Tag: #parody

favourite (n.) and their favours (v.)

What is in debt may never die

Sitting in the old wooden cafe, Sir Donald McDouchey sips his chai tea and puts the teacup back on the table. He looks around and notices the waiter looking at him eagerly with a half-baked smile. “Touche, you said right. The chai touched my ganglia and gave my mind the best orgasm it had in years” he spoke out moving his lips forward and wiping the traces of tea drops off his whiskers for the royal douche he is.

The waiter bent a bow and went back to the kitchen that looks like an uncleaned coal factory. He picked a notepad from his desk and wrote ‘+1’ beside the name “McDouchey”. The list read ‘Compliments and favours’. The waiter noticed that it was the first compliment he had received in 6 months and dropped his jaw in disapproval. “De Spice” someone calls the waiter that brought him back to the world. “There is a gentleman waiting at table 6” the coarse voice, guided De Spice to the sitting area.

“Ego De Spice is free sir. You are not my favourite anymore” waiter turned towards the coarse voice with pride on his face. “What do you mean?” the rude man asked. “Sir McDouchey complimented me!” De Spice jumped and threw the pad at the rough man, and he caught it. The rude man looks at the pad with wide-open eyes “But.. but” he uttered. “I have returned your favour by gaining three compliments, sir. It took me one year to get three, but yes, I have done it” De Spice pulls his waiter suit tearing the buttons. He threw the uniform and went out of the cafe dancing on his toes.

When he made a move on the street, closing his eyes, he heard the sound of a wooden wheel on the rocky road. He opens his eyes to the sound of two horses. He is astonished to see a cart that is about to hit him, but he was immovable. Right when the carriage almost dashed into De Spice, a hand grabs his arm and pulls him over the pavement. De Spice trembles with this near-death experience. He turns slowly towards the hand that held him. To his surprise, it was the rude man, the owner of the cafe. The rude man had a grin on his face. De Spice wished he was dead instead of being saved by this grinning cunt. “No, No, No!” De Spice cried. “I saved your life, Monsieur Ego De Spice” the owner grinned again.

The rude owner threw the uniform on the face of De Spice as he falls to the ground on his knees cries a big “Nooooooooo.”

The Favourite

It was early spring, and Micheal sits on the cliff looking at the newborn leaves of the plants around the hilltop. Something distracts him, and it is none other than his friend, Carmen Isabich. “Heyyo, Michael Angello” shouts Isabich in a relatively low voice making an O of his mouth. “Not again” Michael sighed, looking at Isabich’s annoying face. “You don’t need to make a face, Is-A-Bitch, your presence is enough to annoy me” Michael shouts. “It’s Isabich!” Isabich yells and hits on Michael’s back. 

Isabich sits beside Michael and rests his head over Michael’s shoulder. “Is letting you rest your head on my shoulder a favour?” Michael asks curiously. “No!” Isabich takes his head back. “You are getting too commercial” Isabich frowns. “That’s how the world is, Carmen. You need to be cautious. You are 16, and you already took more than a hundred favours!” Michael complains. “Well, I repaid 87 of them” Isabich justifies. “Who are your favourites?” Michael asks curiously.

“Well, the baker guy is the most favourite one. He had lent me croissants and occasionally baguettes. I owed him 21 croissants and seven baguettes. I am coming from the shop finishing the last batch of croissants for him. That leaves seven baguettes. Wait.. err.. 21 minus 7 minus 5” Isabich keeps on counting using his fingers and subtracting digits in the air. Michael stops paying attention. He looks at the newborn leaves again, and he observes a caterpillar munching these tender leaves.

“Don’t you think it is annoying?” Michael asks Isabich. “Everything annoys you, Michael. I annoy you, the caterpillar annoys you, and even your father annoys you. Name something that doesn’t annoy you!” Isabich moans. “Shut up, Is-A-Bitch! It isn’t fair; this favour business. It should be a choice to return the favour. It is unfair to force people to return the favours” Michael explains. “My father says only anarchists and heathens who are lazy to live make such statements” Isabich frowns looking away from Michael. “I don’t think being either of them is a bad thing” Michael continues justifying his thoughts.

