#life – Penfluky

Memories and senses of Samuel Sheraton

I can feel the smell, the smell of freshly baked dough. The sweet smell of dough is throughout the street; it makes my mouth water. I looked at the bakery, and the bakers are not open yet. Maybe they are preparing for today. I look up at the sky, and the sun has not risen. But a few rays of him escaped and made the sky brighter than it was an hour ago. I wonder why I woke up this early; I can’t even eat anything till 2-3 hours pass. Wait, I know where I am, but When Am I? Are these feelings just memories?

I realised that I was drifting in a childhood memory. I am now 20 years older than that memory. It was the smell of dough that made me lose myself—the scent from the same bakery at the same time. The sun has not risen yet. And I wonder the same thing, why am I even awake? I am standing in between a road like an idiot while all the people are walking past me. They look shadowy and too dark to have any visible features. I don’t understand where there is such low detail.

I realised again; it is merely a memory. I am 23 years older than the memory of drifting away in my childhood memory because I’m standing in the same place that I stood and lost into memories 23 years ago. It is like the movie, Inception, except I’m awake. I’m drifting in memories while I’m awake. I always have this habit of losing myself into my memories.

It is not that I have only beautiful memories, but don’t know why I tend to travel a lot in my mind; revisit the memories. And this revisiting does not happen voluntarily. Something triggers these memories, and I find myself replaying all the memories that thave something similar to the present moment. But to be honest, other than the location, smell of the dough and my position, everything is different.

The main thing that is different from all the three scenarios, 43 years younger me feeling the smell of dough, 23 years younger me and the 50-year-old me, is the motive. We three were awake at the same time and happened to be at this place, but the reason behind waking up is different. Yet somehow, I travelled back in time because of the smell of dough. I heard a sharp bike horn that pierced my eardrums and made me come back to my senses.

I was in the middle of the street, trying to cross the road and the biker felt anxious, maybe he realised that my body is on auto-pilot mode. But the horn was unnecessary; I had managed ages by activating auto-pilot mode. I just leave my body to my instincts while I drift away into someplace. The screen that is present in my mind keeps playing different movies. Even when I’m riding my bike or driving my car, I drift away. It is my instincts that control the vehicle.

I have lived long enough than an average human. My hygiene is so bad that I never thought I would live past 45. I don’t sleep enough; I don’t eat enough. But I still have a potbelly, because I don’t walk sufficient either. I don’t do anything in the quantities suggested by people to live healthily because I feel everything is just a burden. I like drifting away into my memories. That is the only thing that I perform in quantities more than suggested. And then again something dragged me back to this world, and it kept my attention more than the biker. It is the nose of my building’s watchman.

Is he Pinocchio? Why is his nose growing day by day? Or is it that I never observed his nose? I guess it has something to do with his cap. He wore a monkey cap that covered all his face, and his nose was peaking out of it. He was a bit cute; I never thought of him this way. He suddenly looks adorable. After some time, I realised that I’m staring right into his face and it grew quite awkward. But I guess he didn’t notice; he was in his world of thoughts. Are all humans like this?

Maybe everyone is always lost in their own memories. It is weird how we can just switch to auto-pilot mode whenever we want. And it is a wonder how it is not a choice but an involuntary action. It is like a monitor turning into screensaver mode after a lot of idleness. The screensavers are memories which have something similar to the senses.

Like the smell of dough, somehow my brain hooked the two memories, the one first experienced and the next one when I drifted and the third time a few moments ago when I drifted away in memory of drifting away. I guess our brain links memories with our sense. The strongest of the senses that is active at that moment is embedded with the memory. The smell of dough that pierced into my nose and manipulated my thoughts. Now those three instances of memories are categorised under ‘Smell of dough’. I reached my apartment, but I didn’t want to go in.

If I chose to open the door my apartment, my mind would flood me with thousands of memories that are linked with the apartment. And nothing has changed in my apartment, the smell of older people and the smell of adult diapers. Nothing has ever changed in these 43 years, and I don’t expect it to change. When I was running in those streets sniffing the baking smells, I ran to buy medicines, for my great grandmother. I saw my grandmother and mother take care of her from she got diseased and soon became deceased.

There was a silence for a few months, and then my grandfather took the turn of falling on the bed. I guess someone should always be on the bed in this house. The smells of adult diapers, it surrounds me all my life. When I enter the house, that is the strongest of the senses that reaches my brain. The memories that flood into the mind and the movies that play in my brain’s screen are the ones that I don’t want to see. Enough of diapers! I thought a lot of times. But I’m happy that I don’t continue the trend of my family.

