I Used To Like Me Because I Loved You!

It is the first day of my office,
I’m feeling nervous and anxious.
I got in a car and started thinking.
The thoughts are interlinking.

I reached the office, and I’m excited,
As I go in and enter a room, I’m thrilled.
There is an orientation program to attend,
Suddenly my day is very brightened.

That scene reminded me of my college days,
The first day of college it was all a smiley face.
I had to attend an orientation on my first day,
Saw her for the first time, and awe stuck straightaway.

I never believed in angels until I saw her,
She has the charm of all the angels put together.
There may angels, fairies and their kingdoms somewhere,
But the princess of all the kingdoms is sitting right here.

I wanted to talk to her but had no words,
There is music in my heart instead of beats.
I decided to go to her and have a talk,
But with fear, I had no dare to walk.

Everything about her was perfect and beautiful,
Every slightest moment of her was blissful.
The way she flips her hair and the way she smiles,
Anything about her makes my heart go a million miles.

I prayed to all the possible gods for her to be in my class,
When I found her in my class, my happiness has no limits.
The day you missed college my smile would be empty,
The next day when I see you again, my joy would be plenty.

I always imagined both of us going to fairyland,
I would see you in the eyes and ask never to leave my hand.
All the fairies would sing songs and dance around us,
And I would see your smile and the sight would be auspicious.

I may have never expressed my feelings for her,
But every moment I wanted us to be together.
At the farewell, the other might miss college,
For me, to live without seeing you is out of my knowledge.

“I used to like me because I loved you, and will continue to love you till I get to like me.”

Will she ever miss me-Part 5

Suraj- Yes I am Suraj, who is this

Aafreen– Hai Suraj, It’s Aafreen this side.

Suraj- Who ?(voice stumbling)

Aafreen- Suraj, I am Aafreen, CSE, your collegemate. 

I did not believe it, and I don’t know why. How can this miracle happen? I was entirely in a trance for a few moments, and she was shouting my name on that side.

Suraj- Yeah, are you the burkha and Bharatanatyam combo girl? 

Aafreen- If that’s how you remember me, yes, I am.

Suraj-  Hey, how are you? How did you get my number?

Aafreen- It’s not that tough.

Suraj- Yep, that’s true.

Aafreen- I was about to call you in the morning, but I couldn’t.

Suraj- Why?

Aafreen- There were people in the canteen. You seemed to be very serious.

Suraj- Are you the one who sat in front of me in the canteen.

Aafreen- Yes. You got it. I came to meet my friend, coincidentally, you were sitting in front of me.

(Inner me(screaming)- Yes, I know that it was her.)

( Inner me(relaxing)- Thank God!! Not again”)

We talked for many hours, all casual stuff. I didn’t brag about past because it’s of no use.

She messaged me in WhatsApp- “This is my number.”

We, boys, are very foolish in terms of romance. We just talked for a few minutes, and I started for hoping to rejuvenate my love towards her.

Hope is a funny thing, and once it comes, your actions are reactions to it.

But this time, I also had one more thing with me; it’s “Practicality.” 

I was very conscious of her, and I know how it hurts when it ends. Gradually, somehow small chats turned to be lengthy discussions. Acquaintance turned to be close friends. Five-minute calls turned to be one-hour calls. I somehow used to sleep by talking to her. I don’t know how it happened. somehow when I realized, I was f****d.

( practicality was like- you as******le)

Let me tell you, one thing guys, you can live in deception until you know you are deceived. One day, Aafreen came to college to meet me casually. My inner me was continuously urging me to speak to her. When she was about to leave.

Suraj- Aafreen, one minute.

Aafreen- What?

Suraj- I love you.

Aafreen- What? (surprisingly)

Suraj- You heard it right, I love you.

I still remember how she saw me with anger, she went away with her bike without uttering any word as a usual abrupt ending.

At 11 P.M, I got a call from her. The conversation goes like this

Aafreen– Are you mad or what?

Suraj – What! Are you ok?

Aafreen– What am I ok? really. Why do you need to get this thing always between us?

Suraj– What always, this is 2nd time I told you that I love you. What’s wrong in it?

Aafreen– Everything. Why can’t we be friends? Why do you think that narrow?

Suraj- It’s really hurting. What do you think? I wanted to waste my mental energy thinking of you. NO! It happens. I clearly can’t control myself, but here I am not forcing you. It’s ok if you don’t feel the same. But I wanted to be truthful.

