lonely – Penfluky

Bottom Line Is I Prefer Not To Exist.

In the imaginary race with time, I barely think about what is happening to me. If I stress I even don’t know what I’m feeling. But there some sort of disturbance or sadness that is always pumping from the bottom of my heart.

I work at a graveyard shift for a private company. My job is to take client tickets and resolve them. There will be calls of clients as well, I need to greet them with a smile and assist them accordingly. Yeah, it sucks to the bottom, but what sucks more is the way I get treated.

The clients don’t have respect for us as humans what so ever. We get to hear all kinds of cusses. I got to know them in different languages too. It is like I got used to them, I don’t like it, but that is what it is.

If the work is like this, one would expect the management would be supportive. That ship sank to the bottom way back and its the worst. The stuff they do to keep us “Productive” is bizarre.

They do a video call in the middle of the shift just to check if we are smiling while talking to clients. They are planning to plant mirrors so that we can set our looks and smile while talking.

I don’t know how to express this. They are trying to cut our genuine emotions and programming us to smile. They are trying to make us into robots from top to bottom. It feels very difficult even to breathe and survive.

It feels like a bottomless pit and I keep on falling. Personal life is no paradise either. It feels like “so-called” family members treat me like some random object that we ignore. No one asks If I smiled or had a good day or anything.

But if I talk about passion or something, they pile on me and bring me down to the ground. I also want to talk to my mother in a normal way. I also want to share information with my father like a normal child. But they seem like far fetched dreams.

Few of my friends stopped talking to me because of my bottom states. I get emotional when a huge pile of problems fall on me. Let’s face it, no one likes a whiny person right? I’m shocked and privileged I still have few people and friends that listen to me.

My phone goes empty all day. I sit alone in my room working or doing something. Some of my friends used to call me regularly the day would be way better. Now no one talks and suddenly I need to take these calls and it feels all fuzzy and weird. It’s fine everyone has their own lives and priorities.

Every time I hear that ring on the call, my heart skips a bit. Some unknown fear and pain run to the bottom of my spine and in my heart. what cusses would I need to hear today? Who will yell at me? How much I’m I going to feel sad today?

I get panicked and get very scared. It feels like someone is groping me and I sit there and allow it to happen. It hurts a lot inside and I don’t know how to express it. I’m lost for words and in a lot of pain that I cannot handle.

Why I’m I saying all this? So-called people and society say we need to work hard and we will be good. If people call this good, then I never want to be good in life. This sucks to the core, it is a huge pile of shit, where I survive daily on my tears.

You kill all of our curiosity we have as a child and try to rub your hypothetical success goals on us. Why should someone do a job and laugh and be fake and do a naked dance in this bottomless hole?Why cannot a person be the way he wants to live?

If we question all this we are being rude and don’t know anything in life. If doing what we love is rude and smiling is ignorance about life, then fine I’m happy to be ignorantly rude. But we can’t right, all kinds of crap come up if we open and talk.

The bottom line is I prefer if I don’t exist. I’m running an imaginary race that I never signed up for. I don’t know for how long but the longer I keep running to the bottom I keep sinking.

Note: This is from our beloved friends John’s diary.

Night Life, Expression Of Countless Tears.

When the time passes towards the night,
It is time to set everything straight.
It is time to log in and work,
Time to put on a fake smirk.

I have to speak to clients on the phone.
Treating their problems as my own.
It feels like the night is pulling me to oblivion,
Sometimes it all feels like an illusion.

I feel like a night owl that doesn’t know other sounds,
It feels like I’m lost in a gigantic abyss.
I can’t even cry about it as I need to speak,
My heart inside me always has that sad squeak.

I cannot keep these emotions no matter how much I try,
Sometimes in the night, I want to hug someone and cry.
Every night I work it makes me more depressed,
I have lost interest in things that make me excited.

Mentally, I’m dead and physically tired,
Trying to keep it together, emotionally I’m drained.