I don’t push the burden of cleaning my elderly butt to my child, because I have none. Unlike my family that took turns and shifted places with the next one, I’m afraid I will fall sick too. After my grandfather, it was my grandmother then my father and now my mother. They fell ill, they lived, for ages sucking the life out of the one serving them. It is a cycle what happened in our family. Our lives went on serving the elders, and there comes a time when we get the services in return. This cycle is what I want to break. I will never have children.

These thoughts rushed me as soon as I opened my door, and this is why I always pause before opening the door and making myself enter the diaper paradise. My sick mother turned her shaky head towards me from a distance. The ancestral bed she was lying on is as old as a fully grown pine tree. This movement of her head, it, in turn, triggers a lot of memories. It reminds me of all the others that turned their head to look at me every time when I enter. I love my mother! And that’s the chain that ties me to her. The bond that I can never severe. I chose to serve her rather than enjoying the life of my own; this is the bond of us.

I wish my mother were not sick. If not for that, deep down, I wanted her to die. Not because I hate her. I can never imagine my life without my mother. But what happiness does any of us have? What life have we seen other than elderly buttocks? I don’t compare myself with the life of others. The others have even sick lives. I see people thinking themselves to be independent yet somehow fall in the trap of love and have kids and grandkids. At my age, even they wipe poopy buttocks, except that it is of children’s. With the system that makes us spend our lives entirely in diversions, it is only ordinary to get lost in memories.

I sat beside my mother, and she holds my hand with a lot of difficulties. Her grip had begun to loosen for a couple of months. She smiled with her toothless mouth, and while her lips widen to her cheeks, her eyes puked out a drop of tear. “I’m sorry” she whispers, and this triggers the deepest of my fears. I couldn’t control the event; I don’t know why, but my eyes produced a lot of water. My vision became blurry, and the tears rolled down my cheeks. “You don’t need to be, Ma,” I said, kissing her forehead. I wiped my tears because I don’t want her to know that I hate my life. I do understand that this sickness only takes off her dignity.

But why did she say sorry? Did she feel guilty for making me serve her? Does she think that I didn’t marry because of her? I can never ask her these questions, and I don’t even want her to think about these things. I just want her to die peacefully. Only in death does this drifting away stops. She doesn’t have to be guilty of making me serve her. She doesn’t need to be a burden to anyone. But again, if she is dead? What am I going to do with my life? This thought struck me like a lightning bolt, and I had no answers. It is beyond me to imagine a life without the smell of adult diapers. It changes everything.

Maybe somewhere I don’t want her to die either. Perhaps that is the reason why I tender her ailments and keep her alive. I don’t want to live a life without her. I’m submitted to serve her; I need her to be there and keep me diverted from the nothingness of life. I need her alive. Or is this my irrational and moral mind speaking to me to kill my feelings of burden? Guh! I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I wanter her alive or if I want her to die peacefully. But I think I am fine. With the earning, that is more than enough for this rag house; I can afford to serve my mother. So, I think it is okay, her being alive.

I shut the alarm that reminds of the medicine time, and I popped all the pills out of 9 different boxes. It takes 18 capsules per day for this elderly creature to be alive. I brought some water and called her name. She didn’t move; she does this. And she makes a fool out of me by playing dead. I get the doctors, and then she wakes up. Today I am not in the mood to play the fool. I shook her to wake her up. But she didn’t, and my heart started pounding. This sight of my motionless mother triggers specific memories of my father and grandparents. I stopped shaking her, and I guess I know what happened. I just stood beside her as motionless as she is.

It feels tight inside me. I am not emoting, and I am not thinking of anything else. It is just blank everywhere. I don’t want my mind to work now; don’t want it screen the memories of my mother, like some backstory. I don’t want to drift away now, and I want to be present at the moment. I want to look at this sight of the soul passing out from her body, and I want her to see the soul liberate both of us. The bond that made me stay in this world, it is severed now. Now there is nothing that ties me to this world. And no matter how much I hate to think of it, it gave me a sigh of relief. And this relief, It is a relief that made me think of all this.

