self love – Penfluky

A Bittersweet Heart

Alarm rang at 12:00 AM I woke up and saw myself in the mirror curiously. For my disappointment, I don’t see any difference at all. I look the same as ever. Why does everyone make a big deal when they turn 18 then? I don’t get the hype. Tears started flowing like there was some leakage in my eyes. I cursed myself and tried to stop them but only vain.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun right? Then why do I feel terrible? I don’t know what it is…. but I do know something sucks! I took out my diary and started writing with a heavy heart. And I have to let this unknown misery off my chest. As I started to remember my shitty life, the letters in my diary felt as if I was giving my nightmares shape and I went on and on…..

To my past self,

It’s your 18th birthday today. Because of you, I feel like everything sucks so I want to confront you now.

What sucks is to be not aware of your own trauma. When you come to realize what is actually happening to you it becomes too late whether it’s you being a kid and wondering “idk why I cry when that uncle comes near me” or your 15 year old wondering “maybe I am just in a sad phase it will go away.”

What sucks is trying to see the bright side in every situation whether it is “I don’t have lunch to eat but at least I get to drink cold water in school” or “what if I don’t have normal life like my age people, at least I can watch whatever movie or read whatever book I want and think myself as the protagonist and can live different cool lives.”

What sucks is being in denial whether it’s “I don’t think I am angry at anyone. I think I am hurt. I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby” or “I don’t think I am depressed I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby”

What sucks is being too self-aware. What sucks is taking yourself for granted, what sucks is putting others first in the fear of loneliness while still being lonely.

And what also sucks is in all of this different shit is the common outcome; your suffering.

You thought you are mature, kind and good but you are an immature monster who wasn’t kind to yourself, you didn’t stand up for yourself whenever you needed.

You couldn’t understand the difference between:

Kindness and coward-ness

Denial and positive attitude

Bearing and ignorance

You failed to see the thin line between them.

What sucks is you blaming shit on life and beautifully lying “life sucks” in the desperate need of self-pity and covering the truth in fact you, who suck at life. What sucks is you for being physically and mentally abusive to yourself.

When did you genuinely have yourself a kind smile? When did you tell yourself after sucking at something so many times “it’s OK there is always next time” when you needed to hear it so bad? And when didn’t you hit yourself or scar yourself every time you got anxious to make it stop in fact low-key you knew all you needed is one hug and a bit of kindness? How could you hate yourself this much?

Now look at you, at your breaking point. Weak af physically, mentally, emotionally.

No clue what to do with this body. self-punish every day and night with all kinds of health issues. Well deserved.

But I can’t deny the fact that you are me. So as a birthday gift, I am forgiving myself. I will try to be kind to myself, I will try to learn saying no, I will try to stand up for myself, I will try not to hesitate asking for help, I will try not to push people away, I will try to go easy on myself, I will smile at myself, I will try to adore myself, I won’t be abusive to myself and most importantly from this moment I will try to be proud of myself whenever I take a baby step.

With love and smile~ your 18 years old self.

With that I made peace and closed my diary. Now I looked at myself in the mirror again. Fuck I still look as shitty as ever but I don’t feel shitty anymore. Guess that’s the difference I was looking for. I better dress up tomorrow and treat myself to a meal. It’s my 18th birthday after all. With a light heart and stupid smile I fell asleep.

Efficacy In Existence, A True Endeavour.

On a Saturday evening, I completed my work and scrolling through my social media. Liking memes and just passing the time. A rare moment where the efficacy of my sadness it not taking over. After some time, there was a chime on the phone.

It is my friend Charvi. She is one of the good buddies I have, and we talk regularly and a lot of stuff. If I feel low or want to share something, I’m pretty sure that her inbox is always open. The text says she has something important to talk and come to Instagram. I opened it, and here is how the conversation goes.

Charvi: Hey. Hi, listen, I have something important to say.

Me: Yes, madame, at your service!

Charvi: Hahaha, okay this is important, listen carefully.

Me: You robbed a bank, and now the police are chasing you?

Charvi: Yeah, I even got a cure for stupidity, but sadly its efficacy is only on humans. Sorry, can’t fix you. Now shut up and listen.

Me: Lol, okay, go ahead.

Charvi: Okay, so my parents are findings options for me to marry. I don’t know that guy. I’m a bit nervous, and I don’t want to marry now. I want to stand up for myself, fulfil my dreams and then think of marriage. What to do?

Me: Okay, I understand what position you are in right now. Marriage is must be mutual between two people. If you are not comfortable, tell them that you are not. If you have dreams, you must chase them.

Charvi: Yeah, I wish it is that easy. Me going to my parents and saying I want to chase dreams and don’t want to marry. Would they listen to me?

Me: It is better to sit and talk before taking an important decision in your life. If you decide to marry, the person coming to your life will be with you for at least the next 40 years. So, think and talk in all the ways possible.