Aafreen- What’s the use of this truth? It will separate us. We can never talk to each other.

Suraj- Yeah, maybe. But I can’t deceive.

Aafreen– Suraj. Try to understand. This won’t happen.

Suraj- Maybe. But what should I do? You are my only true love. I can’t deny it to myself.

Aafreen- Do you think I can deny it to myself.

Suraj- What did you just say?

Aafreen- Nothing.

Suraj- You love me, right?

Aafreen- Of course, yes. I love you. What do you think? 

Why did I call you? Myself. 

Why did I come to university? 

Why did I spend hours talking to you.?

Why do I always spend hours asking about your lunch?

Do you think I just did by being just friend to you? No Idiot, I fell in love with you, when you sang for me on our farewell, I always thought of you all these days. Searched in facebook but you deactivated your account. Somehow found out you were there in this university. So came here but I couldn’t find the strength to talk to you directly. That’s why I called you.

Suraj- I really love you too Aafreen.

Aafreen- I can’t do this Suraj, the reason is apparent. We can’t be together. My parents love me a lot, and they let me live as I wanted. It may sound straightforward for other people. But for me, it’s tough to oppose them and marry you—clearly, it’s impossible. We can’t continue to be in this. 

Suraj- What ! are you mad? We can convince. 

Aafreen- I know my parents from the past 23 years. I know where they can be convinced where they cant be. I think this is it.

Suraj- Really what! You are leaving again.

Aafreen- Yes, I have to. I know I am hurting. But there is no chance for me and you. Hope you understand. 

Once again “I love you Suraj.”

Phone call cuts…

{ 6th part is final}

Will she ever miss me-Part-4

She blocked me both virtually and in her real world.
Its been two months. It’s not that I don’t miss Aafreen. Still, I gradually learnt that Life is a lengthy equation with different functions in it, including love. I felt forcing or convincing is not suitable for any relation. I just left to time that if we were meant to be, We would cross our paths.

Somehow gradually, I got too got busy in my academics. But whenever I used to see Aafreen, I always felt we could have been a good couple. It was final year, Hardly one month was left in college time. But, whenever I had a chance to see her, I didn’t miss it. It was relieving pain to see her.

In the middle of the night, I just figured, after 2 days it’s farewell. I realised that at the end of my fairytale. I grabbed pen and notepad started writing about my feelings. I still remember I signed in such a way that her name was highlighted through my name. I planned it to give it on the farewell day because she will be available in the waiting room.

It was our farewell day, I was hosting it. There was a list in my hand again. I was going through the list of participants, the name was not on the list. I was searching for her in the crowd. She was just sitting at the right edge in front rows. She was shining like the moon in constellations of stars.

I never had a conversation with her, if this day passes I might never.
I just wanted to sing for her. I took a list I added a name in cultural event list in singing events.
I took mic addressed crowd “This farewell is end to many moments we had with our friends. Don’t know we can live it again in our lives. But if this is it then why not bid farewell it with a smile.”
When the crowd was singing with me for Rahman’s music. It was magical.

I took the same bus, which she accepted. I asked a girl on the bus, to forward this letter to her. We got down at the same spot but when we started moving our directions were opposite.

I had a smile on a face, but inside I was bleeding. When I was on the bed, I had tears on my eyes. The numbness I felt, I can’t forget it. Time passed, I started to accept the things that how they are. After a few days, I got a seat in M.Tech in University.
New Phase began. Hostel life, seriousness in studies and I became more mature.

In my masters, we used to be very serious regarding exams. We slept in the afternoon and studied in the nights. Though our canteen was not that good, samosa and Green tea are fantastic.

My friends and I were having snacks in the canteen, there was a girl in burkha seeing me, I saw her I just felt Deja vu. I told myself, “Not again dude.”

At night 9 PM, when I came back from the mess, there were four missed calls on my mobile.
I called back and said ” Hello” there was a girl’s voice from the other side “Hai, is this Suraj?”
I answered back “Yes I am Suraj, who is this?”
she said, “Hai suraj, It’s Aafreen this side.”

Will she ever miss me-Part-3

by- K Dada Hayath

Click here for the first part!

Click here for the second part!

I messaged “I am in love with you, Aafreen, maybe love at first conscious sight.”

When I just messaged this. Even though I felt lite when I messaged, but my mind got struck. I felt someone had pressed pause button in my life.