I realised that it happened 21 years ago and now I’m sleeping in a cabin. The blizzard is so intense that cold breeze hacked into the gaps of this wooden cabin and entered into my room, and I can feel a sigh of relief. My 71-year-old body feels light and relieved. I understand that I cannot live any longer in this cold. My body has lost the capabilities to make me stand the cold anymore. I didn’t feel sick like my elders. That allowed me to travel thousands of miles by selling everything I had. I made sure that I keep travelling and have no redundancy in my life because I don’t want any repetitions that trigger my memories. I need new smells, new visuals, new sounds, new touches and new tastes.

But after 21 years, since my mother passed away, something took me back to all the memories that I evaded from all the time. And that is this relief that made me remember those things. There is something in my mind that feels happy and blissful. I craved to smell the dough one more time and I feel very lightweight; the cold breeze stopped bothering me. I can see something dark approaching me and erasing everything around me. And this darkness doesn’t have a taste, smell, visual, touch or sounds. It is the ultimate nothing that is filling me. And I felt happy for finally ending this loops of revisitation and go to a place where I get to have nothing. Soon it filled everything of me, and my eyelids felt heavy, I closed my eyes.

Congratulations! You got it at last!

Hey pals, so still stuck at a point where you are being judged? or finding it hard to place yourselves at a point in life? No worries, we are here to brighten up your day. Don’t worry, we are not selling any products for you, neither asking time if you have time for the Lord, our saviour “Cthulhu“. In the following article, let me help you understand what you did wrong in life. So that you would finally get it.

Having An Opinion:
What? You had an opinion on something? How dare you? I mean don’t you understand this, you should not have an opinion on something. Your research may be correct, you might actually state facts but you should not have an opinion. Did you use your education and resources to have an opinion on something? How condescending! But to save us from this we always have people who correct us by their opinions, not facts. How lucky we are! Next time don’t give them work. Don’t have opinions.

Standing Up When You Get Bullied Or Trolled:
Do you see how silly it sounds? Standing up for yourselves? Come on, who do you think you are? They are trolling you and having fun, let them enjoy, why are you stopping it? I mean, you must be fun at parties. It may hurt, but who cares? The others are having fun don’t stop it. Get bullied, let people enjoy when you mentally breakdown and cry. You are getting trolled and getting memes being made on you? Get trolled, see people are laughing so must take it. You are not special okay!

Stating A Rational Thought:
Did you state a rational thought on someone’s belief? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you dumb? Why don’t you understand this? You think you are rational and therefore they are facts, huh? Don’t you know that loud voices matter most instead of a fact? But luckily, even for this, we have people who cuss even our families and us, so that we don’t state facts next time. I’m feeling privileged!

Sharing Passions With Your Family:
You asked your family members that you have a passion and want to follow it? Oh, my sweet summer child! Did you have a concussion or an aneurism? You have a passion and want to follow it? Oh gosh! You are completely wasted! Who have passions? Only successful people! How did they become successful? By following their passion! Don’t you think and understand this? Luckily even here we have family who brings our self-esteem and confidence down by saying things like “You are a disgrace to this family” ” I wish you weren’t born.” So that we don’t have demonic possessions like “passion.”

Setting Your Personal Life Goals Based On Your Strengths:
That is the dumbest thing you can do! Setting goals based on your strengths? What is wrong with you? Did you use your mind to think? Are you doing drugs or what? How foolish of you? You yourself decide when you marry, have kids, where to work and what to do? Don’t you have a fear of being judged for minding your own business? If you do everything on our own, what is the need for relatives? And who gave you the right to think about yourselves. Don’t do this; let others decide what you do.

Feeling Sad When You Are Backstabbed. Specially In Work Place:
You are sad when your colleague backstabs you and takes a promotion? I mean you believe you deserve a promotion? Come on, come back to reality! Your colleague outsmarted you. How stupid of you to trust them? You revolted against them when you found this? Oh man, you never see it do you? They just used you and thrown you out like a tissue. They might say “Don’t worry God will take care of everything.” You might get thoughts like “Around 1.08 million people died of corona and he couldn’t save them, why would he give a rats ass on a guy who got betrayed at a workplace?” That is a question for a different day. Don’t get thoughts like this, just work like a slave and try to be a slave master next time.

In the end, if you don’t follow the above steps, you will have a complete life. Yes one more important thing, if anything wrong happens to you without you doing anything, raise your hand and say “It is my fault.” That is the cherry on the top! Congratulations! You finally got it!