Efficacy In Existence, A True Endeavour.

On a Saturday evening, I completed my work and scrolling through my social media. Liking memes and just passing the time. A rare moment where the efficacy of my sadness it not taking over. After some time, there was a chime on the phone.

It is my friend Charvi. She is one of the good buddies I have, and we talk regularly and a lot of stuff. If I feel low or want to share something, I’m pretty sure that her inbox is always open. The text says she has something important to talk and come to Instagram. I opened it, and here is how the conversation goes.

Charvi: Hey. Hi, listen, I have something important to say.

Me: Yes, madame, at your service!

Charvi: Hahaha, okay this is important, listen carefully.

Me: You robbed a bank, and now the police are chasing you?

Charvi: Yeah, I even got a cure for stupidity, but sadly its efficacy is only on humans. Sorry, can’t fix you. Now shut up and listen.

Me: Lol, okay, go ahead.

Charvi: Okay, so my parents are findings options for me to marry. I don’t know that guy. I’m a bit nervous, and I don’t want to marry now. I want to stand up for myself, fulfil my dreams and then think of marriage. What to do?

Me: Okay, I understand what position you are in right now. Marriage is must be mutual between two people. If you are not comfortable, tell them that you are not. If you have dreams, you must chase them.

Charvi: Yeah, I wish it is that easy. Me going to my parents and saying I want to chase dreams and don’t want to marry. Would they listen to me?

Me: It is better to sit and talk before taking an important decision in your life. If you decide to marry, the person coming to your life will be with you for at least the next 40 years. So, think and talk in all the ways possible.

Charvi: Yeah, I will gather up the courage to talk to them. Gosh! I wish this were easy. Why don’t we have ideal efficacy everywhere in life? If I don’t marry, I will make my parents unhappy. Why should it be like this?

Me: Well, to be honest, we humans created these boundaries. We feel to care for loved ones’ decision because we give value to them in our life. It varies from person to person. I’m sure you will come up with a way to convince your parents and follow your dreams.

Charvi: Easy for you to say! You always have people who care for you. You always tell stories about your friends and how they care for you. I feel jealous sometimes on you and want to be in your shoes.

Me: Lol, to be very honest, those days were gone. The error is on both sides. I stopped sharing the incidents that are happening, and ears who used to listen have stopped hearing. Now those eyes hate me and that ears don’t search for my voice.

Charvi: Oh, shut up! You make this shit up in your brain. Your friends love you, and I have seen Instagram stories and stuff. Stop creating scenarios for yourself and be what you are. People who care for you love you.

Me: Well, to be brutally honest “no”. People who used to care for me don’t do that anymore. I cared for them even if they got a papercut. I used to ask how they were and used to talk. Recently I literally posted a suicide note article on my social media. No one gave a “fuck.”

Not only that I posted a lot of sad stuff, and I even posted that I was depressed. No one batted an eye, and I even went through some tests medically. They knew this and didn’t bother to ask what happened. These are the same people who said, “We are there” “we will talk to you no matter what.”

Charvi: Oh my god! What happened? Are you okay?

Me: There is nothing new, the usual family issues. Adding to that, even my organisation hated me, to which, I was most loyal started hating me. I made a few mistakes, told apologies in all the ways possible. It hurts when you feel like you annoy the person who you respect you the most.

Charvi: Oh, gosh! You must be devastated! I’m so sorry. How are you now? I’m sure you hate those people now.

Me: I’m okay, I guess, and I don’t hate them to be very honest. If I know they are having problems; I will message the same way and find out if everything is okay. It is not that I’m good or bad; it is just the way I’m.

I respect those people without any tags and will continue to do so no matter what. The feelings I have for those people are not under business terms. It is under care, trust and love. That is the real efficacy of a relation.

Charvi: I wish I were not busy these days! I wish I would have talked to you. It’s okay; it is not too late. I’m here for you.

