A Bittersweet Heart

Alarm rang at 12:00 AM I woke up and saw myself in the mirror curiously. For my disappointment, I don’t see any difference at all. I look the same as ever. Why does everyone make a big deal when they turn 18 then? I don’t get the hype. Tears started flowing like there was some leakage in my eyes. I cursed myself and tried to stop them but only vain.

Birthdays are supposed to be fun right? Then why do I feel terrible? I don’t know what it is…. but I do know something sucks! I took out my diary and started writing with a heavy heart. And I have to let this unknown misery off my chest. As I started to remember my shitty life, the letters in my diary felt as if I was giving my nightmares shape and I went on and on…..

To my past self,

It’s your 18th birthday today. Because of you, I feel like everything sucks so I want to confront you now.

What sucks is to be not aware of your own trauma. When you come to realize what is actually happening to you it becomes too late whether it’s you being a kid and wondering “idk why I cry when that uncle comes near me” or your 15 year old wondering “maybe I am just in a sad phase it will go away.”

What sucks is trying to see the bright side in every situation whether it is “I don’t have lunch to eat but at least I get to drink cold water in school” or “what if I don’t have normal life like my age people, at least I can watch whatever movie or read whatever book I want and think myself as the protagonist and can live different cool lives.”

What sucks is being in denial whether it’s “I don’t think I am angry at anyone. I think I am hurt. I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby” or “I don’t think I am depressed I should get a grip on my emotions and stop being cry baby”

What sucks is being too self-aware. What sucks is taking yourself for granted, what sucks is putting others first in the fear of loneliness while still being lonely.

And what also sucks is in all of this different shit is the common outcome; your suffering.

You thought you are mature, kind and good but you are an immature monster who wasn’t kind to yourself, you didn’t stand up for yourself whenever you needed.

You couldn’t understand the difference between:

Kindness and coward-ness

Denial and positive attitude

Bearing and ignorance

You failed to see the thin line between them.

What sucks is you blaming shit on life and beautifully lying “life sucks” in the desperate need of self-pity and covering the truth in fact you, who suck at life. What sucks is you for being physically and mentally abusive to yourself.

When did you genuinely have yourself a kind smile? When did you tell yourself after sucking at something so many times “it’s OK there is always next time” when you needed to hear it so bad? And when didn’t you hit yourself or scar yourself every time you got anxious to make it stop in fact low-key you knew all you needed is one hug and a bit of kindness? How could you hate yourself this much?

Now look at you, at your breaking point. Weak af physically, mentally, emotionally.

No clue what to do with this body. self-punish every day and night with all kinds of health issues. Well deserved.

But I can’t deny the fact that you are me. So as a birthday gift, I am forgiving myself. I will try to be kind to myself, I will try to learn saying no, I will try to stand up for myself, I will try not to hesitate asking for help, I will try not to push people away, I will try to go easy on myself, I will smile at myself, I will try to adore myself, I won’t be abusive to myself and most importantly from this moment I will try to be proud of myself whenever I take a baby step.

   With love and smile~ your 18 years old self.

With that I made peace and closed my diary. Now I looked at myself in the mirror again. Fuck I still look as shitty as ever but I don’t feel shitty anymore. Guess that’s the difference I was looking for. I better dress up tomorrow and treat myself to a meal. It’s my 18th birthday after all. With a light heart and stupid smile I fell asleep.

Self-Portrait: The Colorless Dead Canvas.

Hey guys, This is Mourya. I’m writing a self-portrait today. For avid readers, you may know me as the creator of the character “John” and the guy who writes science articles. When I thought of writing a self-portrait, I was confused because I have no idea.

Yes, I don’t know what my actual portrait is. But I took it as a challenge and decided to write it. Generally, I take around 1 hour to write an article, before that an hour to research. But this one took almost four days and no research needed as it was about me. So this means a lot.

Before the self-portrait, I will say a few characteristics that may describe my personality in turn, express my portrait. My day starts at night, yes I’m a night shift warrior. My job is to get yelled for software of a device not working fine. I’m from the escalations department from one of the biggest companies.

It doesn’t just stop at yelling; it goes to cusses. The worst cusses a man would ever want to hear from a stranger. And I will be in that weird position where I can’t say anything. It just feels like I deserve all of that or I got used to it. In reality, I don’t as I value myself a bit.

I don’t like formality while speaking with my buddies. I prefer if anyone would talk to me with sarcasm, a bit of friendly trolling and stuff. It makes me feel that person is close to me. When you think a person is close, you don’t say “Hey is this the right time to call? You just call and talk to them. It feels genuine.

I like being honest, and people who are honest with me. If there is anything, I would love it if people came up to me and say it to my face. It feels like they really care. Without criticism and honesty, I believe we cannot grow in life. There has to be someone who can say the things as they are to you.

I like to divert myself when I’m alone. One of my main diversion is writing stories and creating music. I don’t know anything technical about music. I open the software and add random tunes to it. Other than that, I listen to songs or message my friends or listen to standup comedy. Those who are free reply back and we have fun.

If I cannot find diversion for myself, I will go deep down into thoughts in a dark and closed environment. Once I spent six hours in a dark and closed room thinking about random stuff. My mind is always in my room, and I spend almost 22 hours a day in it.

No one talks to me in the house due to shift timings and other things. Even though I live with my family, I do my chores like cleaning, cooking and other stuff. I tend to apologize a lot due to sorry syndrome I got from PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder). I only do this if that person is important to me, and I mean every apology I say.

If anyone asks if something is wrong, I will use the phrase “sab changa si” it is a Punjabi ( a language of India) phrase which means “everything is fine.” But if anyone comes and asks, how are you? I may shed a tear. I can handle other emotions but, cannot hold it when the issue is sensitive.

A lot of shitty things happen with me daily, but I tend not to share them with anyone. Not because of privacy or something, but if any sane person listened to them, their day would be wasted. I tend to keep them myself and keep pushing the day.

I got some fantastic friends, some of them I made recently and some for the past eight years. I have got only a few, but they are just a simple text or call away. I adore them and respect them, and I believe they do the same. I share almost everything except this daily shit with them.

This lockdown has a significant impact on this self-portrait, especially November month. There are a lot of sleepless nights and cries, and I got to see life from different angles. I’m proud of myself that I survived that. It was like a never-ending nightmare personally and professionally for straight 30 days.

Summing up the self-portrait, sitting in a closed room, I have always looked for closure. The ideas from my mind bounced flew and hit the closed walls. They jumped right off and hit my brain again, and I’m sad again. I think I’m a regular guy who always finds emptiness or has emptiness. It must be one or the other.

A bit good if I give it a deep thought. I used to smile by looking myself in the mirror. I used to like the genuine nature in that. Its been almost seven months I saw any mirror. I rarely do that. In reality, we exist, but if you ask to portray me, I wish I never existed in this reality. I don’t think it would have made much of a difference to anyone, but I’m done being sad for myself.

But I exist, so that is my Self-portrait—a tragic guy working on himself. Still looking for closure but couldn’t find any. A colour less dead canvas where no one wants to look. I do not like myself like this. Honestly, none will like a whiny guy. But I’m working on myself and hope to see the light on the other end.