels very difficult even to breathe and survive.

It feels like a bottomless pit and I keep on falling. Personal life is no paradise either. It feels like “so-called” family members treat me like some random object that we ignore. No one asks If I smiled or had a good day or anything.

But if I talk about passion or something, they pile on me and bring me down to the ground. I also want to talk to my mother in a normal way. I also want to share information with my father like a normal child. But they seem like far fetched dreams.

Few of my friends stopped talking to me because of my bottom states. I get emotional when a huge pile of problems fall on me. Let’s face it, no one likes a whiny person right? I’m shocked and privileged I still have few people and friends that listen to me.

My phone goes empty all day. I sit alone in my room working or doing something. Some of my friends used to call me regularly the day would be way better. Now no one talks and suddenly I need to take these calls and it feels all fuzzy and weird. It’s fine everyone has their own lives and priorities.

Every time I hear that ring on the call, my heart skips a bit. Some unknown fear and pain run to the bottom of my spine and in my heart. what cusses would I need to hear today? Who will yell at me? How much I’m I going to feel sad today?

I get panicked and get very scared. It feels like someone is groping me and I sit there and allow it to happen. It hurts a lot inside and I don’t know how to express it. I’m lost for words and in a lot of pain that I cannot handle.

Why I’m I saying all this? So-called people and society say we need to work hard and we will be good. If people call this good, then I never want to be good in life. This sucks to the core, it is a huge pile of shit, where I survive daily on my tears.

You kill all of our curiosity we have as a child and try to rub your hypothetical success goals on us. Why should someone do a job and laugh and be fake and do a naked dance in this bottomless hole?Why cannot a person be the way he wants to live?

If we question all this we are being rude and don’t know anything in life. If doing what we love is rude and smiling is ignorance about life, then fine I’m happy to be ignorantly rude. But we can’t right, all kinds of crap come up if we open and talk.

The bottom line is I prefer if I don’t exist. I’m running an imaginary race that I never signed up for. I don’t know for how long but the longer I keep running to the bottom I keep sinking.

Note: This is from our beloved friends John’s diary.

The Pragmatic Suicide Note.

It is past 3:00 AM, and John is sitting on his chair and is thinking something very deeply. He takes the last sip of the energy drink and throws the can away. That is the day John decided to end things for him; he planned his suicide. As his family has different health issues, there were all kinds of drugs in his house. He picks a bunch of them puts in front of him and decides to end it.

Before that, he decides to write a suicide note explaining why he is ending it. He searches for a pen and paper and gets them. He thinks on what to write, and many thoughts are bouncing over his head. He gets confused and gets emotional. After some time, he gathers himself and decides to write. As it has been days since John wrote something using a pen, he fumbled a bit at the beginning and continues.

“Hey, so I decided to end things,
Day by day, life made no sense.
It has been a journey of 23 years,
I have nothing left but tears.”

There is a chill down his spine, and he falls back on the chair and wipes the tears. He sits there, holding his head for some time. He then gathers himself together, holds the pen again and continues.

“The past few days were like living in a pressure cooker,
Each and every moment of it made me sicker.
Every single day felt like a dog chewed bone,
By thinking it, I had my brain blown.”

A tear rolls down the cheek of John; he wipes it and pauses for a moment. He then gains a bit of confidence and continues.

“I know life is not a bed of roses,
There will be happiness and sadness.
My life has nothing but a colossal sorrow,
By thinking of it every moment I felt hollow.”

John couldn’t hold his emotion now; he stops for a moment and starts weeping. After some time, he holds the pen and continues.

“There were people who would listen to my sadness,
But I don’t want to tell them and disturb their peace.
Any sane mind will lose it if this is heard,
They would feel terrible, and tears would shred.”

John holds for a bit and thinks of his friends and the moments he shared with them when he was feeling low. After a long pause, he continues.

” I got many suggestions when I shared a few, yep,
But did I follow them and try making my situation better? Nope.
I always thought they want to stay and or go away from me,
But I never shared a few laughs or happiness and invited them to thee.”

By this, John gets a ray of hope. He takes the note and keeps it safely in his closet. He Puts the medicines back and goes back to bed, hoping it would be different and goes to sleep. Let’s hope the same for John.

Understanding A life past trauma and depression.