Utter Nonsense of a senseless mind

The mind is a wonder they say, but if they peeped into my mid, they would want to ignore. Because of the things I have in my mind, you will find it hard to call me names—these dangerous abstract images of chaos. I see people as stupid, and to be precise, cunts. Cunts who can’t be kind to each other and always find something or the other to complicate life. I happened to exist, and you happened to exist, the circumstances we grew up are different, but we came into existence in the same way, unless you were a virgin-born, then I would have to call you my lord, I guess. But no, you were dropped through the same maternal tunnel that I was. Then are you somehow superior to me? You would if you fell from an interdimensional wormhole or a spaceship, can defy gravity and your only defect is the Kryptonite. But no, right? You cry when I pinch you, and you sob at looking at your academics. You and I are at the same level of stupidity, my brother!

All these years I have been wondering how you are different from me, for I should bow for you like you are a king, but I found none. Do you know? You can be nice to me! Try sometime! You don’t need to lie, you don’t need to fake a greeting, but you and I can co-exist without bothering each other. But no! You had to buy that golden toe massager that cost you a kidney and not because you liked it, but because you thought it would make you look better than me. Do things only when you want them, for your sake! And if you really wanted it, it is okay to lose that kidney, I guess. When was the last time you did something because you really liked to do it?

I’m sitting here and typing these words, and I suddenly felt like singing in a donkey’s voice. Of course, I will do it, I will sing. But if my song had to wake the people sleeping, I should choose not to. Because co-exist bitches! Yes, I had the urge to sing, but it will disrupt the peace of my neighbour who is waiting for his third cardiac arrest to kick the bucket.

I wear a skirt, and that disgusts you? You call me names and you joke about me all day. You can call me a cross-dresser or a trans-gender, but that won’t change anything. Maybe I just wanted to see how I looked in a skirt. You somehow generalised 50% of people in the world because they had penises. We call them men, and somehow you thought we would all behave in the same way because we all have the same reproductive organ? NO! I might have it, but maybe it is not working? I might want to cut it off? But how can I be proud of it, as it was random? There is an equal chance that I would have been born in the other 50% of the population called women. Would I be generalised differently? Women, you generalised yourself too. That’s where the trouble began, generalisations!

We are so unique, brother! And you still want us to be common someway. You did not just by generalising mindsets by gender. You needed something else. You looked at stars and thought you should create and believe in zodiac signs. Can you hear yourself? You think that you and I are same because the day, the time had matched yourself and we both are Gemini? Does that make any sense to you? Just for a moment, consider yourself a Capricorn. Now read what the horoscope says to Capricon. It still matches you. That’s how they are made; so vague! The lines of astrology and horoscope match us 90% because every paragraph matches to any of us in the same probability. If you wanted to see similarities, being a Gemini, you could still match with any other zodiac sign. It is just in your fucking mind.

You choose things, and you do them to you. Your book of life is written by you, and you can’t blame anything else for what happens with your life. We always try to blame something else, something external. In this chase of blaming something, we have created our monsters to blame them. If you win, you blame it on the magical sky daddy, say you have had his precious blessings. But no, It is just you all over and the sky daddy is in your mind. God is just a block you fill in all the gaps that you can’t understand.

The secret of life is simple, and it is not some hippie bullshit in YouTube that asks you to clean your aura. Clean your brain! The secret to lead a happy life is to not bother any other cunt and live your cunty life. Live so individually that you don’t even bother a fly with your existence. Of course, kill the fly before it lays eggs, it is just a metaphor. Only don’t harm fellow human beings, that is the minimum thing you should do to live a peaceful life. Live and let live, for its maximum. Love and let love too. Just because you have presumptions about a certain group of people, you can’t force your son/daughter to not live with them. In fact, the idea of a group is false, and you are an idiot to think people belong to a group and behave in the same way. We all speak for ourself, not some imaginary group we have created in our minds.

This is not the minimum concerns that bother my mind. I’m troubled about every other thing. I overthink about why people overthink about almost everything. Why can’t we just live a simple life which carries no weight? Why should we carry so much burden of judging, scolding, generalising, offending and defending business? Why can’t we just live? You don’t know when you will die, it might be today! A sharp pencil that you have left on the table might pierce into your eyeball and then enter into your brain. Maybe you will live your life in a stretcher like a vegetable. You can never know! We all have problems. We have all been there. But what is the reason for the problem? Look for it, it is inside you. It is either you or some other who had created the problem by complicating life. The human error of complicating things has gotten messy.