I was waiting for her reply. But I don’t know she went offline after seeing it. I kept seeing my Facebook account for every minute, but she didn’t reply.

Days passed, waiting for her reply. Even in college, whenever I see her, she used to turn her face off. I felt ridiculous. One day even I tried to talk to her in the canteen by saying “hai” she just went away by ignoring me. That was it. I felt enough of it. I just felt its unhealthy for my self-respect. I just started ignoring my feelings towards her.

Days passed, I started to focus on my college. My article on ” Breaking stereotypes on men” got published in the college newsletter. It got good applaud and appreciation.

When I was about to sleep, my mobile started blinking. I checked it.

It was like Shaik Aafreen messaged.

The feelings which were suppressed in my heart started coming out. My heart started beating in rhythm, and I was blushing before opening the message.

She messaged “Wrote well, Keep it up.”

I replied, “Thank You.”

She messaged “How are you?” I replied, “I am good.” I didn’t want to start a formal conversation with her. I didn’t ask “How about you?”

There was a big pause in our chat. But I told myself to not sound desperate. After a few minutes, Aafreen messaged “What else how else life is going?”

I angrily replied, “Really?”

“What’s wrong with you. See if you don’t want to acknowledge my feelings towards you. That’s OK. But I can’t behave as if nothing happened. But I think, You should have at least said something right.”

She replied “I am sorry, i didnt mean to hurt you. It was very shocking to me. We never known each other that well, how can someone directly propose. Its very amature.”

I replied back “Yeah maybe, but you could have replied. Do you know, I waited for many days then i thought “It’s just a waste of time. So, I moved on.”

She Replied, “Hmmm, good for you.”

I replied, “Arey what’s the issue? I can un derstand you need time. you take it.”

She replied “please Suraj, don’t get in to this in our conversation. I don’t believe in this all.”

I replied “OK.”

I felt it was the start of my love story. We used to chat every day.

Though my love story was typical to all, For me it was cuter than Romeo and Juliet. It was time where I used to recite the lyrics of every romantic song by thinking of her.

But you need to understand there is a difference between trance and reality, luckily you will have someone who slaps you in a trance makes you realise that it’s not real. That was my friend, Zameer.

He said, “Don’t you think you are real to her”. I said “Ofcourse, Maamu” by smiling foolishly.

He said, “Dont lie to me, I can easily tell by the way of your smile.”

I said, ” What to do maamu, What can I say . She doesn’t like to have a conversation on it itself” He suggested, “Then You stop talking or you stop lying to yourself”. What if she blocks me again.

He said “Then she is not meant for you. But in fear of it, I dont want you to live in lie.”

he added “Just tell her what she meant for you. If she accepts that means you are lucky. If not she is lucky” started silently smiling.

I didn’t notice the humour in it, then I got it ” Abey.. #@$@^$@.”

Next day, I messaged Aafreen, “Can we meet, I need to talk to you?”

she replied “Suraj, I don’t like to meet. Please message me whatever it is.”

I messaged a long paragraph, but let me shorten it for you

“I can’t be a friend to you. I love you so much. If it’s not OK for you. I think we need to stop talking to each other. But I know we can be awesome together.”

 She replied “Sorry Suraj, I cant accept this, let’s stop talking to each other. That will be better for both”

Then she used that biggest weapon ” BLOCK.”

The rain of nostalgia

Now an adult, there she stood;
Looking out of the window;
She was reminiscing her childhood.
It was a rainy day;
She could smell the wet mud;
It was now like the memories could flood.

Having a competition of paper boats in the rainwater;
That’s when I saw a child in my father;
He would always let me win;
After all his only prize was my smile;
For which he could always go the extra mile.

Potato & onion fritters;
They were the patent of the monsoon;
With family giggles & teasing;
That’s how the evenings were in June.

Standing at the window;
It was like nostalgia had taken a blow;
That’s when I realized;
It’s so fast that we grow.
So amidst the fast-moving life;
Stop & let the nostalgia take you on a drive;
Because it’s the best way to learn & revive.

Not the cliched Lover – Best Friend story!

  • By – Gayatri

It all started with friendship. Doesn’t it always? 😉

2008 – 8th class it was! The usual chattering, fun, teasing, and you know how the school is!

2008-2015 – We became the best of friends. It was a group of 6 best friends! Sounds like F.R.I.E.N.D.S, doesn’t it? 