The year 2020 hit us all by surprise for all the wrong reasons. There is a lot of awareness that is spreading in the world, especially on mental health. This is a very good move considering most of us are staying home and socially not active. It is important that we spread this awareness and help each other out.

There are few norms that generally say it is a bit tough to identify a person suffering from initial stages of depression or trauma, which is right to some extent. The people suffering from depression, anxiety, trauma or any mental health issue communicate very less compared to others and it is tough to understand what is going on with them. So how can we identify these people and try helping them? Let us find out.

To be very honest with you all, I’m not a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist, but I have seen a person very closely suffering from this. As a student of science, I have researched a lot, read a lot of books to help that person. Now I’m sharing the same with you so that you can help anyone in need and try bringing them out of the darkness and show the colors of life.

Before that, I’ll narrate the person’s story to you so that we can debunk it and understand the same. They are a friend of mine and here is the story. To make it easy let us name them John. John is a very active kid and is always fond of paintings. They used to use all types of colours and paint very unique portraits. In 5th grade, they also won a prize for painting.

John is also fond of science. In 7th grade, John did a project on Earth’s ozone layer and won the third price in school. John mind is very active and is always searching for something. Little did john knew that he is about to get trauma in his life. John didn’t write science notes for 2 months in his 6th grade. His teacher made all the class of the boys hit John on the cheeks. Trust me guys this is a real story.

More than the physical pain it was hit on Johns mental health, it first led to embarrassment and then shame. After this, no one in class really talked to John, he was alone and didn’t express much. In 8th grade, a new student in the middle of the year joined John’s class. Let us name them Robert. Robert is a very fat kid and everyone used to bully him. People used to bully John as well so both Robert and John became friends.

You might think wow finally they got each others company now everything must be good, but life is a bitch isn’t it? Robert and John used to hang out all the time and became good buddies. John is always fond of LED lights. He said the same to Robert. Robert one day invited John saying he glued batteries to an old unused glue bottle and connected them to LED’s and made a small light.

John has no idea what is happening with him, he is moving his legs and trying to escape but as Robert is very huge, John is unable to move past him. Robert sat on John and started slapping him. Robert tore down the pants of John and tried inserting his private part in John’s mouth. As it was not successful, Robert slapped him, bet him to pulp and tried raping him.

John somehow tried kicking Robert but was unsuccessful, he somehow managed to punch Robert on the face, kicked him and got out of there. He went home and cried for 3 hours. Then the after-effects of that trauma are what changed his life forever. After this John barely talked to anyone. He developed fears, nightmares, sleeplessness, weight loss, depression and many other things. His social life became a null set.

John now avoids people, communicating with strangers, social gatherings, apologises very frequently, sleeplessness, has very less social connections, don’t want to lose people, has very low self-esteem, he always turns back to check if anyone is attacking him, always checks his watch for the time, cries for every two nights, always fails to express his thoughts and many more psychological implications.

There are other implications such as feeling very emotional for a sad event or news, mood swings, sitting idle for hours, overthinking of scenarios that don’t happen and few others. According to science, this condition is PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder). General symptoms include intrusion, avoidance, alterations in cognition and mood, alterations in arousal and reactivity.

People who suffer from PTSD get misunderstood as they don’t express themselves properly, they are mocked, bashed and even ignored when they are stating an opinion. So what can be done to help people like john if they are around you? To help people like John, we must know how to find people like John.

If your loved one suffering from the above symptoms for a longer duration of time, there is a high chance that the person is suffering from depression or trauma. Mind you sadness is different from depression, sadness will last for few days and the person will rebound to his normal day to day activities a person in depression will suffer for long periods of time and shows above symptoms.

Studies show that depression or trauma spotted early can be cured very efficiently. So if you see anyone around you sad or isolating themselves for a long time, talk to them and seek medical care if needed. In the times like this where people are claustrophobic, let us keep an eye on our loved ones and keep a virtual connection, by a message or a call. By this, we can try spotting them at the early stages, and we can keep them safe and secure.

Links For Reference:
Common reactions to sexual assault: https://www.loyola.edu/department/counseling-center/services/students/concerns/sexual-assault/reactions

PTSD: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd

Annoyance of submission, halting the progression!