We have millions of people with mental disorders, thanks to stress and anxiety. Chill the fuck out! Breathe! Live your life in a way you like it without harming anyone else’s life. That’s it. Even if it is your dearest son whom you gave birth to. You don’t own his life because you gave birth to him. He never asked you to give birth to him in the first place. It is you who have burdened him by bringing him on to this ever complicating, problem-creating and hatred-filled world. You don’t need to smile at people, just don’t start judging, commenting, gossiping and bothering them. We are just 7.8 billion sperms floating in the testicle of the universe.

So, live your life, and let me live min, Cunt! Yeah, how ironical of me not being nice to you? If you have never been nice to me, how can I? If you will remain a cunt, people will also be cunts to you!

Death came sooner than life

When I woke up, all I could feel was a breeze,

Calm and serene, Peaceful and Cool;

Winds howling with the only noise of their flow,

Laced with the honey, they were sweet;

Reminds me of my mothers’ fragrance,

Wish I could run into her arms and feel warm;

Where is she? I find no trace of her,

Mommy! Mommy!! Where are you?

I am not able to open my eyes; please help me;

Struggled, screamed and finally heard a voice,

“You cannot open your eyes here, Lilly.”

Why? Who are you? How do you know me?

Too many questions to ask, too much confusion:

Why don’t these damn eyes open?

All I want is to go home and see mom;

No one here has the eyes to see,

Except for the voice to speak and ears to hear;

Mr.Strange, who are you? How do you know me?

We all know each other, Little quick or little late;

It has taken you a complete life to know me,

For me, I have known you forever;

Heard you cry coming out from your mothers’ womb,

Heard your giggles playing in the corners of the street;

You were alive not late came your death,

I was around, took your hand and let you sleep for a while;

Here you are awake and alive again,

Living your after death, or should we call it dying?

This is it? Am I already dead?

Can I not go back and see my mother again?

No, you can’t. Learn to hear her from now,

Love isn’t in vision but in the feeling you experience;

But why do we not have a vision in this so-called dead world?

Here you are, I love it, the curiosity of being a kid,

They say the dead world isn’t for crimes and hence, no vision;

Really? If everything can be felt, then how can vision stop crime?

Oh dear, don’t you know that eyes are mischievous,

They are the keepers of attraction;

Oh! Is it? Funny it is to hear that, how idiotic is that expression!

Let my mother come; I shall ask her all questions,

Why do you say that? Ask me all you got in your head;

What you say is pointless like a blind won’t perform crime,

Brilliant is for you to ask that, but little one do you know?

How will one commit a crime when you know no form?

It is you who said that we just don’t have eye;

Does that mean that everything is as such, my dear Lilly?

We might touch the things and know, how is it around;

But are you sure that everyone can sense the touch?

Or are you sure that everything here has hands?

Wonderful it is! To live in doubts like this,

Haha! No, it is death so dying, right?

Yes, my Lilly, now you get it all, you sure are intelligent,

I still have certain questions which sure don’t follow any equation;

Let my mommy come, I will ask her in person, Only if she could listen,

Yes, my Lilly, let’s wait till your mother arrives in heaven.

Let’s know what happens after Lillys’ mother meets her in next part.

Life…All about Equating the uncertainties

Life…..
It’s like a leap of faith;
Where uncertainty awaits;
Where we don’t know what tomorrow brings;
or how is it that our life swings.

What we have with us is – today;
Whether it’s black, white or grey.
It’s all about how we balance the situation;
And the right application of any equation.

To add happiness;
& minus the sadness;
To divide the busyness;
& multiply the kindness;
It’s about equalizing the emotions.

It’s more than finding the ‘X’,
And the algebraic decks;
It’s a journey of sweat, regret and reset;
Wherein you will finally feel blessed.

So, welcome the morning with an open arm;
For the world needs your charm.
Every day is just an alarm;
To find the right equation within one’s self;
For at the end, it’s every human for himself.

The Shenanigan Of Life

According to science, the probability of a human being born is one in 400 trillion! That is a pretty huge number and very rare probability. According to evolution, The first human ancestors appeared between five million and seven million years ago, and the present sized brain was formed 130,000 years ago. We used brain to be where we are now with all the luxuries and comforts. The primary work of the brain is the power to think and simplify things. But there are adverse effects on the same. So what is the Shenanigan (a devious trick used mainly for an underhand purpose) gift of the life? The human brain ability to think. Why did I call it a sneaky trick? Humans tend to use it with care at first, and then overuse it spoiling the purpose of it.