“It is terrible to think like that. If you take a favour, you should return it!” Isabich yells and pushes Michael a bit. “Oh yeah, please remind me of the number of favours I took, please Monsieur Karma Is-A-Bitch, why don’t you enlighten me!” Michael shouts sarcastically. “Just because you never took favours doesn’t mean you are a Buddhist monk. Should I remind you about your old man? About how he ran away leaving you all behind? I’m sorry but if he didn’t take too many favours and returned most of them at least, you would have been like me too, normal and not-weird!” Isabich slipped his mouth, but he regretted it instantly.

“I should never have said that, Michael. I’m sorry” Isabich tries to apologise. Michael couldn’t take the insult and gets up, but the mushy mud makes his foot slip. Michael slipped from the cliff but he hanged on to a rock. His upper body was still on edge, and he was losing his grip by each second. Isabich jumped to his feet and held Michael’s hands, applying pressure and making it easy for Michael to jump up. “Move!” Michael yells. “What the hell Michael!” Isabich yells. “I don’t want your favour!” Michael cries. “Michael! Fuck it! Let me help you. What if I become your favourite? It is no big deal!” Isabich tries to make sense out of Michale’s mind.

Michaels pushes away Isabich’s hand and tries to climb up using his tummy and chest. He moved his chest and abdomen like a caterpillar, distributing his body weight from his hands to his torso. Isabich stood there helpless because Michael is pushing him away. “I will help myself! If I die, I die. I don’t want any favours, and I will have no favourites that suck the life out of me. I won’t spend my life returning the favours” Michael shouts. “But Michael, it is not a big deal” Isabich cries with teary eyes. 

“Don’t you know that the favour for saving life burdens me with being indebted to you till you die? You become my forever favourite! I hate to return your favour by doing everything I can to you. I don’t want to lose my naturality by making you my forever favourite, Isabich!” Michael begins to lose grip. “Fuck you!” Isabich holds Michael’s hands. In the act of pushing the hands away, Michael loses his grip. He starts falling. “Live free, Mr. Karma Is-A-biiiiiiiiiitchh.” 

*Thud*

Isabich never looked back. He never climbed that mountain; returned his favours, and never retook one. He also made sure that there were no favourites. For the favours, he accidentally did to other people he never reminded them, because he didn’t want to be their favourite either. Isabich became the very lazy anarchist and the heathen that his father warned him. Sometimes he thought “Is Michael my favourite because he favoured me by passing this knowledge?” 

The Interdimensional Poop

The sun in the Crappenium galaxy was shining bright and from that bright light came out a space ship. It was travelling a wee bit slower than the speed of light, but its motive was to reach the speed or even cross it. Soon it crossed the speed of light, and it vanished from the visible spectrum. Guess it tore the space-time fabric it can now move through space and time. The space ship was brown, twisty, and it looked like a massive piece of shit!

The time and space stood still as the interdimensional poop zoomed its way to Andromeda galaxy and through there to Milkyway in no time. It passed from our sun and stood in front of the moon, closer to the earth. And the scientists found something—a dot in the light of the moon, a weird passing. The pictures of this shadow in front of the moon were viral all over the online. Every self-made Sherlock was onto figuring out this shadowy structure. Many claimed different things, and the shadow was not clear, but, it was odd. A bird? A plane? Little did they know that it was not Superman but Superdump from a Crappenium universe.

Indian godman HappyGuru arranged a vast event and danced on the stage. He thought it looked like the symbol of their God. All the atheists faced HappyGuru’s wrath as he thrashed them with his words. “Where are the miracles after the invention of camera? You asked! Here! Look at the moon you fools!” the guru shouted. His event was a significant success, and sponsors increased payments by each hour for the event. Each godman saw their religious symbol in the moon. Some of the cults saw their own guru’s face in the moon. 

Meanwhile, the governments were confused; the satellites confirmed a presence. It is something alien, and it shook the nations. Is the ship here to attack? Is the ship binging an interdimensional message? The thing that scares people was not its presence, but its silence! The bordered nations which were about to ban each other’s markets and slit their soldiers’ throats turned their missiles towards this giant obstruction. The professors were debating with each other, and the TV hosts were yelling even louder to control these intellectual fools. Some suggested shooting the shit out of this giant shit. And the people fighting to make contact with them argued with these shit-shooting supporters.