What are we? What is our purpose? We don’t have answers for that! But what we are trying to do is to progress in life. And what is progression if you don’t move forward? Is time linear or circle? We don’t know for sure. But what is circular is your thought of mind. What you face, you return to that, and you become that again. Your sadness, it makes you come back to it, rot in it. Because I guess that is what it is! You get victimised, and you become the perpetrator either for someone else or for yourself. First, there is a catalyst, someone or something saddens you, making you rot in your dark hole. But for the next time, when you think that you are out. You somehow will start finding your way back to that stink, by hurting yourself for finding ways to get hurt once again. I want to call it emotional masochism, and you can consider the following article as my case study, maybe.

Foreword: Sometimes, I can’t help myself becoming too objective by treating everyone around me as subjects for my little experimentations and observations. Wish, I could stop that, but that helps me be objective when I’m faced with unexpected twists of life. So you can see that I’m using the word “I” a lot, to make it personal. Because this write-up is ‘me’ and telling ‘you’ directly about the things I’ve observed.

Case of Stockholm Syndrome:

We see ourselves submitting to a lot of things; cigarettes, coffee, tea, pleasure, control and sadness. Those last two might look odd one out, but no! Looking at multiple cases and subjects, I have come to the conclusion that there are people who submit themselves and love to be in someone else’s control. They can’t be judged for not sounding logical, because they have grown fond of that oppression; they need that. They need a dictator to control, abuse and treat them as property.

I have seen many women get attracted to the ‘macho’, oppressive guys. Is it dad complex? Are they looking for someone to replace their overprotective dads? It sure is a probability! But regardless of what complex it is, few really return back to the very person who has hit them pretty bad. They also seem to get defensive when anyone tries to protect the girl from beatings. It’s almost like they are craving for that abuse. Is it not masochism? I never really thought we had so many masochists around us, but here we go, almost every 3 out of 5 women I have run into since my observation had begun were such masochists who crave to be submissive.

I was judgemental, and those words they speak always shock me. It’s not like they tell me directly, but their behaviour, it can be deduced to masochism. It is nothing but Stockholm syndrome because they seem to get a liking towards the abuser, and sometimes surprisingly miss the chokehold on their neck and spanking on the butt.

Of course, the majority of the subjects whom I have seen suffering from this syndrome, are women, there are men too. Some men want to be controlled by very leading and manipulative women. They get attracted to the woman who validates their every move. These men cannot and will never dare to do anything without their pseudo-MAMA’s approval. No matter if you try to help them drag out, they find their way back to the claws of such dictators.

Case of emotional masochism:

Now, this is a peculiar case, and I’m one of the subjects too. I can say the number of emotional masochists is a lot higher, and every 2 out of 5 humans are such. They don’t have anything, they are suffering from ‘normal-life’ syndrome. I was affected too, it is boring, and the boredom kills. We, the subjects, search for the meaning of life in different places, we find nothing, as there is nothing. But, we crave for depth, a character arc in our stories. We want our lives to not be flat and something that has a meaning, we are almost obsessed with this search. So much that we find the most comfortable way out.

Depression! No, we don’t have clinical depression, not at the beginning of course. But that is the climax of the path we head to. Somewhere in our life, we, the subjects understood that sadness can be easily achieved. In fact, it is the sadness that made us awake and coming out of it, we began this hunt for meaning. We had a purpose, some definition for ourselves when we were sad and loathing. We had reasons for being like this. We had everything to blame, and when we are not worried, there is nothing but ourselves to blame for things we do.

A friend of mine hinted to me about this ‘addiction to get depressed’. I instantly got connected to it, I know that I’m heading that way. I already had clues about myself liking the sadness. When I’m sad, I feel I had some depth. It was when I’m messy and scratching the un-groomed beard that I felt like an enlightened being. It made me feel superior to others; like no one knows what I’m going through. It was false, everyone is going through their own shit and feels the same way. I only knew that I liked to get sad until I came out of the thought.

When I was sunk in it deeply, I had the tendency to surround myself with all the tragic news, sad memories, betrayals and overthinking. It took me months to recover from this sort of emotional masochism that I had become. I still find the remnant residual waste of sad-craving ideas in my mind. It cries “the moment is here for you to get sad, go cry” once in a while. I just try to divert myself or make jokes about it because it will run away. You can be a self-loathing sadness craving person almost at every corner, few have periods of such phases once in a while, and few are always craving for sadness.