The vital part of thinking is finding a logic to deduce complex problems and convert them into simple solutions. So far it is good, when we overthink, we overcompensate the things, and instead of finding answers, we invent new complicated and unnecessary questions. By unnecessary questions, there come pointless methods to find solutions. What happens when we overthink about a situation in life? We feel stressed. Stress leads to loneliness as we do not want to talk to people when we are stressed. What happens if we do not speak? We become lonely, which leads to depression. Depression leads to much more mental health-related problems. And in the end, there comes that thought, which is the 4th leading cause of death for adults ages 18-65 that is “Suicide.” Even worst, it is the third leading cause of death in 15-19-year-olds.

Let us go by the academics of student life for graduation ( The reason I’m talking students is most of the suicides occur at age 15-19). For suppose there are 10,000 good seats of engineering which include top colleges and universities, and the student who writes the exam to get selected is 10 Lakhs. First and foremost, this equation is very illogical and dangerous. Illogical equation because, how is it a students fault when there only 10,000 good engineering college seats in the whole nation? Isn’t the responsibility of the colleges and the government to improve the standards? Dangerous equation because the student is literally compared to all the objects in the universe by the parents, relatives, etc., and it creates a trauma. These people never question the government or the university to improve the standards.

Let us consider a scenario to understand the difference between thinking and overthinking. What is the basic concept of the exam? Some professor, who is located in some part of the country, prepare a question paper, which he feels is necessary and asks students these ten lakhs students to answer, from which another professor evaluates and picks the 10,000 candidates. For suppose a student is not among the group of 10,000. Logically a student has to think in the following way, “according to 2 people from the 7.8 billion people in the world, think I’m not eligible for this course, for the questions I answered this year. Let us give it another try or try a different one.” But is the student thinking in the same way? Nope, they Complicate it and think, ” I’m useless compared to 10,000 students who got the seat. My dreams are shattered! Everybody got the same questions, then why didn’t I get the seat?” By this overthinking and added parental pressure, their suicidal tendency increases and some of them end their life.

There are other causes of suicides in youngsters as well. A couple of them are love and career choices. Why do people commit suicide due to love? What is love? You like a person because of their qualities and want that person to be with you forever because it makes you happy. What should anyone think when their love is rejected by the other person? They should think, “I’m rejected by this person because they didn’t like the qualities I have. I’m living with these qualities since all the past years. I’m sure I will find the one who likes me.” But they complicate it and think, “I’m rejected by the person of my dreams! What is the purpose of living? I cant face reality any more.” Same goes with the career. In a company, one manager by this knowledge thought a person is not eligible for the promotion and rejected them. They take it personally by overthinking and end their life. We always say that people should have opinions. What is an opinion? It is an idea on something which you developed by your own knowledge and thinking. Why are we not applying the same opinionated thinking before ending life?

In the end, any problem in life has a simple solution if we think logically, but we complicate the things and spoil our mental health. As I said at the start, the probability of a human being born is 1 in one in 400 trillion. Let us not spoil the beauty of the formation by ending it abruptly. Let us find the right solutions for the problem by thinking and not overthinking.

Links for reference:

W.H.O on suicides: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/suicide

The darker life..is it DARK?

Sorry I am claustrophobic
And that’s how I know I am stuck
In the built structure of this body
I have been thinking all along
How am I here at all
Was I forcefully trapped into this?
Or it is just another mistake by the universe?
I have wandered through the world
And travelled through the sky
Neither I found the escape
Nor the answer for why
How could I sustain this?
How far the frustrating journey?
Is all I have in my head
Whenever I look into the eyes of the mirror
To what ends is your mystery?
What do you crave?
Is there really a meaning to this?
Is why the man evolved from the cave?
To the questions and thoughts unanswered
All I wanted was an escape
The constant reminder is the end
Where we all can finally rest
I was in a hurry to reach
I tried the shortcuts possible
Little did I know what it is
To have a shortcut to the end
Painful and scary was all the way
Wish I had stopped that day
But today here I am at the end
What foolish was I to not understand that
The end is the beginning; the beginning is the end.

Waste of sperm!