Well, it was somewhat likewise too we had the sarcastic one, the fun guy and the uptight one like how they all say but we all knew we had each other’s back!

And in these years I didn’t realize I had my chandler next to me until he was getting fonder of Rachel. Yea, that’s my twist now.

He was going nuts over my best friend, but it eventually didn’t turn out well, and I became the superwoman to this chandler with my shoulder. So that’s when all the gut-wrenching and secretly loving my best friend turned out to be a for real.

Things are complicated, but only if we let them get complicated. Over a few months, he realized, ‘I have had Monica beside me all this while.’ and that’s when the actual Chandler and Monica happened!

It all started with a hug, a hug full of love, warmth and a promise of never letting go!

2016 – We were together!!! It was beautiful to realize what you have been waiting for has been along your side all this while! Best friends turned lovers, how cute and exciting! The best part is how we could just have the best of both worlds at once, you mad at your lover? Switch mode to best friend and talk from that perspective and vice-versa.

The first kiss, the first date, the firsts; I know how people talk about their firsts. But with us, funnily, we don’t remember any of our firsts even till date because that’s how lovely it was;  every meeting was like the first one but, a little more meaningful, every kiss was like the first one but a little more expressive, every fight was like the first one but ended with a bit more understanding.

Not that it was all sugar and roses, we had our downfalls, but we never let the ego ever come in between us, that’s another benefit of being best friends now, isn’t it? You give them a whack of a reality check, and they are back to their feet.

2018 – That’s when the short distance turned to long distance. Oh yes! It isn’t easy, primarily when you used to meet that person every day and now you must meet them virtually!

But those six months were the best wherein I was surprised with appearances and trips along with which came a lot of life lessons, which were learnt.

One of which was, ‘Long distance is more than video calls, they are about how you love & how long you can overlook everything unnecessary that asks you to let go; 

how at the end of the day coming back to the ‘i miss you’s’ makes you fall in love all over again and lastly, how the feeling of their longing presence looks all worth it with that hug when you meet them!

2019 – It’s funny, how we didn’t propose each other even till date but still ended up with what we have today! That special bond! It was still as strong as ever, and everything always felt like the firsts.

2020 – Here we are today! In a dilemma! Neither of us had thought this is how it would end! But with all the pain we still put up a smile on each other’s face because we realized more than lovers we longed each other’s friendship and that isn’t something we were ready to sacrifice for the world. He was a keeper, and I didn’t want to let go of him. But he was the crazy best friend who loved me too much that he was ready to let go of the lover because we knew that was the best for us. He was the one who would stand beside me through my worst and the best. I have seen his teenage stupid love and heartbreaks, but this was more than any of it. From being there as a shoulder for crying to giving me a lecture for something wrong, it was always him. And that idiot told me, ‘He would choose the best friend crazy over the unfortunate relationship drama that was meant to come, any day’. Sometimes letting go of a gem of a person feels like the burden of the Earth but realizing the worth of a real best friend over a lover is not to be overlooked ever.

It is the toughest, especially when you find both the lover & best friend in the same person. But circumstances and situations mould things in such a way that we don’t see the beauty of letting go right now but we will when the time comes and what we need always comes to us more than what we want.

So that’s when I realized why people say, ‘If you don’t ever want to lose your best friend, don’t fall in love with them’.

And for all the people who say that lovers can never turn into best friends? Once you realize they are the magic spell which you can’t lose or have otherwise, it becomes easier to let go off the lover because a real best friend always stays!

The Phone Call

By – Olivia Saha

It all started in the class of 5B,
where we met each other for the first time, and you said let’s sit together.
We chose the 3rd bench, not to close to the teacher’s eyes.
But, soon, the seating arrangement was changed, and we were sitting apart on to two sides.
Children being children, the whole class shifted back to their old seats as soon as the 1st period got over.
Now for the next 7 periods, we would be sitting together.
The Maggie in your tiffin was my favourite, and the sandwich in mine was yours.
And we used to wait for each other outside the washroom doors.
We were given the tag of “Talkative” because of our endless talks,
The talks that would continue even after we reached home after school.
Those days our after school talks used to happen over landlines,
And we never missed calling each other before the next day at school begins.
Who knew the bond will become so strong?
We were BEST FRIENDS by then!
We grew, we laughed, we cried together.
We were sure this bond was meant to be forever!
With time we parted our ways for our careers,
I left Kolkata, and got so busy that those calls nearly faded away,
which was surely wrong.
But, even if we called once in a while,
The string of our friendship was still STRONG!
After so many years, I was coming to Kolkata for a very long time.
The first priority was to meet you, hug you and talk endlessly this time!
But life has its own ways!
One morning I got a PHONE CALL, it was from one of my childhood friends.
The first thing I thought was, may you two were together.
I picked up the phone happily, but the news I got made me shattered.
I couldn’t have thought of it in my worst nightmares ever!
“You were NO MORE”
My heart ached like someone pierced it and torn it into a thousand pieces.
What could have gone wrong?
Why God took you away?
This “Why” will remain with me my entire life along with our memories that will be cherished for a lifetime.
The thing that makes my heart heavy is that I couldn’t see you for one last time!