I cannot be a judge and say that this is ‘wrong’. If it gives them a purpose to live, maybe we should just let them be. But it is really annoying to be a consoling person for the guy who is emotionally masochistic. And also the guy who always tries to save people from abusive relationships. I have been both, and some people were annoyed consoling me when I was an emotional-masochist. You don’t need to stress yourself, give thoughts about them. Neither should you empathise and try to change them because they won’t. You can hunt them, but it is up to them to change. I changed because I want some other things in life. If you are one of those masochists and you feel like doing some other stuff, do change for the sake of yourselves.

The minds of those have been burdened and tired, those who have tried to protect these masochists. They must have spent sleepless nights thinking they have to save these people. This is yet another problem, the saviour complex. This is not masochism but an equally irritating super-hero syndrome. But at least, these super-saviours don’t halt progression, they boost it but at the cost of their peace of minds. One thing I want to say to both saviours and masochists is that the progress of life is what we want. Being sad, being in an abusive relationship it makes you stay in the same place for too long. Too long that you almost waste your entire life before you even realise that you can do a lot more things with your life than getting choked or walking in a dark abyss. It takes you nowhere, that path is circular, a void where the end and the beginning are just a hole. All you need to know is that there is a hole, and you can just jump back to the world. Do not take the easy way out, you can do a lot of things with your life.

Let’s talk about more submissive ideologies and phases in our next article. If you are familiar with more such humiliation-craving masochistic ideas to live, you can comment or mail us at penfluky@gmail.com.

CRIPPLED

Sitting at my 
window,
I was watching
the stars;
Waiting for the moon to go 
down,
For the sun to
rise;
To the eyes 
those were red,
To the lips 
those were 
pale,
To the wrist 
that was 
bleeding,
To the bed that got wet,
To the calm and restless wind,
To the tomorrow without me,
My heart could
only answer 
that
Hope is a funny thing.
It was time to
stop my painful nights,
Time to forget
all that 
happened;
But one last I
could remember
them all,
One last time 
before I 
vanish;
The deeper my 
memories run,
The deeper I 
remember the 
cuts;
From that 
misery, I have
brought
To the people I made suffer;
From the 
stranger who 
laid a hand on
me
To the lovers 
who are nothing but err;
From the 
friends who 
called if need
be
To the amigos 
who stood by 
me;
From the 
toxicity which
surrounded me
To the 
vengeance I 
have spread;
From the glory
that I carried
To the pain 
that is 
clouded;
The gifts of 
destiny are 
dangerous
More mysterious than we expect;
I destroyed 
myself not 
knowing that
Hope is a funny thing.
I am just as 
pathetic as any other human,
Just as cruel 
as any other 
slaughterer;
Today I stand 
between my life and death,
Hoping for 
forgiveness to
come to me,
Good fortune to strike;
But I have 
lived enough to know
That good 
riddance is 
more than good;
Waiting for my
veins to drain
As I now know 
that Hope is a
funny thing.

10 things to better yourself at BLAH!

We all know what BLAH is. It can be anything. You can replace this blah with anything, and it would still mean nothing. By this line, you must be wondering what that cover picture is, and what am I trying to say. But you don’t need to worry about that because the cover picture is the very first one I saw after I opened the royalty-free picture library. It does not solve any purpose of this article, and it exists because it had to. Do you even know why you exist? Wait, I guess I’m drifting off-topic! Wait! Was there supposed to be a topic? Yeah, the BLAH! Ten things to do BLAH! You do understand that this paragraph exists because we need an introductory paragraph for this kind of stuff before the ten things I’m going to say, right?

1) Stay Healthy

Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV on Pexels.com (Green food I’ll never eat, blech!)

Of course, you know this, who the fuck doesn’t want to be healthy! But still, I’m going to try to tell you some things to be healthy. Believe me, I don’t know shit, and I’m just writing whatever I feel like and just making you stay with the totally irrelevant pictures that make no sense. You need to drink water; you know that, right? Of course, whiskey and rum are tasty, but don’t over-drink them, okay? I guess you need to eat good food too, like pasta, noodles, Manchuria, and Biryani. Of course, they are not healthy, but you love to eat them, why don’t you do that, why don’t you follow your instinct.

2) Listen to good music

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com (Random kid posing, like he knows how to play guitar!)

I know that I sound absolutely ridiculous by saying that! But yeah, listening to good music helps you to BLAH. It keeps you tuned, happy, and I’m unable to remember the other word. It’s okay though, and I have already finished forty-nine words in this paragraph by this word.