Me: Thanks for that, I know you are always there. Everyone says people should be self-sufficient, self-dependent and stuff. But I tell people should have to be able to self-hold themselves. When there is no one to hold your hand, you must be able to hold yourself and move ahead.

On the other hand, when I expressed these th0ughts through my writings they called me I was craving attention. I’m being a drama queen on this. I didn’t know this attracted attention until I read from their shoes. I was just expressing my emotions.

Yes it hurts, and it’s depressing but, if no one is ready to be with you or left you for any reason, you must be able to love and live with you. Even if you remove all the people and relations in your life, you exist, and that is a fact. This is what I believe the real efficacy of life.

Lone Wolf Philosophy: True Tenacity To The Pack

In the world of philosophy, there are concepts for each and everything. It is not silly; philosophy covers every small thing and helps us to think on a broader scale. You might have heard several times about the term “Lone Wolf.” There is a profound philosophy behind this.

Lone Wolf philosophy comes from the wolves which are away from the pack. They generally spend time alone instead of the group. A human lone wolf is a person who acts freely and likes to do everything on their own, favours solitude, expresses introversion, or works alone.

Lone Wolf theory asks for direct knowledge of the world. A predator charges in and destroys a community. Then a Lone Wolf takes control, drains the swamp, and returns things to a previous point of balance. You can compare this to the feelings rush in mind. After the rush, you sit alone and sort everything and go back to normality.

This is the trait of Lone Wolf personality. If we give a deep thought, we all have this personality. When everything goes out of the way, we prefer to sit down, be alone, sort the things and move on. Even after sorting things, we like to be alone or few people to find peace and eventually meet others.

Some exhibit this personality on a larger scale in their daily activities. They even embed this into their character and always tend to be alone. It can happen due to various reasons. They may have trust issues, family issues, some trauma, or it may be anything related to their personal life.

If we study the personality in deep, the Lone Wolves are very hard working. As they prefer to work alone, they work for longer times to complete the tasks. They also make mistakes and will be very quick to correct as they do not like to depend on others.

The research skills are excellent as the dependency is very minimal. Lone Wolves thrive on data and extract information very well. Countering to that, as the dependence on others is very minimal, the work might be slow. But the information will be elaborate and covers all the angles.

Lone Wolves are also excellent friends and listeners. They will only have a handful of people to whom they talk to, but they genuinely love and respect them. This is because they see people as people and not use them for needs. No matter what happens, they respect them and treat them with love.

Lone Wolves are also excellent team members. As their dedication is sublime, they tend to learn everything and be on top. Not because they want to, but because to avoid interactions. On the counter, as they are not expressive, they may not give correct opinions on ideas that are put forward.

There are not only positives but also negatives. They significantly overthink any situation. Due to this, they imagine scenarios that don’t happen and go the extremity of it. As they don’t talk much, they lack expression and couldn’t speak out on their perceptions or opinions.

As they remain isolated or prefers being alone, they are more susceptible to depression. They are also sensitive towards various health conditions like trauma, insomnia, bipolar disorder and even worse schizophrenia. Mental health conditions mainly affect them due to lack of expression.

This is the basic understanding of the Lone Wolf philosophy and how humans express it by their personality.

Come and Date, the winter is here!

Desire to Date

Eager to explore me, I set foot into the world. I seek myself in reflections of other people. It is a trial and error method that I follow to know me. I explore people, see what they are and understand the differences between them and me. And that’s how I get to know me by removing everything that is not a part of me. And it is weird how I am desperate to know more people. It might be the winter, the season to date and romance.

It is almost as if I’m horny for conversations. Let me be modest; I’m horny too. I don’t know. I have never met some who claims themselves to be perverts, and people don’t speak these things out. So, I think I am a pervert, and I need to meet a pervert to see if I’m really one of them or maybe I’m different. And out of the angst and despair for being alone, I seek company.