  • In memory of my childhood best friend.

Will she ever miss me? – Part 2

I just shouted from the window” AAfreen.”
once after shouting, I moved past the window, mingled in the group of other students. There came a girl with burkha started searching for me here and there, but I was hiding, blushing.

There she was, Her face was shining like a diamond amid coal,
Her eyes were blinking like a star. I was just living that moment, in every bit of it she was there.

It was the generation of Facebook, I just searched ‘AAFREEN” in the search bar and sent the request. I remember that day, I was literally opening facebook for every 15 min throughout the day. I can’t express the anxiety which I had on that day in words.

A day passed, in the wait of friend request acceptance. I just thought” if this is my state of nerve for facebook request, what happens to me if I propose her?”I thought she won’t accept my friend request. I better sleep at least let’s not waste the night.

At 1.30 AM a notification blink on my phone and I woke up suddenly there was a notification .”Aafreen Shaik” accepted the friend request.
I was fully active, my every bit of sleep has vanished. I just saw whether she was online, but she was offline.
But don’t know I couldn’t message her in the night.
I was just happy, somehow my Facebook request has been accepted. I slept with that satisfaction.

When I found out who she was, it was accessible to find out which bus she came from and all that general information.
I remember, its Sunday, I felt she might be online, even though if she is not she will see my message and reply back to me.
At 9 AM, I messaged her, “Hai. This is Suraj, Civil Engineering, 4th year.”
The same circle of anxiety begins, every 15 min, I was stalking my own phone.

While I was eating my lunch I heard a notification sound, I ran to my phone leaving lunch to see who it is, but it was just a random notification.
My family saw me as if I am some mentally disturbed person.

At last at 7 PM I got a reply from Aafreen-“hai”.
My phone was under my radar 24 x 7, so there was no scope of missing any call or message.

I had a chat with her,
me- hai? How are you?
Aafreen- I am fine. How about you?
I replied-I am good. Do you know me?
Aafreen- yeah, of course, you were student coordinator to the annual day celebrations right.
Me- yeah, I never thought you could remember me from it.
Aafreen- no..no. I don’t remember you from it. I once met you regarding my cultural performance. My friends and I came to you regarding the time slots of our performance.remember?
[me to myself- really bro!!! How could I miss her man? damn. @#$#!#!#(censor)]
me-yeah.. got it.
(I literally don’t remember a single bit of it)
Aafreen- how come you have sent the request to me?
me- I just got it from the friend suggestions, I remember your performance I was at the backstage. So just sent the request casually.
(me to myself–you suck man…)
Aafreen- oh ok.
Me- Aafreen, forgot to congratulate you on your performance.
You were stellar.
Aafreen-Thank you.
Me-ok what else?
Aafreen- ok I gotta go. Bye

I just felt blockage when she left abruptly. I waited for her to come online.
She was offline for 3 days.
I used to check her Facebook every hour every day.

She once came online, I messaged her, and I couldn’t get a reply for it. I was totally disheartened due to that.

We chatted once in a while,
But she was replying for my 2 days ago message,
I was replying back to her within seconds. My ego was not at all, accepting this.
I decided to tell her my feelings about her.
So I just messaged her, ” Can I meet you directly in college? Need to talk.”
She replied back at night ” why?”
I just said,” I want to confess something to you.”
She asked,” confess, really?”
I said” Yes.”
She asked,” do we really have to meet?”
I said,” if possible, if not, I can confess it through Facebook.”
She replied,” it would be better for both.”
I said” ok.”

I messaged” I am in love with you, Aafreen, maybe love at first conscious sight.”