Charvi: Yeah, I will gather up the courage to talk to them. Gosh! I wish this were easy. Why don’t we have ideal efficacy everywhere in life? If I don’t marry, I will make my parents unhappy. Why should it be like this?

Me: Well, to be honest, we humans created these boundaries. We feel to care for loved ones’ decision because we give value to them in our life. It varies from person to person. I’m sure you will come up with a way to convince your parents and follow your dreams.

Charvi: Easy for you to say! You always have people who care for you. You always tell stories about your friends and how they care for you. I feel jealous sometimes on you and want to be in your shoes.

Me: Lol, to be very honest, those days were gone. The error is on both sides. I stopped sharing the incidents that are happening, and ears who used to listen have stopped hearing. Now those eyes hate me and that ears don’t search for my voice.

Charvi: Oh, shut up! You make this shit up in your brain. Your friends love you, and I have seen Instagram stories and stuff. Stop creating scenarios for yourself and be what you are. People who care for you love you.

Me: Well, to be brutally honest “no”. People who used to care for me don’t do that anymore. I cared for them even if they got a papercut. I used to ask how they were and used to talk. Recently I literally posted a suicide note article on my social media. No one gave a “fuck.”

Not only that I posted a lot of sad stuff, and I even posted that I was depressed. No one batted an eye, and I even went through some tests medically. They knew this and didn’t bother to ask what happened. These are the same people who said, “We are there” “we will talk to you no matter what.”

Charvi: Oh my god! What happened? Are you okay?

Me: There is nothing new, the usual family issues. Adding to that, even my organisation hated me, to which, I was most loyal started hating me. I made a few mistakes, told apologies in all the ways possible. It hurts when you feel like you annoy the person who you respect you the most.

Charvi: Oh, gosh! You must be devastated! I’m so sorry. How are you now? I’m sure you hate those people now.

Me: I’m okay, I guess, and I don’t hate them to be very honest. If I know they are having problems; I will message the same way and find out if everything is okay. It is not that I’m good or bad; it is just the way I’m.

I respect those people without any tags and will continue to do so no matter what. The feelings I have for those people are not under business terms. It is under care, trust and love. That is the real efficacy of a relation.

Charvi: I wish I were not busy these days! I wish I would have talked to you. It’s okay; it is not too late. I’m here for you.

Me: Thanks for that, I know you are always there. Everyone says people should be self-sufficient, self-dependent and stuff. But I tell people should have to be able to self-hold themselves. When there is no one to hold your hand, you must be able to hold yourself and move ahead.

On the other hand, when I expressed these th0ughts through my writings they called me I was craving attention. I’m being a drama queen on this. I didn’t know this attracted attention until I read from their shoes. I was just expressing my emotions.

Yes it hurts, and it’s depressing but, if no one is ready to be with you or left you for any reason, you must be able to love and live with you. Even if you remove all the people and relations in your life, you exist, and that is a fact. This is what I believe the real efficacy of life.

Closure In Life: A Self Guided Way To Move On.

In our day to day life, we might come across from many difficult situations. Some situations might be very tough to move on and find closure. Not only daily incidents, but even past trauma also affects us in finding closure.

By this, we will have a lot of physical and mental health issues. On the other hand, if we are not able to find closure, the trauma always haunts us, and that is never a good sign to find peace.

In this article, I will share a way to find closure and move on. Before we begin, I want to say this is my method which I’m following this method for the past two weeks and it helped a lot,

I designed this method in a few steps which are easy to follow. You can follow them and divert yourself slowly away from trauma. If you have any method, let us know by emailing us messaging us on social media.

1.Finding An Acoustic Spot: First of all, find a space where you can sit and be yourself. It can be in your house, in your room, your chair or anything. It can be any location where you can sit comfortably.

2.Collecting Moments: Once you are in your spot, start collecting moments. Write down the incidents that made you smile for the day. I suggest you do that at the end of the day so that you can write more things.

You need not literally write, you can type them on your computer, laptop, or you can install a notepad app and type them on your phone. Make sure to not forget even of the tiny things that made you smile.

3.Donot Maintain Duality: When you are in your zone, don’t maintain duality. Never think about the things that made you sad when you are in your spot and writing the things that made you smile. Just concentrate on collecting smiles.

4.Read It The Next Day: Once you have made the list of smiles read it when you are starting your next day. By this, you will start the day by smiling, which gives an excellent start to the day ahead.

Not only this, by smiling you release dopamine, endorphins and serotonin are all released into your bloodstream. By doing this, your body relaxes, and it also works to lower your heart rate and blood pressure. That is a perfect start!

4.Challenge Yourself: You can challenge yourself if you remember trauma or sad. For example, if you are at work and remember anything challenge yourself at doing work by keeping timers. By this, you will deviate from thinking about your sadness.