Ex-convicts went on a rape and robbery streak. And people who held grudges killed each other. The corporate slaves employees quit their job and started enjoying their salaries for the first time. Fat cunts who betray their own reflections started feeling lovely for the first time. Chiselled and ripped bodied attitude wielding douchebags started eating french fries and the carbs they missed. Vegans ate the damn cow! Everyone was singing YOLO and suddenly many straight men opened up about their secret tranny desires, and the ladies went all scissors! It was an apocalyptic scenario! The world filled with murder and mayhem! But every fucker was happy. Not the guy who was getting murdered, of course!

The government couldn’t handle this public breakout! It was like everybody knew their death was coming, no one gave a shit about any of these material things. The only functioning government was the one with the missiles! Even Admiral general Aldeen from Wadia pointed his pointy rocket towards this thing. After many discussions, the UN wanted to shoot the obstacle first and take care of the citizen later. Amid all this chaos, the obstacle moved a bit closer to the earth!

Aladeen shot his missile without any permissions, but it didn’t even make a scratch on this thing. As it got closer, it became clear. People didn’t see God in it anymore; it was evident that it looked like shit. The dancing guru stopped commenting and went back to meditation. “I will meditate for the world’s peace” he said. The cults were shocked at how they thought this giant shit-shaped structure was their religious leader’s face. But no one spoke out, everyone knows that it looked like poop, everyone saw that, but no one dared to say “Hey, doesn’t it look like a giant piece of shit?”, No! No one!

Many conspiracy theorists say that this is the plan of a country which was earlier accused of spreading a virus. But if they couldn’t control a virus, they allegedly created, how could they have managed a moon-sized poop? No one asked that either. The pressure on tidal waves was severe, and the Hentai nation was already arranging to save themselves from an upcoming tsunami. The UN declared to shoot the thing if it didn’t respond to their signals. Professor Wannabi who had recently completed his PhD in Scatology (literally the study of poop) suggests that the readings indicate the thing contains heavy ‘Methanethiol’. Whatever this thing is; its readings can affect our environment, says Wannabi, the doctor of Scatology.

But the dumb stubborn and focused governments finally decided to blast the thing off! They have to shoot the ship in a way that its pieces blast off to the outer space or in the ocean at least. The guns and satellites turned towards the space-obstacle. Religious places had huge collections that day because the middle-men between God and people made them do weird and meaningless rituals to save themselves from this apocalypse. While the nations fired their missiles, right at that moment many millions of people, 84% to be specific (the percentage of religious people) sent their thoughts and prayers. The rockets hit the structure, and the shell of this ship cracked. Thoughts and prayers, on the other hand, didn’t make an impact, like every other time, of course.

The fire in the sky was a beautiful scenery. Photographers turned their lenses on and shot time lapses of this ship blasting into pieces. After the beautiful fire explosion, it looked like it was about to rain. Something was approaching earth, and fear struck everyone. It sounded like rain, everyone was looking at the sky, and before they could even move, it started raining shit! On the lenses of cameras, in the terrace-swimming-pools, heads of people and the hands of the meditating guru. “Ah! A divine gift” guru opened his eyes, and it took a while to close his lids again!

Guess no one can post pics like this post the shit-rain!

For the first time in centuries, the world maintained hours of silence. No one spoke to each other. Hours of cleaning and there is still a heap of crap on their heads. Everyone looked disgusted. No one was happy, except for the Scatologist, of course! He was the only guy dancing around poop, and it’s all another thesis for him, a double doctorate? Loads of study material raining right on top of his lab! It was declared to be crap of an alien planet. They possibly destroyed all the place on their world to fill their poop. So they have sent their pieces of crap wrapped in a metal ship, they were considerate to throw it galaxies away. Travelling through time and space, the interdimensional poop landed right on our heads.

But why did it choose us? Because God of poop sends regards? Nah! maybe random, or perhaps because it thought the earth was a giant commode!