I kept walking in this cold winter to find myself a good company. It is one night that I seek this company to know if this is what I want; trial and error. If the night felt warm enough, this is what I will have for the rest of my nights. Or at least, that was what my plan was when I began travelling. And after running into a couple of random people, I have come to know about this place. “Come and Date.” It is a pretty honest title for a site that allows its customers to date.

Come and Date

On second thought, I think they are selling their tasteless coffees and frozen french fries in the name of dating to attract young customers. But the winter winds and my lonely bed demanded me to check it myself. The board was short and straight; didn’t expect it to be this rushy. And it was filled with all sorts of people. And there was this guy who was looking at me with a smile on his face. I can never forget that smile. No one looked at me with this amount of light shining through their teeth when I walked in any door of my life.

He robotically came towards me. He handed over a menu which read ‘Single, Long distance, Horny, Playboy, Hit and Run’. “What’s hit and run?” I asked eagerly. “Oh! You are that kind. It’s been a long time” he sighed. “What is that type?” I asked, and he said “You avoid your emotional responses. You behavee like there is no connection between the people you sleep” he smiled. “I have never..” and he interrupted me with a big O shaped mouth. “You look twenty something. And you have never?” he asked. “It is what it is!” I said and gave a rather De Niro-ish expression to kill the awkwardness.

He looked at me curiously and asked “You wouldn’t dare! It is what it is?” he asked again, and I nodded. “Well, sir! In that case, you get a combo, you can try out everythign that’s on the menu” he signalled me to follow him inside. It was a dark room, and it reminded me of the interrogation room in Dark Knight. “Where are they?” I asked in a coarse voice. He laughed maniacally and asked me to sit down in front of a table. There was a lamp on the table, and yeah, I now felt like I’m in some torture room.

The torture room

He asked me to wait in the room, and he went out and clapped so hard. His clap killed the noise coming from different ladies. It was a relief to feel silence after a long time. “Ladies! There is a gentleman inside who have availed the combo pack! because” he paused looked at their faces. I can see his theatrics from the glass door. He looked like he was waiting for the drum roll. After a 30 second gap and an expression that looked like constipation, he finally uttered the phrase “It is what it is” he yelled.

The girls went gaga and formed a queue in front of the glass door. The first one in the row knocked on the door and looked at my face. It was quite awkward, but I signalled her to come in. She was feeling hesitant, so I initiated the conversation. “Hey,” I said, and I wish I told something more than that. She smiled, and her cheeks got red, she is blushing. I never knew someone would blush to look at me. “You are cute,” she said, and it pulled the strings of my heart. “My lonely nights are done, my arms can feel some weight on them,” I thought.

“Do you like pandas?” she asked curiously. That reminded me of Kungfu Panda. I began answering that question “Well, they are so cute..” I was about to finish as she interrupted me in the middle and held my hands. “Do you want to have sex with me?” She asked. I shook for the honesty, and I couldn’t say no, can I? “Of cou..” I was about to finish my sentence, but she looked at the entrance to cover her hesitation. A younger and bulkier dude walked in, and she stood up. She ran towards him, leaving me to sit in the chair like an idiot.

The Humiliation of a failed date

The next girl was not even looking at my face. She was looking all around the room and sat in front of me. She was looking at her nails, phone and everywhere else but not me. I couldn’t understand why did she even come in if she is not interested. I grew impatient, and I threw a Hello at her. She still kept looking at her phone. I threw in a second hello killing my ego. But the avoidance repeated. I grew impatient and, “Why are you even here if you are going to pretend like I’m not here?” I asked, and she gave me a cheap look. “Despo” she cursed, and she left.

Double Humiliation of a disastrous date

It was weird how I totally felt like a pervert for the first time in my life. And I wasn’t even behaving horny. The next girl, ah! she looks like a sweety she is smiling at me right from the entrance till she sat in front of me. She threw in a great hello, and it was warm. I greeted her, and we had an hour-long conversation, which made me forget there was a queue outside. I thought this one would warm my winter nights and maybe more than just one winter. “Let’s go to my place or yours, why to make them stand out while we both are going steady,” I said as I couldn’t hold it any longer. “Excuse me!” She gave me a cheap look”Did I say something wrong?” I asked as she stood up “I’m here for friends!” she yelled.