For example, if you generally prepare a ppt in 30 minutes, keep a timer and try designing it in 20 minutes. By this, even if you don’t meet the timer, you won’t lose anything, if you do, that’s good progress.

5.Solve Your Issues With People: If you are having any petty issues with people who are affecting your closure, solve them. Just apologise or accept the apology and accept them into your life. Talk to them and feel better.

It is one life we are going to live. What will you do with all the hate and guilt? How many days will you suffer or makes others suffer for some petty issues or misunderstandings? Clear them and keep moving.

6. Find More Time For Yourself: You can try new hobbies that you are interested to try for a long time. You can get a pet, watch a good movie you want to watch, cook food that you like most etc.,

By doing the above steps, you will find a natural deviation from the things you are feeling sad. If you fixate on finding deviation from anything, you will keep thinking about it always so try deviating as naturally as possible.

You will also realise that you found closure within you and don’t need that particular person or feeling to find it for you. You are perfect and happy the way you are. Now that is called finding closure my friends.

Self-Portrait: The Colorless Dead Canvas.

Hey guys, This is Mourya. I’m writing a self-portrait today. For avid readers, you may know me as the creator of the character “John” and the guy who writes science articles. When I thought of writing a self-portrait, I was confused because I have no idea.

Yes, I don’t know what my actual portrait is. But I took it as a challenge and decided to write it. Generally, I take around 1 hour to write an article, before that an hour to research. But this one took almost four days and no research needed as it was about me. So this means a lot.

Before the self-portrait, I will say a few characteristics that may describe my personality in turn, express my portrait. My day starts at night, yes I’m a night shift warrior. My job is to get yelled for software of a device not working fine. I’m from the escalations department from one of the biggest companies.

It doesn’t just stop at yelling; it goes to cusses. The worst cusses a man would ever want to hear from a stranger. And I will be in that weird position where I can’t say anything. It just feels like I deserve all of that or I got used to it. In reality, I don’t as I value myself a bit.

I don’t like formality while speaking with my buddies. I prefer if anyone would talk to me with sarcasm, a bit of friendly trolling and stuff. It makes me feel that person is close to me. When you think a person is close, you don’t say “Hey is this the right time to call? You just call and talk to them. It feels genuine.

I like being honest, and people who are honest with me. If there is anything, I would love it if people came up to me and say it to my face. It feels like they really care. Without criticism and honesty, I believe we cannot grow in life. There has to be someone who can say the things as they are to you.

I like to divert myself when I’m alone. One of my main diversion is writing stories and creating music. I don’t know anything technical about music. I open the software and add random tunes to it. Other than that, I listen to songs or message my friends or listen to standup comedy. Those who are free reply back and we have fun.

If I cannot find diversion for myself, I will go deep down into thoughts in a dark and closed environment. Once I spent six hours in a dark and closed room thinking about random stuff. My mind is always in my room, and I spend almost 22 hours a day in it.

No one talks to me in the house due to shift timings and other things. Even though I live with my family, I do my chores like cleaning, cooking and other stuff. I tend to apologize a lot due to sorry syndrome I got from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). I only do this if that person is important to me, and I mean every apology I say.

If anyone asks if something is wrong, I will use the phrase “sab changa si” it is a Punjabi ( a language of India) phrase which means “everything is fine.” But if anyone comes and asks, how are you? I may shed a tear. I can handle other emotions but, cannot hold it when the issue is sensitive.

A lot of shitty things happen with me daily, but I tend not to share them with anyone. Not because of privacy or something, but if any sane person listened to them, their day would be wasted. I tend to keep them myself and keep pushing the day.

I got some fantastic friends, some of them I made recently and some for the past eight years. I have got only a few, but they are just a simple text or call away. I adore them and respect them, and I believe they do the same. I share almost everything except this daily shit with them.

This lockdown has a significant impact on this self-portrait, especially November month. There are a lot of sleepless nights and cries, and I got to see life from different angles. I’m proud of myself that I survived that. It was like a never-ending nightmare personally and professionally for straight 30 days.

Summing up the self-portrait, sitting in a closed room, I have always looked for closure. The ideas from my mind bounced flew and hit the closed walls. They jumped right off and hit my brain again, and I’m sad again. I think I’m a regular guy who always finds emptiness or has emptiness. It must be one or the other.

A bit good if I give it a deep thought. I used to smile by looking myself in the mirror. I used to like the genuine nature in that. Its been almost seven months I saw any mirror. I rarely do that. In reality, we exist, but if you ask to portray me, I wish I never existed in this reality. I don’t think it would have made much of a difference to anyone, but I’m done being sad for myself.

But I exist, so that is my Self-portrait—a tragic guy working on himself. Still looking for closure but couldn’t find any. A colour less dead canvas where no one wants to look. I do not like myself like this. Honestly, none will like a whiny guy. But I’m working on myself and hope to see the light on the other end.