3) Take a dump

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com (Failed to acquire a picture of a person pooping)

No, I’m not kidding! You should have a good digestive system. If you have a good flow of poop, your guts will be cleared so that you can fit the remaining food you are trying not to throw away. “A dump a day keeps constipation away!” No one said that, but I think there must definitely be few bold and italic words inside quotes for some paragraphs.

4) Make friends

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com (I don’t even know if they are really friends or just posing for the picture)

At least try to or pretend to. Some are lucky to have good friends, while some get backstabbed, and their french fries get stolen. Never trust the friend who takes your chips. Once I was sitting in a restaurant, I was saving pieces of Paneer to eat them in the climax. But, my ex-friend robbed the piece right in front of my eyes. It broke my heart. So, make sure you make friends who don’t steal your food, the one who gives his food is an incentive.

5) Self- Gratification

Photo by Gustavo Fring on Pexels.com (It just appeared when I searched for satisfaction)

NO! God damn it! I’m not talking about that! Come on, you perv! When I say Self-gratification, I’m talking about how you should start satisfying yourself and stop waiting for god or a prophet or merely a blogger’s approval for you to do shit. Can’t you do shit without a blogger telling you how to do it in 10 different ways? Come on! Give me a break!

6) Know your limits!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com (Cute girl xoxo)

Yes, that’s a serious suggestion! I thought I could write 10 of these things, and the juice in my glass is already over. Wait, let me change the title to 9 things because, fuck, mate! I don’t even know what I should write for the 7th! You should seriously know your limit man!

7) Be open-minded

Photo by Wallace Araujo on Pexels.com (Just a cute couple kissing!)

I don’t give a shit if you are an orthodox close-minded brat, I’m just trying to look cool. Yo! I’m so open-minded that sometimes I wear torn clothes and let people see the colour of my underwear. Just kidding! I’m just broke! 😦 But yeah, it is true that being open will help you eat all kinds of food there is and you can’t miss any of them!

8) Don’t be depressed!

Photo by Mateus Souza on Pexels.com (Painful to see a cute girl cry 😦 )

Please don’t be depressed. Why are you depressed? You should not be depressed. Is someone harassing you? Don’t worry; I’m just using those words as keywords! You know, reach and stuff! Harassment, Abuse, Rape, Murder, and Kidnap are the keywords that grab the attention of people. But don’t worry, it’s only the topics of sadness they would want to be against to look revolutionary. In real life, they don’t get the attention much. In India, few parents carefully choose a rapist and marry him with their daughter. It’s completely cool, chill out, no big deal.

9) Feel happy for what you have achieved!

Photo by Vlad Chețan on Pexels.com (Is he flying? WTF!)

OMG! I’ve achieved a 9th thing! I’ve successfully finished writing eight BLAHs, and now I’m filling the paragraph of ninth BLAH. I didn’t really think that I can pull this off. I don’t really know if someone would scroll down this far. Most of you guys would have quit this tab for the absurdity you have seen. But you! You have stayed! You are special! You are the Übermensch, mein führer. Because you complete me, you are respecting me by continuing to read!

10) Never lower your self-esteem!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com (She’s cute too ❤ )

I know that self-esteem is not a switch you lower and higher, but I did think of myself as a total idiot in the 6th BLAH. I have successfully written 10 BLAHs, and it’s time that I rename the title to 10 BLAHs again! If I gave up on myself, I would not have written 10, and I would have stopped at 9. See how I pushed my limits?

Now, this is the final paragraph, where I’ll try to explain why these ten things are cool. You already know all of them, but you were confused. You were confused to do something, and you were looking for answers on the internet. But the web is full of eagles now. You might be seeking a way out of depression, abuse, but people here are the real assholes. They’re worse than people who steal your fries. They are never to be trusted. They use keywords; they tell you things you already know; they give you false hope. They make you believe your temporary mood change is depression. Gosh! I got pretty serious in the last paragraph, right? It’s okay though; the last sections are always saved for the messages. The message I give you is nothing. It’s the knowledge that one can even make a reader to read his article through writing stupid and nonsensical shit. Not every engaging post is informative and sensible. Go have a beautiful day! I’m just saying that because I don’t know how to end this unbearable pain of a conversation.