By the – Übermensch

It was 23 years ago when that one sperm hit that one egg and a fusion of 23 x 23 chromosomes that had fertilised me. The journey was unbelievably painful. The questions I had in mind were always unanswerable. I remember asking why women have holes and men have poles. I remember asking where does god live and how come he’s able to see and be everywhere—the answers to those questions that I did get, but the satisfaction I did not. But I did nod, I did pretend like I found closure. Because all around me, every one of my age was satisfied with the answers, they were told. These unanswered questions started bulking up in the warehouse of my mind. Soon the storage was filled, and I had to let go of some. To do that, I had to accept a few norms and let the questions be unanswered forever, like the origin of the universe, I just left the scientists to fill it.

As far as I know, just like me being born in a stream of million sperm, the universe was created by accident. That’s how random this universe is. The things that occur; occur randomly, and it is us who give them meaning. We somehow hate random things is what I had answered for the question of why we want to believe in god. Because we hate our existence to be meaningless and a co-incidence; we created a creator who had then created a destiny for us. We want to believe it so hard because, without it, we are nothing. But after the thought of the possibility of creating the creator, can I ever force myself to believe something fictional to be true? No, I can’t go back! And that had made me the black sheep!

I was curious to know how I became me and not an ape! How am I a human? How did my ancestors evolve? While the people of my age were busy watching and playing sports. I hated the very notion of hitting a rubber ball with a wooden bat and then people running to catch it and the guy with wood in his hand running. I never wanted to afford such leisure. What a waste of time? I could find answers, meanwhile! But then, why are people tend to afford such leisures? I had a new question. It took ages for me to figure out that it was a way of passing the time. Leisures exist to pass the time without thinking about factual things. Like why a round ball rolls and why not a square piece? It took me a thousand questions to realise that I should not close the questions to invite new questions. I should upgrade the warehouse! I should broaden the range and encourage more new questions. That was the moment I started being a critic of everything life throws at me. I see a puzzle in everything. Why did my girlfriend happen to be my girlfriend? If I had a different set of clothing, with a taste of what she repels, would she still be? Isn’t that random? If a thing as small as it can be is changed, maybe Hitler would end up being a great artist, we would have his works in our galleries. The chaos is what exists. There is no pattern in anything. We think we have everything in control, but no. It is just like destiny, but the idea of predestination is false. Our fate is not predetermined. Instead, it always remains unpredictable, depending on random interlinked events.

With that worm of thought, can I live among the flock that is not concerned about eating the worm? I see emotions as pretend, a user-interface. They are beautiful and uncontrollable; I can’t control my tears at the climax of Interstellar. I can’t help falling in love with things and people I find lovely. It’s up to my body chemistry to react upon them, to give my character depth, and that makes me human. Can I be normal when I’m voluntarily leaving a few things for my irrational part of the brain to run its course? Like when I made my first film! It rained that day when it was screened in our school. It rained because some drainage got evaporated? I could have crossed it off for precipitation, but I let my irrational mind to run its course. I gave it a meaning, knowingly that it is false. I took it as a cosmic gift; an appreciation. It is fun to think like that. When you are happy, everything looks happy; you begin to notice lotuses in the swamp.

It is not superior, neither is it inferior to have these endless questions and my eternal struggle to answer them. I happened to be this way because of the random events that had occurred around me. Had I not studied the origin of species, I would have concluded that a creator made us. It just happened! All the events; tragic and beautiful had made me what I’m, and made me this annoyingly questioning-everything-being! All world: the system and the pursuit of happiness seems a deception for me—a deviation from the chase of finding answers. Or a mere mask to cover the chaos.

I see my parents not as completely-figured-out people, but just as people; just like me. They are growing with me, and I’m just a few decades slow in progress. Other than that, we are equals, we are only human. The system we built is like a hamster’s wheel. The system that encourages us to “settle down” is a pretend, for me. It means no value. These emotions, my choices, my love and my dreams are all ties that I have which keeps me running in the wheel. After all this understanding, I still choose to keep running rather than chewing this cage off. But for you, it’s a dream, an endless path you chase. For me, it’s a wall with no way. But I’m tied, and I fear to sever the ties. These emotional ties are the only warm embrace that gives me a purpose. They fill my void. I can choose to sever them and explore what lies beneath the cage. But I’m afraid that I will find nothing because of the knowledge that I have of the chaos. And my last refuge and comfort lie within the ties!

Knowing that it is endless, I choose to run in the wheel!

Chasing nothing, just giving my comrades a company in their chase.

I’m running holding hands of the people who believe in the chase.

I’m guiding them towards their closure which I know doesn’t exist.

In this world that doesn’t entertain me, What I am but a wasted sperm?