This blew my mind out. “But the board out there literally tells people to date,” I shouted. “Sorry, I don’t have such intentions” she yelled while leaving. I didn’t understand. Why was she standing in the line, and why did she wait to meet for me. Why did she talk with me more than an hour in a place that read “Come and Date” if she had no intentions? It was a horror show, and I don’t know If I can take any of them. I was genuinely afraid to meet the next person. But, my inner urge increased after looking at the queue. Maybe next one, I thought and called the next one in.

Prowess of Left and Right

This one was genuinely interested in me, and she kept talking to me. But I found no interest in her dialogue. I found the manual that is on my table more interesting than her. She was honest, open and looking for someone just like me. But I should like her, and only then can I really talk with her. She never gave the space for me to even speak. She was continuously speaking about her exaggerated adventures of early college days. Pretending to, listen, I kept on reading the manual. I understood that I possess some commands in here.

The manual says that if I yelled “left” the party sitting before me would walk away. I just want to try it, not because I want to hurt this person but I just her to shut up. She was talking about her days as a fellowship scholar as I shouted “left” and she left. I really liked it. Wish I would have read the manual before. The next person was about to sit, and I asked up straight “What are you here for?” She smiled at me warmly and said: “I’m looking for new friends.” I smiled back and shouted, “left”.

The Realisation

28 people came to a place called “Come and Date” to meet new friends. Are they really illiterate or just afraid to speak out about their feelings? They might just be looking for a filmy romance where two friends realise that they are in love. Or maybe they keep all these friends who always flirt them and the best flirter with the costliest gift or the one who impresses them the most wins their heart. I imagined a stage where the “just friends” princess was standing excited, and Alfred from Batman animated series was hosting the ceremony. “#BFF number 35, please come upon the stage for winning the heart of SweetyPrincess2179”.

I couldn’t take it anymore, I ran out, wept, and slept in my lonely room that speaks out gloominess. I feel embarrassing as I expect more of me as I thought I was self-sufficient. But here I go crying because of SweetyPrincess2179 who wants me to be a friend of hers to see would win the contest of flirtation. But I guess I’m out of the competition. I don’t think this is for people like me because I prefer honesty than this circus of constant impressions and flirtations. I would instead ask permission to kiss than fake my way to kiss.

If the price of being honest is eternal loneliness, so be it! Let me the Socrates of my Athens and drink the poison of loneliness to attain liberty from flirtation. But my heart still pulled me towards the joint. I just wanted to peep and see what’s going on. I saw that they renovated in a single day. They are now a 72-floor crowdy building, and I sat at the door, laughing. I was sweating from all the walking, and I lit a cigarette. My hair was messy and my shirt, smelly. The girls that go in are least of my concern. I don’t give a damn about what they think of me.

The Ultimate Resolution; the final date

After a smoke, right when I woke up to leave, I can smell a sweaty odour that was different from me. I turned back to check this messy person out, and it was a petite girl who looked intriguing. I don’t know why I just walked to her, and I liked how she was messy and natural. She didn’t give a fuck about impressions either. I don’t know why I said that, but I just went “How about a Mexican dinner? Taco and chill?” Now, this girl had never eaten a taco before, but she liked how I was raw, messy and most of all, direct. I understood how she liked me when I didn’t try to impress her. And I liked it when I understood why she liked me without even her mentioning of it.

“Why not?” she said. It was a relief, and I didn’t know that I could make it. We both left the area and started walking towards a Mexican diner. Now, I might come back here again, maybe it will take some time. But, I might, I don’t know. But while I was walking with her talking about tacos and movies, I never thought of coming back here. I felt like spending not only all my winters but also all of my monsoons and summers with her. And we walked into the diner while the sun just pierced the snows of winter.